Ugh. Another set back today. Feeling pretty ty as a consequence.

I've been on a real high this last week, have been doing lots of things I really enjoy and working so hard on my therapy. Anyways, found out today that there's been a massive mess up with my visa that puts me £450 down. I've basically chucked that money to the Indian embassy for nothing and I'm not exactly in a place to be throwing five pound notes around, let alone hundreds of pounds!! Also got rejected for a bursary after being given the impression I was going to get it which means I also don't have enough money to stay there long-term and I've used all other fundraising methods so long-term volunteering in India is not to be an option for me any longer in the near future.

I was gutted and angry more than anything. Had a mad urge to self harm but shouted a load of expletives instead which seemed to do the trick. Contacted my support team and now I'm aimlessly walking off the rage.

Feel like I am right back at square one AGAIN. I hate square one.

I've got friends visiting the UK for the first time coming from America tomorrow to stay with me for a week. Everything is ready for them and I've spent all day today pre- news baking for them. They know I've been ill and they did invite themselves to stay with me actually and we have a great week planned, but to be honest I already feel like I can't wait for the 10th August to come when they go back home so that I can just BREATHE!!!

I still want to take a short 1-2 week trip to India on my current visa if possible because I need peace and closure with my feelings of failure around my experience there last year, and then I guess I need to really start sorting my life out by establishing what I want out of life locally. I have the MH support around me to do that now whereas I didn't when I was trying to settle down, get a real job and move out last year. I just feel like I've wasted so much time between then and now.

Guess life will just keep dealing sometimes and I've got to choose to deal with it until the next load comes at me or lie under it and wallow. Thankfully, I no longer lie under things, but I just feel so exhausted with it all.