Dreaming of thriving

[Strugglingmum]

Got my hair done today. I've been growing out my pixie for over a year now. Its finally at a length where I dont say I have short hair anymore. Got it coloured too which I'm loving. No more mad colours... just a nice brown..... its very normal. Not like me at all... but I'm loving it and no grey

[Suzi]

OOO hope there are pics on FB!

[Strugglingmum]

Heading off on our holiday tomorrow morning. Looking forward to the break and relaxing.

[Stella180]

Hope you both have a fantastic time away and don’t forget to show up your holiday snaps when you get back.

[Paula]

Have a wonderful time!

[Suzi]

Happy anniversary! Have a wonderful time!

[Strugglingmum]

Just checking in. Having a lovely time in Edinburgh. It's been so relaxing and so good to spend time chilling together. Very blessed.

[Suzi]

So glad you're having a great time!

[Stella180]

Good, now bugger off and enjoy some more of it :P

[Paula]

So glad you’re having fun! :)

[Strugglingmum]

Good, now bugger off and enjoy some more of it :P

(rofl)
Buggering off now

[Strugglingmum]

I'm back from buggering off (rofl)

Can honestly say I have had an amazing week and have been so relaxed and the form has been really good.
Its helped A and I be really connected and just enjoying being together without me 'being ill'. I have really felt a bit more like me and I chatted to people left right and centre.
My flashbacks were minimal and I slept really well all week.
Nice to be home too. My Katie nearly lost her tail she waged it so hard last night and she has barely left my side since. Anyway, lots to be done, Laundry is calling!!!

[Paula]

Aww sounds wonderful! :)

[Stella180]

So glad you had such a lovely time. Bet it nice to so home though, getting back to the kids and your fluff monster Katie. I bet she’s glued to your side now incase you leave her again. Don’t even dare to go to the toilet alone ever again lol

[Allalone]

Pleased you had a good time.

[Suzi]

So glad you had such an amazing time! :)

[Strugglingmum]

My son and his girlfriend brought me the most gorgeous bunch of roses today. They are stunningly beautiful

[Suzi]

That's awesome! They looked so beautiful on FB!

[Paula]

They are beautiful! :)

[Suzi]

How are you doing this morning hunni?

[Strugglingmum]

Morning all. Off to church this morning.
Looking forward to the service and catching up with some friends. If anyone wants to join me look for Dundonald Elim church on facebook. Service is live streamed at 11am.

After a week of heavily over indulging in rich foods I am literally back to porridge. Isn't it amazing how much better we feel eating healthily.

[Paula]

I’ve been loving the live-streamed service at our church. But today, for the first time in years, I had a real longing to be there in person. Hope you enjoyed your service :)

[Suzi]

So glad you got to church lovely. I'm hoping that we can make it work with H+F's timetable so we can get back to our Wednesday morning services. I'm feeling a real need to be going back there....

[Strugglingmum]

I'm feeling so tired his week. I ended up napping yesterday afternoon and this afternoon as well!! My mood is fine and I'm not feeling low but so so tired.
Anyway at least I got time to nap, it meant dinner was late but in the grand scheme of things..... what does it matter.
I also had my swim both days so I'm exercising too.
Had a psychology session yesterday and I'm honestly doing well with them. I'm still troubled with flashbacks but they aren't ruling my life anymore so I can cope better with them.

I got a letter for a review with my psychiatrist at the end of the month and shockingly its face to face......... first time he will have clapped eyes on me in 2 years. I'm hoping he will approve me to get my tablets monthly instead of a weekly script.... it's such a pain as the chemist is a village over. Here's hoping.
Anyway, I have a baby blanket to finish for Thursday so may get on with it!!

[Suzi]

I'm so proud of you for allowing yourself the naps. You've just been on holiday! That will have used up lots of other emotions/spoons etc and you need to recharge a bit! :)
That would be so fab for you getting monthly, rather than weekly scripts. Are you still troubled with suicidal ideations etc?

[Strugglingmum]

Still lying in bed at 9:30 am.
Need to get myself moving!!
Think I might skip a swim today and invite someone out for lunch instead. I'm feeling like relaxing.

[Paula]

Sounds like a perfect morning to me :)

[Suzi]

That sounds like a great plan to me!

[Strugglingmum]

Had a lovely lunch out with a friend who has broken her foot and is on crutches. She is used to living life full paced with a busy nursing job so she is struggling a bit with depending on others for everything..... and being back living with her parents temporarily!!

[Suzi]

I feel for her! I've hated having to be back on crutches. I'm so glad you got out to have a lovely lunch date!

[Strugglingmum]

Morning all. I've been busy tidying up for my cleaner coming...... I know I know what am I like!!
I'm having a fairly easy day as we are going out tonight.
I booked this treat ages ago as an anniversary present to ourselves.(rofl)
We are going to a cookery school for a Malaysian street food night. So the idea is you go and learn how to cook the dishes and get lots of tips on Asian cuisine etc and then we all sit down and eat together what we have cooked.
We both love experimenting with different cooking styles so I'm really looking forward to it.
It's as well we often cook together at home so at least there should be no arguing although I can be a bit of a control freak. I will have to lock the inner control freak away for the night.

