Thought I'd give a small update as I went from posting daily to not at all. Very typical of me.

Had a few moments. More self-harm. Another meltdown at work; HR are now involved. Yay. /s

I did go back to my GP and he increased the Mirtazapine to 30mg because I felt that I was getting some benefit despite being relatively new to it (possible placebo, but does it matter?)

I haven't really had many moments where I'm not feeling suicidally awful but I am doing my best to look forward. Definitely easier said than done though. I feel very unenthusiastic in my self-imposed optimism, however. My honest feeling is more akin to being tired of life and wishing it was over. A lot of dark thoughts emanating from that. Mostly stuff like, fantasizing about being run over / murdered, being diagnosed with terminal illness etc... so that way I could die without the guilt of self-termination and how easier that would be on others (ultimately). Making an effort to not dwell on these ideas though.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas - I nommed a mountain of food and feel super fat. Mean food. I blame the Mirtazapine, definitely not the fault of my Mother's wonderful portioning.