Dreaming of thriving

[Strugglingmum]

I'm ok.
The past few days have been tough. I've been struggling with memories and negative thoughts but I think it was all a reaction to our friends death. It was her funeral yesterday.
Maybe things will improve a bit now.
I've been busy this morning plus yoga and a walk done . Going to put my feet up with my crochet hook for a couple of hours. I've a couple of new patterns I want to try.

[Paula]

(panda) how’s A coping?

[Strugglingmum]

Quiet and sleeping a lot.... its his go to.
If life is too much....just switch it off and have a nap.

[Suzi]

Marc's the same, it doesn't make it easy for you though love.....

[Strugglingmum]

Tonight I am taking part in murder mystery event by zoom. Certainly something different to put in a Friday night.
Me and my bestie may be separated by miles but tonight we work as a team to see if we can solve the murder......unless one of us is the murderer:(:

[Paula]

Sounds fun!

[Suzi]

That sounds so much fun and something completely different! Enjoy it lovely!

[Strugglingmum]

Had a great night at the murder mystery event.
I dolled up to fit my character and make the most of the night.
Even had a wee glass of vino with some cheese and crackers.
Ready for my bed now.......such a party animal (rofl)

[Stella180]

Sounds like a fun night out while staying in. I can see these kinda things happening more in the future even after lockdown.

[Paula]

So, you didn’t do it? ;)

[Strugglingmum]

Moi????
No .....I'm an innocent, you all should know that!!(rofl)

[Suzi]

You looked stunning! Did you solve it?

[Stella180]

Moi????
No .....I'm an innocent, you all should know that!!(rofl)

^) (think) (wait) (rofl)

[Strugglingmum]

You looked stunning! Did you solve it?

Thank you(Kiss)
We did follow all the clues to the culprit..... then thought it was too obvious so did some classic overthinking and decided on someone else(think)(rofl)

[Paula]

That’s the sort of thing I do lol

[Suzi]

(rofl) (rofl) That sounds like what would happen in this house too!

[Suzi]

Hey gorgeous, how are you?

[Strugglingmum]

Hi Suzi. I'm doing ok.

[Suzi]

OO that doesn't sound good - are you REALLY OK? Or just saying OK to plaster over things?

[Paula]

You’ve been ever so quiet, love....

[Strugglingmum]

I know, I'm sorry.
I just really dont have much to say.
I'm feeling tired a lot and dont have much get up and go.
The inside of my mouth is completely broken down so I'm a bit miserable with that. My walks have either been shorter or not happening.
I'm meeting a friend today to walk our dogs together and I want to do it but I feel so weary. I'll be ok once I get there, it's just hard to get myself together at the moment. I could quite honestly spend my days in bed if I gave in to it. But I wont, thats not me. I know some people can spend a day in bed and feel recharged but it just makes me feel worse. Getting up and moving is better for me, that's why I arranged to meet someone....so that I have to do it.

[Suzi]

You don't have to be sorry, we just worry about you ;)

Has something happened to trigger this down spot? What's happened with your mouth?
(bear) Hope you enjoy your walk lovely..

[Strugglingmum]

I now have very swollen glands under the rhs of my jaw. Its sending pain into my ear and up my face into my eye. I guess I must be fighting some kind of virus, that's probably why I've been feeling so yuck recently.

[Suzi]

OO ouch! Are you able to rest and give yourself time to fight it? Maybe a Drs appointment?

[Paula]

How re you feeling?

[Stella180]

Are you feeling any better now?

[Strugglingmum]

My glands are still swollen and sore but not sending the shooting pain up into my temple and the pain is responding to brufen so that's better. The inside of my mouth is still a bit raw and sore but again not constant pain.

One of our cats is missing. He does do this occasionally but it's been almost a week now so I'm concerned about him, normally it's a few days. Although we live well up a lane away from the road, there are added dangers of foxes, badgers, dogs, even mink. Also there are roadworks on the main road so a lot of cars are using our wee country road instead of the diverted route. I'm worried he may have got hit. He's an independent wee character but I'm missing his wee face glaring in the window at me when I haven't fed him yet!

[Stella180]

This is one of the reasons I prefer dogs over cats. When they go out wondering you have no idea where they are or what kind of mischief they get up to and when you don't come home it's a worrying time. Hopefully he's just prowling the area and keeping the mouse population down and will be back soon.

[Paula]

Oh no, hunni :(

[Suzi]

Oh lovely I'm so sorry. Can you and the kids go for a wander tonight to try to look for him? What about putting a post on FB asking for people to keep a close eye you for him?