[Paula]

Sounds fun!

[Suzi]

That sounds like a great way of spending an evening!

[Strugglingmum]

We had a fab night and the recipes and food was fantastic. Ate far too much but we really enjoyed cooking together and learning new things

[Suzi]

That sounds so awesome! Also sounds totally delicious!

[Strugglingmum]

Was up and away early to a church leaders meeting this morning. We had breakfast together and then a lovely time of worship and ministry.
Did the weekly food shop, home, packed it away and went to watch C playing in his football match.
Feet up now!!

[Suzi]

Sounds like a lovely way to spend the day!

[Strugglingmum]

Have to be honest and say spoons are in short supply today. I'm struggling with allowing myself to be ok with that but I have tidied for the cleaner coming, I have the dinner prepared and cooking in the slow cooker and am sitting down.... but I'm feeling guilty and lazy.
#needingtochangemymindset

[Paula]

Yes you do! That’s plenty to be getting on with today - can you create some of your beautiful baby clothes, if you must do something?

[Strugglingmum]

I have lifted my crochet and yes I have an order to complete so I'm getting on with it.
Days like this make me anxious as to how I'll cope when I get a job. Maybe the fact of having to do it will give me an extra drive to push through?
I'm tired, yesterday when I got in the pool I only did 32 lengths, that's at least half what I normally do.... i just couldnt do any more.
I guess I've been doing really good recently, maybe it just jolts me more when I have a none energy day because most days I'm ok.
I think I need to find a pick me up movie and be at peace with myself today.
......... but seriously....... what if I had a job? how would I do this?

[Paula]

We all have off days, whether we have MH issues or not. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. And, when you have a job, you would cope - it might mean you do less at home, maybe get someone else to cook or get a takeaway, maybe get everyone to help with the tidying up. You can do it!

[Suzi]

Totally agree with Paula.. How have you been sleeping? How's your self care going?

[Strugglingmum]

Sleep has been very hit and miss tbh. I tend to waken and can't get back to sleep again.
Today would have been mum's birthday. I'm finding it a bit tough but I know she is in a much better place and no longer tormented by alzheimer's
The last time I saw mum was on her birthday, she died 3 days later.
Trying to be super kind to me this week

[Stella180]

Anniversaries and birthdays can be so tough. I totally get it.

[Allalone]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Oh love, anniversaries and birthdays are tough, but when they're so close together that's double whammy... Definitely be kind to you. Have you got swims planned? Walking? A picnic out with Ali?

[Strugglingmum]

Had a good swim today and plan to swim again tomorrow.
Had a snuggle on the sofa with A tonight watching a bit of tv.

[Stella180]

Katie allowed that to happen without joining in!? lol

[Strugglingmum]

Katie allowed that to happen without joining in!? lol

Dont be daft!!..... she squeezed her large self into the tiny gap left on the 2 seater...... actually that's a lie .... she wriggled and shoved until there was a tiny gap for her to squeeze her butt into!!

[Stella180]

Now that sounds more like a shepherd. You’re lucky she didn’t squeeze between the two of you! Dog eh? You’ve gotta love them.

[Suzi]

(rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

How are you today lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm ok.
I've been busy at 5he centre this morning and just out of the swimming pool. Heading home for a late lunch and maybe some crochet.

[Suzi]

How did the rest of your day go love?

[Strugglingmum]

It's been ok. A bit of running around this evening and setting up our new broadband but did manage a bit of crochet too.

[Suzi]

Well done for getting some crochet done too :)

What's on the agenda for today?

[Strugglingmum]

Ironing!!! Bloody ironing!!

[Stella180]

I be only ironing one item of clothing all year and that was for my interview last week.

[Suzi]

Ewww, I hate ironing!

Tell me you did something fun or good for the soul?

[Strugglingmum]

Ewww, I hate ironing!

Tell me you did something fun or good for the soul?


Absolutely.... a surprise lunch out with A and a couple of friends for a birthday.
A took a day off last minute as did our friends so we took advantage and grabbed a quick lunch and a good natter. Was lovely.
When A sprung it on me... with 20 minutes warning I said no but so glad he persuaded me.

[Suzi]

I'm so glad you did.
I know today is a tough day hunni. Anniversaries are tough. But you can get through this. Be kind to yourself. Only do things that are good for the soul today please. Absolutely no ironing!

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks love.
Absolutely no ironing but I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist today... in person!!! Firat time he will have seen me in 2 years. It's been telephone appointments for the last while. Hoping he will see an improvement.

[Allalone]

Take care today.xx

[Suzi]

Wow! How did it go? Did you get through today safely?

[Strugglingmum]

I'll talk about it tomorrow. I'm feeling a bit crap after it tbh
But could just be that today was a tough day anyway

[Suzi]

Why are you feeling crap about it love? (bear) (bear) (bear) (bear)

[Strugglingmum]

The consultant was running behind so I saw another member of his team which I honestly never mind anyway but I guess i just felt he didnt really get me.

