Struggling today....

Had a weird appointment with the ED services. Basically got discharged with a BMI of 13. I don't know what message that's supposed to give...? My anorexia was relieved but I did feel a bit tossed aside.

But I've made steps. Mainly for my mother's benefit. I swapped my usual snack for something I haven't eaten in months. Erm, that thing called 'actual food'. Okay, it was a bit of ham, tomatoes and a cheese string all calculated to the exact bloody calorie but at least I've moved on from just melon. It's a mini shuffle in the right direction.

Sadly the centre didn't work out. Turns out, their values and approaches clashed with my religion and I knew my head would relish at the opportunity to make me feel guilty for going there so I decided against it. My mother was relieved and everyone said I made the right choice for me. It caused me to dip in mood because I saw it as yet ANOTHER failed venture but something bloody else will come along I'm sure.

I feel a bit pointless if I'm honest. No purpose, no mental health support, no friends and the weight of depression crushing me to nothing. The meds have stilled my mind but my mood is FLAAAAAAT. I've been spending days on my own and feel detached from everything.

I feel my depression getting worse and wonder what the hell is going to happen to me exactly.

I wish I could just snap out of it. But I can't! I would have done so by now!