[Stella180]

How you doing? Been very quiet.

[Suzi]

I was wondering the same thing...

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks I'm fine, just not very much to say.
Nothing out of the ordinary happening here.
Same old stuff

[Paula]

Hey, you don’t sound fine - you sound very low....

[Suzi]

Are you still having psychology? Are you able to still get out for a walk etc? Any news on relaxing of rules and opening of swimming pools?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm a bit low, bit fed up
I think it's just from not feeling that well. My glands are still up a bit and I'm more tired than normal so pushing myself out is harder.
I'm meeting a friend for a socially distanced walk tomorrow and a takeaway coffee
Nothing has changed here yet other than schools restarting although I think they are now off for Easter.
Golf courses open later this week so A is very excited about that.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni! Should you see a Dr? Are you coming down with something?

[Strugglingmum]

Oh hunni! Should you see a Dr? Are you coming down with something?

My glands have been up for days. They'll just say its viral and give it time. I'm taking it easier than usual and trying to not stress about it

[Paula]

Surely it’s worth just calling 111 (or symptom checking online)?

[Stella180]

It’s been quite a while now so if you’re still suffering it must be worth getting it checked out now.

[Suzi]

How long has it been now love?

[Strugglingmum]

Its probably about a week. Thankfully they are not so sore today. It's only been on one side and I haven't had any other symptoms other than being tired. Maybe the fresh air today will do me good.

[Suzi]

Hope that you enjoy your walk lovely...

[Strugglingmum]

Hope that you enjoy your walk lovely...

Didnt really. Dont know what was up with me. I just seemed very disconnected

[Suzi]

When are you due to speak to your psychologist again? Do you want to talk about things?

[Paula]

What’s going on at home?

[Suzi]

How is A? Your babies?

[Strugglingmum]

How is A? Your babies?

They are all good. Working away but looking forward to a few days off for Easter. A has some golf booked, bless him. Our courses reopen tomorrow.

What’s going on at home?

Nothing out of the ordinary that I can think of. My son made a few jibes the other night as a joke and I guess I'm overthinking a bit. I know it was not meant to hurt at all and if I wasnt already feeling a bit low I would laugh them off.


When are you due to speak to your psychologist again? Do you want to talk about things?

I have psychology after Easter. Took a break for a couple of weeks.
I really dont have anything to talk about. My mood is a bit low, I'm tired, I need to shower...but dont want to. I'm doing lots of crochet but not out walking so much or doing yoga because my get up and go has gone. I'm putting it down to my body fighting some sort of viral thing. My glands dont seem to be swollen this morning, I just have a bit of pain in my ear but today I can touch it.

[Suzi]

You sound really low, I'm concerned for you. Why not get in the shower and wash away as much of the crappy feeling as you can? It might help even a tiny amount...

[Strugglingmum]

I didnt shower...I was already dressed and couldn't be bothered undressing again. I did walk a couple of miles with Katie though and baked some muffins for Io off her breakfasts

[Stella180]

So you’ve looked after Katie’s needs and you’ve looked after Io’s needs. When is it time for you to look after your own needs?

[Suzi]

Stella is right, what have you done today that has been something positive for you?

[Strugglingmum]

I did a face scrub, toned and moisturised my face.

[Paula]

That’s a good start, can you sit down with a film tonight, maybe?

[Strugglingmum]

I had to do a delivery and drop and pick Io at foodbank.
Then I'll go home. C is coming home later and I promised I would make waffles for him. I'll mix the batter when I get home then I'll just need to pour them.

[Suzi]

Any chance of sitting and chatting and not rushing around doing so much for everyone else?

[Suzi]

Hey hunni, how are you?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm glad to have finished my orders on time and I'm taking a break for a week. I'm not so sore and my glands have settled a bit. I'm still really tired. I cant wait to get to bed tonight and no alarm clock in the morning. I cant take my antipsychotic during the week as I cant wake up in time so tonight will be lovely, no nightmares.
Today I got a few jobs done but tbh I'm ready to settle down and feet up

[Paula]

Hunni, does your doctor know you’re not taking it all the time?

[Suzi]

Hunni, which antipsychotic are you taking? Is it one which you have to take every day for it to have the medicinal effect?