He probably thought he was being encouraging but I just felt those feelings of inadequacy washing over me and not trying hard enough and not meeting expectations.
As I said, maybe it wasnt the best day for me to have the appointment as I was a bit sad anyway but I didn't want to reschedule as dear knows when I'd have got another!!

[Suzi]

You inadequate? Hunni, you are so far from inadequate! I think you're amazing!
What kind of things did he say to make you feel like that?

[Stella180]

To totally get those feelings. It’s like they set a bar of where they think you should be and you can only look up at it but not reach it. The thing is recovery looks different for everyone and as you know is never a straight road. Like you say, his intentions were probably good but that’s not a technique that works for you. For what it’s worth I think you are a strong person who is taking your own route to wellness. Yeah it might take you on a bit of a detour and be the long way there but you will get there. Consider it the scenic route and don’t forget to look around.

[Allalone]

I agree with Suzi. You are certainly not inadequate. You are bloody brilliant! To go to that appointment yesterday took guts. You so easily could have cancelled, which given what day it was, would have been ok to do. Try and take it easy today.xx

[Strugglingmum]

One comment was
"Gosh you've been in therapy quite a while, have you not learnt all the techniques yet to control your PTSD?"

I asked his opinion about my expectations for work again and whether I was being realistic
His response.... there are army commanders who manage to command troops whilst having PTSD because they have learnt to control it... that's the point of you being in therapy to control your illness. Maybe you would be better doing a couple of hours volunteering each week if you're not controlling your symptoms.

You're emotionally unstable, you need to work harder at that and your flashbacks will not bother you the same.

I was actually quite traumatised by the appointment, it really triggered me but I'm better today. I was low this morning but I went to my ceramics class and played with clay and went for a good swim. It has helped alot.

[Stella180]

Wow, that guy sounds like a complete tosser. How bloody rude!

[Suzi]

He said what? I'd be complaining, f*it, I'll complain on your behalf!

Sweetheart he was completely out of order. He has no business being around anyone - mental health illness or not! I'm furious that he thought it was OK to talk to you like that - it definitely wasn't.
He could easily have set you back years with comments like that. I'm so angry!

[Strugglingmum]

I think he would say he is a straight talker, maybe a tough love type, I dont know.
Doesnt work for me anyway.
I know I can be quite sensitive so maybe I took his tone wrong or something, or misinterpreted what he was trying to get across.

Anyway, I am trying to move on and focus on any positive I can.
I'll talk it through with my psychologist next session.

[Allalone]

That is absolutely disgusting. I really don’t know what to say, I am so mad! It sounds like he was telling you off when he should be telling you well done for how far you’ve come on over the last couple of years.
You definitely need to talk it through with your psychologist.

[Suzi]

Straight talker? Nope, don't make excuses for him. He's a knob.
Definitely not oversensitive - when you were nursing would you EVER talk to someone like he did you? Nope, didn't think so.... Have you told A what was said?

[Paula]

It’s literally his job to talk to each patient in a way that DOES NOT trigger them, but helps them! That was disgusting!

Hunni, I hope you’re ok - though I’m super proud of how you’ve managed this….

[Strugglingmum]

Tbh I was really down this morning but I'm picking up a bit.
I told A the factual information from the appointment without the actual conversation. I'm always worried that my sensitivity makes me take things the wrong way.
A knows I'm a bit disappointed from the appointment and that it really upsets me when my PD is used as a reason for my issues. I know that that's irrational as it does contribute but I struggle with it.

[Suzi]

Have you noticed that you have immediately made this YOUR fault for the way that you have reacted. That's bollocks and not at all self compassionate (although I understand because I do the same too). This is about HIM not being able to communicate effectively or with any empathy, pretty key skills in his profession. Please do complain love, even if you can't do it for you, do it to potentially save the life of another patient. Also tell A. It's important. You are NOT "sensitive" about this at all. I promise.

[Strugglingmum]

I know Suzi.
I'm sorry, I do do that dont I . I think we both know where the 'It's my fault' comes from.

[Suzi]

We made the same connections in our pain therapy mindfulness group yesterday....

Sweetheart you don't have to apologise to me!

[Stella180]

As someone who also takes responsibility for everyone else’s actions, I get how hard it is to shake that mindset.

[Flo]

I feel for you love....people like that shouldn't be in charge of animals let alone people who are hurting and looking for advice and encouragement to work towards a better quality of life. Tbh, like the others, I would put in a complaint or if you can't bring yourself to do that tell your usual consultant when you see him again. I did it in Scotland when there was a locum. He had me in tears by the time I left. I made a complaint and it shocked the practice manager and other doctors. Never saw him there again. I wonder if he'd have spoken like that to one of his family members? Complaining doesn't come easy to sensitive beings like us because we tend to think that everything that goes wrong is our fault! Well I do anyway! You are a much loved, helpful and loving member of the DWD team and never forget that. There are a lot of doctors that forget the first line of the Hippocratic oath....First Do No Harm. (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks Flo. You really are the wisest woman I know.
Love ya. X

[Suzi]

She really is....

