I brought some Christmas presents online the other day and I used my donor card instead of my debit card
It cost me an arm and a leg
I brought some Christmas presents online the other day and I used my donor card instead of my debit card
It cost me an arm and a leg
I really hate them Russian dolls. There so full of themselves.
They look at me and think I'm cool, I'm purplefan at night I rule.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, well
it all adds up."
They look at me and think I'm cool, I'm purplefan at night I rule.
OldMike (05-01-17)
An old one from school:
Don't you think it's cruel to stick pins in spiders?..well of course!
Well why isn't it cruel to sew buttons on flies??
I'm going now....
An inflatable boy named Billy goes to his inflatable school to take his exam. He sits at his inflatable desk. He hadn't revised and on looking at his inflatable exam paper, he realising he could not do it he jumped up from his inflatable chair and ran towards the exit. The inflatable teacher yelled at him "Go to the inflatable headmasters office .. NOW!" "No !! I won't !!" yelled the inflatable boy and plunged his pencil into the inflatable teaches arm. He ran out of the inflatable school, plunging his pencil into the inflatable school. He ran down the inflatable road to his inflatable home and into his inflatable bedroom. Feeling so much remorse for his actions he picked up the pencil and pieced his inflatable arm. Hours later he awoke to find himself at the inflatable hospital. He opened his eyes and in the bed next to him was his inflatable teacher sitting up in bed, the teacher turned to him and said .......... "Billy.....You've let me down, You've let the school down .. But most of all ... You've let yourself down.
They look at me and think I'm cool, I'm purplefan at night I rule.
OldMike (05-01-17)
OMG That was not only terrible, but I think my boys are still groaning and I can't breathe for laughing at them! Thank you so much!
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-d teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her man looking troubled and waving a gun around.
Oh my baby what are you doing with that gun she askes?
Where the man looks and comes to his senses.
I was hunting decepticons he said.
The woman says: there are no decepticons baby its all in the movies.
The man starts laughing about it. The women laughs about it. The toaster laughs about it.
Then the man shoots the toaster.
A man goes to the doctors, because he is not well. Doctor tells him to say "Ahhhh"! "Why"? asks the man. Because my cat died today said the doctor.
They look at me and think I'm cool, I'm purplefan at night I rule.
A man walks into a pet shop.
"I'd Like to buy a goldfish please" said the man.
The shop keeper said "Would you like an aquarium sir"?
The man reply's: "I don't care what star sign it is".
They look at me and think I'm cool, I'm purplefan at night I rule.