[Stella180]

It’s no wonder you aren’t in a good place if you’re not taking your meds correctly.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm on a very small dose of Olanzipine.
It's a very low dose which basically is to slow my brain down at night and to reduce nightmares.
My psychiatrist knows I dont take it every night, only at the weekend. I need to be able to function as mum ...... that's an important part of my therapy too.... so he is agreeable to me managing it as I can. He would prefer me to take it every night to help me not have nightmares, sleep better and therefore help my mood but understands I need to strike a balance. Being too zonked to function in the mornings has a poor effect on my mental health too. Io is off for a week now so I'll be taking it every night this week.

[Suzi]

It'll be interesting to see whether your mood picks up this week....
Are your nightmares bad atm?

[Strugglingmum]

About usual. Some nights worse than others. I know the antipsychotic works and in an ideal world I would take it every night but as we know..... this is not an ideal world. My mood will be a bit better after a few days because I'll be sleeping deeper and not fighting a monster in my sleep.

[Suzi]

How long till Io can take her driving test and drive herself?

[Strugglingmum]

No moves to open up testing here yet. I think it's on step 4......we areonly just edging on to step 2 of our exit plan

[Stella180]

Can you not take take the meds an hour or two earlier? Would that help on weekdays? I know I was given a very low dose of amitriptyline to help with insomnia and it worked a treat but I was taking it at 9pm asleep by 11pm and I couldn’t drag myself out of bed much before midday and I was like the living dead til about 3pm so was only functioning for 6hrs a day. That was only 10mg!

[Strugglingmum]

I'm very susceptible to a lot of meds. This knocks me out for 12 hours, thats not acceptable to me on a daily basis.
We have worked out a way to help me get as best an outcome as possible that combines all my needs.
No it's not ideal, but its workable

[Paula]

I love that you’re owning this!

[Suzi]

I agree with Paula - it's brilliant that you know this, you're aware of this and most importantly that you've told your psych everything and told them that you aren't taking it every night. That's hugely important. I'm so proud of you!

[Strugglingmum]

After a couple of really good nights sleep I'm feeling much more energised and my mood has lifted a bit too.
I've been getting some jobs done today and been spending time with Io.

[Paula]

Fab!!

[Suzi]

That's brilliant news!
So, annoyingly it seems that taking the meds each night is a factor? At least you know - I know you can't change that now, unless A can give Io a lift to work a couple of mornings a week - wed and thursday or something so you can take one on Wednesday night?

[Strugglingmum]

At the moment we have worked out the best plan we can to help me both medicinaly and therapeuticaly.
I need the balance of feeling useful and needed by the family but also need the effect of the meds to get a couple of nights of sound sleep a week. I do that on a Friday and Saturday night and sometimes a Sunday night depending if Io is at college or studying from home on a Monday.

I've had a decent day, achieved goals and enjoyed time with Io.
I even managed 4miles of a walk in the wind and hail. Last week I could barely be bothered to go to the loo so it's a big improvement. Of course I also had been poorly with my glands etc which probably drained me more than usual.

I'm crocheting for fun this week, trying out some patterns I've been dying to make. It's nice having no pressure to get things finished. I'm enjoying the break.

[Suzi]

I'm proud of you for talking things through and coming up with a plan as good as you can for now. That's hugely important.

Glad you're doing things which are good for your soul x

[Strugglingmum]

Oh my goodness, typical April..... 4 seasons in one!!!
We had snow, hail, icy wind and then beautiful sunshine on our walk today.
We were dressed in hats, coats and boots and then stripping our coats off the next moment because the sun came out.
It was lovely to get out with A for a walk though.

[Suzi]

That sounds like fun! :)

[Paula]

Si put the washing out this morning and it dried... then we had snow! It’s bizarre

[OldMike]

It even tried to snow here and it's so cold.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you doing?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm good. I have all the ironing done this morning and now I'm sat eating eggs, bacon, mushrooms, beans and a wholemeal pitta.

[Stella180]

I’m so jealous

[Suzi]

Sounds like a brighter morning!

[Paula]

Nomnom

[Strugglingmum]

Have to confess I'm struggling a bit today.
I have done some housework and took a load to the dump but feeling kinda flat. Crochet isn't doing it for me today and motivation is low.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Managed to kick my ass into gear and took Katie out for a 5 mile walk. It did me good. I'm just home and its started to pour. Talk about thankful. We are lovely and dry and I even brought the washing in before I came in the door. Double win

[Suzi]

Do you know what caused to make you feel crappy this morning? Well done for taking Katie out. Well done on sorting the washing before it had a final rinse from God! :)

[Strugglingmum]

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!
Spent a day and a bit working on a new pattern. Almost finished and realised that I had done it wrong.....right from the beginning!!
Here goes the frogging.:@

[Suzi]

Oh no! How badly did you do it? Could it not just be a unique one off?