How are you doing today love?

[Flo]

Thanks Flo. You really are the wisest woman I know.
Love ya. X

Coo! I wish!.....I make some really huge blunders at times. But thanks for the compliment. Hope you're feeling better today sweetheart.
It's sunny here at the moment.....just right to take the sprout out for a walk! I expect I'll get another comment about him like: "'ere! where's the other 'alf of that dog?!" never mind eh? Less is more!.....well it has to be I suppose!xx(rofl)

[Strugglingmum]

So I have to be honest and say the last few days have found me floundering badly and feeling completely all over the place.
I'm getting up, doing my stuff etc but I am emotionally unstable. The joys of trauma and being triggered!
However I'm managing to function but there are tears for no reason, I feel blue and finding it harder to find my joy. I know it's there, its just being veiled by my trauma brain. Really taking it hour by hour here and celebrating the little things. Heading for swim now which will hopefully settle my agitation and anxiety.

The positives being.... I know what is going on in my head, I know why and I also know that it will settle again with time and with me keeping doing the things that help and not giving up.

[Suzi]

I am SO proud of you for talking about how you are feeling. Sweetheart you are amazing, but hunni anyone would struggle with what you've been through with that dr. When do you next see your psychologist? Can you call and ask her to call you back and tell her about it?

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks Suzi. I have an appointment next Monday, I'll be fine til then.
I guess for me it just highlights that when you are already having a lot going on, it can take very little to send you spiralling. I am so thankful for the techniques I've been taught to help me recognize this and cope through it. I've come a long way.

[Suzi]

Hunni, do not dismiss this as something "very little." He completely wiped out all the effort that you have put in. He completely trivialised everything.
I'm so proud of you for knowing that you have come such a long way, that's so important.

[Stella180]

I wouldn’t say it was a little thing but it didn’t take much effort for him to hit you where it hurt. You have come a long way and that proves that therapy is working for you and you are using the techniques you’ve been shown so in a way I guess this negative encounter has proved him wrong. You’re just working at your own pace.

[Paula]

I could have ‘words’ with him if it’ll help ;). Seriously, love, the fact that you’re working to dust yourself off after what he put you through is huge. You’re an inspiration!

[Suzi]

Can I come with Paula and have "words" with him too?

[Stella180]

Can I come and watch Paula and Suzi lay into the dude. I’ve bring popcorn, we can share.

[Strugglingmum]

I could have ‘words’ with him if it’ll help ;). Seriously, love, the fact that you’re working to dust yourself off after what he put you through is huge. You’re an inspiration!

Well this inspiration is struggling to put her feet on the floor today.
Lying in bed, have a lot I could be doing but I have a real sadness on me which I'm struggling to shift.
Yesterday morning Facebook memories threw up the tribute I wrote for my mums funeral, as I was reading it and feeling a bit tearful Ed Sheeran's Supermarket Flowers came on the radio..... I was a mess.

So today its happy music only, I need to sort out some crochet and I'm determined to force myself up the road for a swim. It's a half hour drive and some days it's the drive that I cant be bothered with.

So this is my get up call, I'm going to get moving, put clothes on and get coffee and breakfast!!
I'll read all your threads later.... if I start now I'll still be here and I need to move.
SM MOVE.... NOW.... UP!!

[Paula]

Proves my point. Even when you’re sad, you push yourself….

[Suzi]

Totally agree with Paula (again....)

[Strugglingmum]

So I'm pleased to report I did get up and moving. I finished a crochet order and sorted out my order book and plans for upcoming orders.
I went for a swim.... I only did 40 lengths today but that's ok.... I pushed myself to go and I feel better for it.
I am a lot calmer this evening.

I was kind to me today, I needed it, it helped and I focused on what I actually needed, not others expectations.

I also reminded myself that as well as having a mental health issue I am also going through the menopause and mood swings are also a symptom of that so it has helped me not beat up on myself for 'not keeping a handle on my mental health' or feeling emotionally unstable.

[Paula]

Well done, lovely :)

[Suzi]

I'm so proud of you!
My friend started a fb group for menopause stuff if you wanted me to add you ;)

[Allalone]

Well done! That post is amazing!

[Strugglingmum]

Have the ironing done this morning.
I slept fairly well when I eventually got over last night but I'm still a bit tired feeling this morning.
I have to take C to college later and the plan was to go for a swim while I'm in the town but I dont know if I will, I feel a bit drained today. I might just take Katie out for a few miles walk instead.
I know I need to do something active to help me cope but I'll see how I feel later. Sitting doing a bit of crochet now. I have orders galore for the next couple of weeks.

[Jaquaia]

Your work is stunning so I'm not surprised you have orders!

[Suzi]

I agree, I'm not surprised you have lots of orders!

