Hey there!

Thanks for your message.

Yes, the need for control stems right back to when I was nine years old. My life felt out of control and what I ate and my weight became the only thing I could control. I guess I developed anorexia rather than perhaps a different illness because this need for control was paired with weight-related and healthy eating comments which served then as a trigger for the eating disorder. It's a weird illness because this control element can give you a buzz and a sense of self-worth which, when you're depressed, feels worth grasping!

I guess 'this time around', things in my life have felt out of control and a few weight comments were made towards me last year that affected my self-esteem increasingly so as I became more depressed over the following months....

So yeah. Control, self-esteem, self-worth.... But I am getting help, yes. Not so much for the eating disorder bit though.

Maybe I shouldn't say this but as someone who has suffered with long-term mental health problems, from my own experience I have found it quite easy to note the difference between a therapist who cares sure but not to the extent of a therapist who really genuinely cares and wants to help you. Thankfully, my therapist I see privately is one of those one in a million types so im very grateful to be able to work with her!! I am honest with the OT that I see from the cmht and she's nice but I don't massively connect with her, you know?

I hope everything is as good as it can be with you! Thanks for your encouragement.

Things are getting better, but my eating (or lack of!) is remaining un-addressed. I know this needs to come from me and im sure it will when things soon start to feel a little less stressful and out of 'control'.

Take care x