My depression blog by ex-professional footballer.

[Forever Autumn]

I have just read your blog entries. I commend you for your honesty and openness. You are very articulate, and write well.

I am very sorry that you are feeling so low. I have thankfully never been anywhere near as low as you are, and it sounds a very dark and scary place to be. I admire your courage in putting your deepest thoughts out into the public arena.

I was thinking after I read your blog how much it reminded me of Clarke Carlisle's story (I read his autobiography), and the book about the German player you mentioned. It struck me as very sad that people define themselves by their success (or perceived lack of). I have spent much of my life feeling like a failure, as I didn't do very well at school as I am not academic, and feel I don't have many talents in areas where success can be measured. I struggled at work, always thinking that I wasn't doing as well as I should be. I had to leave work many years ago after struggling on with ME/CFS, until my body couldn't do it any more, and I also crashed mentally, though not nearly as badly as you Have. Both my long-term relationships have failed, one of them last year, and I often look back and think I don't feel my life has exactly been a roaring success! My life circumstances at the moment, and in the future, are looking pretty bleak at the moment, and I am scared to death about how I'm going to manage financially, and emotionally as my family will be moving away within the next year or so, and thinking about that breaks my heart. I can't see the way ahead at the moment, and have never felt so vulnerable.

I didn't write this to offload my woes, but to explain where I am coming from. I fortunately have a strong faith, and I think that's all that's keeping me from falling into total despair. I have come to realise that success, as the world defines it, counts for very little. It is the person you are that matters, how you live and love, and help others along the way. I can tell that you are a very strong person for having carried on until you reached your breaking point, and you are very brave for writing down your thoughts for all to see, I don't think I'd have the courage to do that.

Many of us reach a point in our lives where what we used to do/be doesn't work any more. It's a very scary place to be, but it can be an opportunity to learn and grow, and potentially have a more fulfilling future as we mature into the person we were meant to be, when parts of us are stripped away, to reveal something better and stronger. I don't want to come across as preachy and having all the answers; I know that I have a very long way to go to become the person I was made to be. I do know that God completely loves and accepts me where I am now, and that He is always with me, gently encouraging me and growing me, and loving me unconditionally, much more than I can get my head round. In my darkest moments I can still feel very alone, but deep down I know that I'm not. There is a beautiful poem called "Footprints", which gives me a lot of comfort.

I haven't posted on here for ages, because due to my ME I find it quite draining to put my thoughts into a cohesive form, so try to conserve my energy for the things I have to do.I truly hope and pray that you find your way out of the dark, painful place you are in, and wish you a brighter, happier future, though that might seem impossible to imagine now.