[Paula]

It’s not like you not to want a swim. Are you ok?

[Strugglingmum]

Your work is stunning so I'm not surprised you have orders!


I agree, I'm not surprised you have lots of orders!

Thank you both. Xx


It’s not like you not to want a swim. Are you ok?

I'm just tired I guess. I think being so aggitated, emotional and all over the place for a few days has just exhausted me. Dont think the walk is happening either. I took C to college and came home. I've had lunch and tbh I'm ready for a nap.
I've put the TV on and I've lifted my crochet.

[Suzi]

I'm really proud of you for listening to your body. A swim/walk can wait....

[Flo]

There's nothing wrong with chilling with the tv on and doing a bit of crochet. Agitation, emotions and anxiety knocks the stuffing out of me so I can understand what you're feeling. Katie won't mind snuggling up beside you....long walks are a bonus. Sprout puts the brakes on after a few hundred yards...but I guess he's only little. Loves his early morning walks though. His favourite occupation is to lie on the settee in my corner and have his tummy rubbed! Can't ask for more than that can I.? They know when we aren't 'right' and when cuddles are needed. Clever things dogs!;)

[Strugglingmum]

I was going to say Good morning but it's a bit late for that!!
Fire lit, feet up, crochet hook going!!.

[Suzi]

That sounds lovely!

How are you feeling today love?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm ok thanks Suzi.
Hoping to get out to my ceramics class tomorrow. Tonight...... more crochet

[Suzi]

Glad you're OK hunni x

[Strugglingmum]

Today I was reminded of how easy it is to slip into a downward spiral and how hard it can be to stop yourself from free falling into a hole.

I had a psychiatric appointment a couple of weeks ago, it was a tough day in an already hard week. It really knocked me for 6. Since then my anxiety and agitation has been increased. I'm not sleeping very well or soundly.
This has a knock on effect on my flashbacks which sends my distress sky rocketing. I'm also exhausted and have a niggling tension headache most of the time which means I dont feel like doing the things that help me cope.... eg swimming, meeting up with friends. I just want to curl up on my sofa.
I'm trying to break the cycle. Yesterday I did a bit of gardening, today I met a friend for a short walk but I'm worn down. As ever stopping the direction of the spiral and turning it around requires a lot more energy than just staying riding it down. At the end of the day, I'm the only one that can make the choice to try turn it around and put the effort in that it takes.
Its damn hard, I dont really want to, I'm tired and my sofa is comfy but that black hole is not somewhere I want to be.
So today, I was honest with my psychologist, I shared the fact that I'm struggling with my friend because having your support network makes all the difference whether its friends, family, on line community , we all need it to succeed.

[Paula]

(panda)(panda)

Do you think you could go for a swim tomorrow?

[Strugglingmum]

(panda)(panda)

Do you think you could go for a swim tomorrow?

I'm hoping to. X

[Suzi]

I'm proud of you for recognising for this and knowing what you need to do... Maybe we could do a google meet thing next week or so? Might help?

[Stella180]

I’m definitely up for a google meet. Wait, am I gatecrashing? Sorry if I’m not invited but just saying I would really love to see all your lovely faces and chew the fat with you all. I miss those meetings.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm proud of you for recognising for this and knowing what you need to do... Maybe we could do a google meet thing next week or so? Might help?

Sounds good, let me know when suits you guys.

[Strugglingmum]

I am so exhausted and every muscle in my body aches (I know, some of you are thinking, welcome to my world)
I did a pile of ironing this morning and I'm worn out.
I'm actually beginning to wonder if I have a virus or something but I've no temperature. Dont think there will be much else done today. I feel ready for bed so dont think I'll try a swim. I thought about a walk but even the thought is making my legs ache more.
Sorry I dont mean to whinge but it just sort of struck me that maybe some of how I'm feeling has a physical cause. I'm always quick to blame my MH.

[Stella180]

You are aware that MH can have physical symptoms too. Physical exhaustion is t uncommon when we’re struggling mentally. Maybe you need a couple of days of taking it easy to recharge the battery.

[Paula]

While I agree with Stella, it might be worth doing a covid test, just to rule that out?

[Suzi]

I am so exhausted and every muscle in my body aches (I know, some of you are thinking, welcome to my world)
Absolutely not! I'd hate for anyone to deal with this kind of stuff....


I did a pile of ironing this morning and I'm worn out.
I had a long zoom meeting and went out to take H to get her 2nd covid vaccine yesterday and we walked around a shop too. Today I'm in a flare and have been flaking all day. I've done some studying, but not a lot else at all! Really, really, don't beat yourself up! Ironing is exhausting! It's one of the reasons I don't do it.

I'm actually beginning to wonder if I have a virus or something but I've no temperature. Dont think there will be much else done today. I feel ready for bed so dont think I'll try a swim. I thought about a walk but even the thought is making my legs ache more.
Sorry I dont mean to whinge but it just sort of struck me that maybe some of how I'm feeling has a physical cause. I'm always quick to blame my MH.
I really think that doing a covid test might be an idea as Paula suggests, but Stella is also right. You had that horrible experience with the psych and then been dealing with flashbacks etc and then having to go over it all with your psychologist.... Sweetheart, be kind to you. I think you're underestimating what a huge impact that blokes words have done to you.

