Setback *Triggers* *SU SH triggers*

[JustEM]

Thanks, Suzi! That's very kind of you to say ... although I most certainly DO still need to push myself a lot harder sometimes! (or always!!)

Means a lot to me to have others here who 'get it' show me such kindness and encouragement. Thank you.

I was really proud of myself today! I've been alone since yesterday morning until this afternoon and coped really well with no anxiety at all. I took total advantage of the torrential rain and started to devour a new book (I haven't read for AGES!) Then I motivated myself to get up and ready this morning and to catch four buses (with an hour's worth of waiting between bus rides in the rain and cold) to go to a job interview. It would have been so much easier to have just stayed at home and not tried. I was so pleased that I tried!! I will know if I got it on Tuesday.... to start this coming Friday!

Then my sister-in-law popped over for the afternoon with my three year old niece which was lovely.

I'm going to meet the volunteer co-ordinator at the horticulture/ecotherapy project tomorrow morning, too. (The charity project for MH sufferers that my therapist recommended me for.) I'm going with my parents and then we plan to make a day of it and stay there a while after.

Tomorrow evening, I'm going for the first time to an eating disorder support group! A bit nervous but determined to give it a shot at least!

I have to meet the OT AGAIN tomorrow which fills me with anxiety, but hopefully I'll keep my positive spirits up when she pops around. (My eating's been appalling this weekend and the supplement drinks went down the sink but I won't share this with her. Now people are around me from tomorrow, I know that my eating will improve.).

Hope you've all had a good weekend.

Thanks for reading! This helps me to get my thoughts out!

[Suzi]

That's all so positive - but why did the drinks go down the sink?

[JustEM]

I feel worse if I drink them. I don't want to gain weight because I'm scared that will make me feel worse and I really need to avoid everything that will make me feel worse! I think the fear stems back to when I received some negative comments about my weight last year when the symptoms of depression first started showing again.

It's okay though. The fear of being admitted to hospital is preventing me from slipping into the eating disorder side of things. I'm with others now too so I'll comply more to keep the peace. I just can't be bothered when I'm left to my own devices. Think we're all a bit like that sometimes though?

Hopefully I can work through these fears when my therapy sessions start again.

[magie06]

You have taken giant steps in the last few days. Well done and congratulations on all you have done.

[Suzi]

Have you told your Mum about not drinking them?

[JustEM]

Suzi, my mother always knows when I've restricted... Mother's instinct and all that. She's exasperated by it. She asked me when am I going to wake up and realise I have a problem?! I am trying in so many ways to get well and I'm not going too far into the eating disorder. I feel so guilty for upsetting her. I just can't seem to address it.

[JustEM]

Thank you Magie!

I went to the horticulture project today. I honestly loved the look of it! They hold an art class every Tuesday morning where they do pottery and on Wednesday afternoons they have mindfulness sessions held in a relaxing garden. On Tuesday afternoons and Wednesday mornings, there are gardening projects. They grow all their own fruits, vegetables and herbs. It looks great! I then went for a coffee with the other service users who were all really lovely! I'm going next Tuesday now!

Also off to my first face-to-face eating disorder support group tonight!

[magie06]

I think that if you spend all of your life trying to please others, then you don't get to live the life you are supposed to live.

You are making great strides into conquering your deamons. Try to take it one day at a time. Congratulate yourself on your daily successes and try not to worry about the things you don't get around to.

[Suzi]

I'm so glad you loved the project - it sounds amazing.
I wonder why you are restricting your eating - even as far as the shakes...

[JustEM]

Yeah, Suzi. It looked great! And I instantly felt comfortable there and like I fitted in! The people seemed really nice and they even put me down to do a horticulture qualification already!

Don't know what's up with the eating. Being labelled with an eating disorder makes me feel pressured to have one, if that makes sense? It's like the depression is dismissed sometimes when I know it's the cause of not eating. Low mood, stress, self-punishment too in a way and the inability to be bothered and fear that eating will make me feel worse. All a bit of a jumble of reasons really!