well i'm back. I thought about putting an update in the coping section, but this seemed more positive.

first off, I got the job. it's 10 hours a week during term time, which covers my rent at least. i'll have to get a shift or 2 elsewhere to cover food and bills, but that's doable. i'm keeping my current job open for the time being in case I want to pop back for the holidays and need work, but it'll likely be minimal hours for my own sake. in the meantime, I have 2 shifts left.

the ex boyfriend situation, when it came to it, wasn't actually as difficult to deal with as I though it would be. long and short of it is I may end up bumping into him at a mutual fiends birthday thing and naturally ran through the possible ways that could go. I decided the most likely was that he'll be pathetic, and i'll probably get angry in response, but it's not worth letting him ruin my night, which ultimately serves as a metaphor for the entire situation. I may choose not to go to this event to avoid causing a scene or to avoid having to avoid causing one, but I think i'll end up deciding on the night.

overall my mood has been a lot better. the lack of emotional response to things seems to come from genuine boredom rather than from depression, as I'm realising that theres not actually a lot around here that holds my interest or means much to me, and the friends I have here are no longer very important to me. that said, I think there may be a kind of warm up period in social situations where I'm having to ease into it mentally and emotionally, if that makes any sense at all. it's not really that I cant feel anything, its more that I'm zoning in and out, both mentally and emotionally.

I'm still getting the low points, but they seem to be more focused now, and I'm attempting to get back in touch with my therapist to work through them. its mainly self esteem and trust issues that I think have some root in childhood experiences. I might make a thread about them, we'll see.

overall, vast improvement