[Strugglingmum]

Finally starting to feel like I have a bit more energy.
I'm getting a bit more sleep, still a bit broken but more hours in total.
I managed a swim today after my ceramics class , first time since last Friday. Was nice to be back in the pool!

I'm really worrying about my hubby.
He hasn't been enjoying his job for a while but he has a new team lead for the past couple of months who is even worse. He was near in tears yesterday and today because of it.
The thing is, he is so demoralised and lost all his confidence in himself so he is scared to leave. Also he doesnt have any qualifications....he has always worked with his hands so getting another job will be near impossible. He feels so trapped my heart breaks for him.
I feel guilty for not having a job yet to ease the pressure on him. He is carrying the world on his shoulders and he is near breaking point. I just want to fix everything for him. He is so miserable and stressed and his mental health is starting to suffer quite a bit.

[Paula]

He may not have qualifications but he obviously has skills. Perhaps he could test the water? Has he been with his company for long?
Would he go to the doctors?

[Suzi]

What kind of thing is it he does?
My big sister's hubby was in a similar boat, always worked with his hands, no qualifications - not even a city and guilds (so I was told) and he's started up his own handyman business and is doing really well. He's always busy! Could something like that work? It means that my bil can have no two weeks the same! Same as my little brother, although he has a level 3 in carpentry, he's started his own business and is turning work away. He put up the screens in the bar of several pubs, last week he was changing facias, he's done decking and is currently taken down my sisters conservatory and turning it into a proper extension for a bespoke kitchen.... Might be something to think about?

[Strugglingmum]

Yeah he used to be self employed a number of years ago but he isn't keen to do it again.
A lot of it is confidence... also last time he was self employed I was bringing in a good wage so if he had a slack week it didnt matter so much... now it is a scary thought.

He is going to put out some feelers into the building industry again to see the level of work that is out there.

[Suzi]

That's all fair enough. Love, you sound as if you are blaming yourself for him finding things tough.... Do not beat yourself up for not having a job right now...

[Strugglingmum]

I'm trying. I'm also reminding him that we will always find a way through, whatever.

[Suzi]

Exactly... You've weathered other storms together, you will this one too. You can do it, but you each have to be kind to you too...

[Strugglingmum]

Didn't sleep that well last night so I'm giving the centre a miss today, I'll catch up on some crochet instead. Will I manage to force myself up the road for a swim? Who knows.
Its absolutely bucketing down here!!

[Suzi]

(bear) (bear) I'm glad you're being kind to you lovely...
Welcome to join us for coffee morning if you fancy...

[Paula]

Do you know why you didn’t sleep?

[Strugglingmum]

Managed a swim today and I have to say it did its magic and calmed a lot of what is going on in my head..... for a while anyway!!
Spent time having a coffee and chat with a friend too.
All in all, a better day than some

[Suzi]

So glad you've managed it and it's helped love.

[Paula]

Morning, gorgeous, how are you?

[Strugglingmum]

Good morning. I'm doing ok.
I've just had a phone call to slot me into my consultant's clinic today.....yes I'm still trying to get my meds sorted!!

Hopefully it will slow things down for me.

[Suzi]

That's great that you've finally got that appointment. Sorry it's taken a while to sort out!

[Strugglingmum]

Relieved to have my antipsychotic increased. Hopefully will see an improvement

[Paula]

Well done, hunni

[Suzi]

That's good news.... When do you start the increase?

[Strugglingmum]

I increased tonight as I through caution to the wind and used today's and tomorrow's dose hoping the script will be ready tomorrow.... I'm due my tablets on Friday anyway as I only get 7 days at a time.

[Stella180]

I went through a spell of only being allowed 7 days meds. It was a pain having keep going back weekly but it was the safest option at the time.

[Suzi]

How are you feeling after increasing?

[Strugglingmum]

My increase as yet hasn't done as much as I had hoped but it's still early days.

In other news, as some of you know I'm trying to get back into work after over 5 years of illness. It's tough, I've had a lot of rejections....or just no replies at all, and finding something without shift work etc has been hard too.
This week I am sitting psychometric tests for the 2nd round in the application process for a job. I'm not sure its a job that I desperately want but it's a job. It's also been very heavily applied for so I'm in a huge competition but I'm trying to stay calm and see what happens.
Wish me luck guys. My head is so scrambled at the minute and I'm still not sleeping great so I feel a bit screwed, but sure, you never know.

[Stella180]

Believe. You know you are more than capable or you wouldn’t have applied. They would be lucky to have you and if you don’t get the job then that is their loss. Make sure you rest up once you’re done. Feet up and cuppa and chocolate biscuit or two.

[Suzi]

Just remember you are interviewing them to see if you want to work for them!
If you haven't been able to get the jobs then you can always contact them and ask for feedback as to why your application wasn't successful.

[Paula]

I’m so proud of you! As Stella says, you are definitely capable. I know how tough the endless rounds of CV submission, interviews etc is, but you can do it!

[Strugglingmum]

I've organised to go into the training centre to use their IT suite to sit the tests. I'm going in Wednesday afternoon for a test run and then hope to sit the tests on Thursday if all goes well. I have til next Monday to submit the tests.

[Stella180]

You’ll be just fine. I have every faith in you.

[Suzi]

Well done love! You're far from a stupid person. Ask questions you need answers to and work out if you even want to work for them... What kind of job is it?

[Strugglingmum]

So I guess I can safely say the increase in tablets isn't helping my sleep any. Heading to bed before A realises I'm still up!!

[Suzi]

Oh, I'm sorry love. I was still up at 4 so I sympathise. Did you get any sleep?

[Flo]

I feel for you! Lack of sleep is horrible. It seems the more desperate we are to get sleep the more difficult it becomes! Operating on auto pilot to get through the day is gruelling. Good luck with your tests ...you'll be fine. You're a clever lady. As suzi says turn the tables and interview them! Are they right for YOU!;)

[Paula]

Did you get any sleep at all?

[Flo]

Morning love.....how are things today?

[Strugglingmum]

Hi Flo.
Plodding on and keeping busy

[Suzi]

Did you get to Church today?
What are you doing to keep busy? Any self care?

[Strugglingmum]

I was at church this morning and this evening.
Did a bit of crochet and watched some Jack Whitehall stand up routines. Anything for a laugh

[Suzi]

You still feeling crappy? Have you spoken to Ali? Your Pastor?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm still not sleeping. Yip I've talked to them both about all that's been going on. I have psychology tomorrow morning so I'll see how that goes. Will get a swim in as well.

[Suzi]

I'm really proud of you for talking. Also have to say I love your gnomes you've made this week!

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks..... I'm rather in love with them too!!
Very easy Suzi.... you should have a go. X

[Suzi]

I'm currently involved in a CAL project of a whatchamacallit blanket which I'm loving... Do you want the pattern?

[Strugglingmum]

Oh I have seen that one. Think I have the pattern for it. Xx

[Suzi]

:) Its a good distraction, but easy enough to pick up and put down ;)

[Flo]

Are you talking crochet? I can't crochet which is a shame because my mum loved crocheting...never mind. Pleased you're feeling a bit better SM. Talking of church....I went to a meeting of our Wednesday club last friday and we made afternoon tea themed cut-outs to hang on the church tree. Ian is going to make a gold teapot to go on the top. One of our churches is ancient and looks amazing at Christmas, our other one in Churchstanton is even older and has a minstrels gallery where the local land owners used to congregate...there are carvings there that go back to 1100 or so. Might even go to midnight mass on christmas eve! Just a bit of useless information thought you might like.(giggle)

[Strugglingmum]

I love old churches Flo.
Whenever I see one I immediately want a tour round.
We do midnight mass on Christmas Eve too. I love it.

[Suzi]

Yup crochet ;) I can't knit!

I love old churches! There's something almost magical - well spiritual in them.
SM how are you this evening?

[Strugglingmum]

Went to our midweek service in church and grabbed a coffee after with some friends

[Suzi]

Glad you got to do that. Did it help at all?

[Strugglingmum]

It distracted my brain for a while and I find being at church soothing. It's also a very loving place.

[Suzi]

So glad it helped even a little. What've you got planned for today?

[Strugglingmum]

Got an email today to say I'm progressing to the next round in selection for one of the jobs I applied for.... dear knows how many more rounds there are and no idea how many jobs there are as it says they will maintain a waiting list for 18 months but at least I can say I tried and I'm making it further than I ever thought I would.
Despite everything that is going on in my head and with my family, I'm still trying.

[Stella180]

That’s great news. You’ve got this.

[Paula]

Well done, love!

[Allalone]

Well done! You’re amazing!

[Suzi]

That's amazing! Well done lovely!

[Strugglingmum]

Thank you all. Just a step forward, still a few to go but yes I'm pleased. X

[Stella180]

So you should be. Remember they will be lucky to have you.

[Suzi]

It's a huge step forward! You should be really proud of yourself. I'm proud of you!

[Strugglingmum]

So I dont want anyone falling over in shock (Paula, especially you.x)
I have a thing tomorrow night which I normally spend hours baking for... scones, traybakes, buns cake etc
Today I bought scones, cake, some traybakes. Tomorrow I'll do my lemon cupcakes, but that's it.
I realised.... I'm too tired, why would I stress myself like that. Will anyone really care if they aren't homemade.... it's my pride that wants them home baked. Today I made a decision to listen to what my body could cope with and act accordingly. I'm more impressed with that than anything else recently

[Stella180]

Well done for listening to your body and not pushing yourself self too far. Sweet treats will be enjoyed whether home baked or shop bought.

[Paula]

I am hugely impressed! And proud of you

But…. Really? Bloody cheek! (rofl)

[Suzi]

I am so amazingly proud of you! Well done love!

[Flo]

You've done the right thing. I suffer from this pride thing too, but like you, for my own sake I buy instead of bake! As my first sponsor used to say " Does it REALLY matter Jen?" well no it doesn't! Plenty more home bakes when you feel like it. Oh, and well done with your first phase job selection. I'll keep my fingers crossed! xx

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks Flo. X
Hope you are doing ok. How is your furbaby doing?

[Flo]

Fur baby is incredibly furry! He has gained a bit of weight which is a good thing as his backbone was very prominent when we got him...his new coat arrived an hour ago and fits him to a T! He's lounging on the settee beside me at the moment. Looking forward to seeing my other big baby tomorrow (Zoe) she and her fiance are flying down from Inverness all being well for a long weekend...just hope the weather isn't too horrible..it'll be good to catch up.xxx hope all is well with you love.

[Strugglingmum]

Oooo have a wonderful weekend Flo!!!

[Suzi]

Oh how awesome! Hope you have an amazing weekend together!

[Paula]

Yay! Have a lovely time!

[Flo]

Oooo have a wonderful weekend Flo!!!


Oh how awesome! Hope you have an amazing weekend together!


Yay! Have a lovely time!

Thank you....lots of love to you all.xxxxx

[Strugglingmum]

We have spent last night and today decorating our bedroom. Its not finished.... still wallpaper to put on 1 wall. It's looking well. We probably won't get the woodwork done til Christmas when Ali can take all the doors down and spray them.
Hopefully tonight we can move back the wardrobes and maybe sleep in our bed tonight instead of the sofa.
Its been a great distraction.

[Suzi]

Are you talking as you work?

[Strugglingmum]

You know what, we are enjoying talking about rubbish. There has been so many upsetting serious discussions this week. Today we laugh.... or try!!

[Paula]

That’s an awesome post!

[Suzi]

That's a fantastic post!

[OldMike]

There's nothing like the therapeutic effect of decorating :)

[Jaquaia]

There's nothing like the therapeutic effect of decorating :)

Nearly falling off a ladder while holding half a tin of paint is bloody stressful though!!!

[Suzi]

Why were you up a ladder with half a tin of paint?

[Jaquaia]

I was painting the wall over the door and overbalanced a little!

[Flo]

Good for you!....d'ya know what? I'm embarrassed to say that I wouldn't know what to do with a paint brush!! I have the greatest respect for people that can do their own decorating. I'd be a total liability if I offered to help anyone! Great too that you can laugh and talk rubbish....I do a lot of that. Zoe and I killed ourselves laughing over the weekend doing just that. She went home yesterday and I'm going through the grieving process. She and her bloke spent a lot of time getting to know the locals at the pub. She knows more people than I do!(giggle)xxx

[Suzi]

I was painting the wall over the door and overbalanced a little!

Should you really have been doing that?


Aw Flo, I'm sorry love.

[Jaquaia]

I've helped my dad since I was little Flo! I can even tile! Hugs to you, but I think it shows just how awesome your little girl is!

Suzi, I was pacing... Mostly...

[Suzi]

Yeah, probably as much as I have been today ;)

[Flo]

Thanks Jaq....you can turn your hand to almost anything! how's your brood? looking forward to santa?

[Strugglingmum]

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=6573837342691670&id=111763915512018

Thought I would share a link to our carol service this evening with Brass band.
Just to get you all in the mood. X

[Strugglingmum]

Psych review this morning and then a visit to see father.. appreciate any good thoughts you want to send my way.

[Jaquaia]

Sending so many good thoughts your way! (panda)

[Suzi]

How did they go love? What were you seeing your father for?

[Strugglingmum]

Meds increased again and 2 weeks sleeping tablets.

Christmas present delivery. My friend went with me. She was brill.

[Suzi]

How are you feeling about the increase and sleeping tablets?

Glad the present delivery went well!

[Strugglingmum]

I'm willing to try anything if it will help.
It would be nice to get more than 4hrs sleep at a time, although I slept an hour this afternoon.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you're not ruling anything out.

[Flo]

How are you doing love? Are you managing to get any decent sleep? I know how miserable it is not being able to sleep. I hope the meds are doing their job. xxx

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks Flo. Hopefully sleep will improve soon. Xx

[Suzi]

Hey love, how are things?

[Strugglingmum]

Hey love, how are things?

Trying to keep busy. I dissolve into tears at no provocation but A and I are trying to help each other get through

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

I'm so glad you're talking things through with Ali love.

[Flo]

Lots of love coming your way sweetheart. xxxx(bear)(bear)

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks Flo. Xx

[Strugglingmum]

Can someone close this thread please. X

[Stella180]

Whoa, wait a minute. What’s going on?

[Allalone]

Is everything ok?

[Suzi]

Once again, I'm closing this as you're asking, but I have sent you a pm which I need an answer to please.