[Stella180]

It’s not wrong, it’s just a bit different. You’ve created your own pattern.

[Strugglingmum]

It's all frogged.

A is playing a very dangerous game.
I went to get a bit of the Easter egg Io had bought between us...... he scoffed the whole egg and left the foil in so I wouldn't notice. I was not impressed. He and Io thought it hilarious.
You would think after all these years he would know better than to leave me unmedicated with chocolate (n)

[Suzi]

Oh no about the frogging!

A did that and is still alive?

[Stella180]

Does he not realise the penalty for chocolate theft?

[Paula]

How are you feeling today?

[OldMike]

Leaving you with no chocolate isn't that a capital offence (giggle)

[Strugglingmum]

So today he has made it up to me. We have been out most of the day, had a lovely walk, takeaway coffees, scones, McDonald's, Visited some historic landmarks . It's been a lovely day out.

[Suzi]

So glad you've had some family time! The photos are fabulous!

[Strugglingmum]

So today something new happened.
A got me a cleaner for 2 hrs per week. Today is her first day. I'm finding it strange having someone doing stuff that I should be doing. My psychologist was delighted when I told her during our session today. She couldn't believe I was accepting help.
I did of course do a quick tidy before she came(rofl)
I've asked her to do my floors and the bathrooms. If she does that...I'm happy.
A wants me to see it as a necessity rather than an extravagance but I'm finding that just as hard as I find it hard to accept I need help..... after all, I'm physically very fit.
However, I'm choosing to be compassionate and tell myself it's ok to need help. The jobs you hate most are harder to get yourself going for and take up most brain power.
First week is the hardest...... I hope!

[Paula]

And it means you have an extra 2 hours to focus on what really counts - you and your family. Plus you are putting some money into a local small business

[Suzi]

I think that's awesome! Well done for accepting it and for helping her out by giving her a job! Well done A!

[Strugglingmum]

Looking at my lovely clean floors and bathrooms....(and the extra little bits she did cause she had time)...... I freaking love having a cleaner!!

[Paula]

(party)

[Stella180]

Oh you missed my hissy fits around me initially getting the help of a cleaner in a few years ago. Trust me I totally get it but it takes so much pressure off once you stop beating yourself up about how you should be doing it yourself.

[Suzi]

So glad you're going to allow you to keep her coming!

[Strugglingmum]

So happy today at the easing in restrictions announced. I will be able to swim in 2 weeks time!! Superhappy.(party)

[Suzi]

YAY! Pleased for you lovely!

[Flo]

Great news sweetheart!

[Strugglingmum]

Broke my heart this afternoon watching Prince Philip's funeral.
So simple, so touching and our dear Queen so dignified but seems to have visibly shrunk.

[Stella180]

I couldn't watch it. It feels wrong, especially during the times we are in when so many who knew him personally can't attend his funeral. I never met the man so why should I be a part of the service? Just me personal choice.

[Suzi]

I agree with you SM, it was so beautiful and dignified. The Queen sitting alone was so harsh though. I really, really felt for her. Royalist or not, someone losing their husband after 73 years of marriage and then going back to work 3 days later should be enough for anyone's respect.

[Strugglingmum]

Absolutely Suzi. I have so much respect and admiration for her.

[Stella180]

I feel sorry for her having to share her personal grief with an entire nation. Nothing can compensate for the lose of a life partner. A lot of people don’t even reach 73 yrs of age let alone share a life with someone for that long. How does anyone recover from a lose like that? My sympathies go out to her.

[Strugglingmum]

It's really been a week of it and I'm really tired.
I spent a few hours on my favourite beach today (3.5 hrs drive there and back) and I'm stable but I am exhausted. Different issues with the kids etc have just really worn me down this week and I haven't been sleeping great. I have a busy day tomorrow but I'm hoping for a chance this week to just rest and be.

[Suzi]

Why haven't you been talking about it? You know that none of us judge you, or anything going on and I know it's helped me beyond belief to have the support and the sharing of experiences from my friends here...

[Strugglingmum]

Honestly it's a lot of little things that are small, silly and then escalate. I need sleep more than anything.

[Stella180]

Those are the best things to talk about so they don’t mount up and cause a bigger problem.

[Suzi]

Are you still up early and late to drop off and pick up? Is there any way that A could do one or two so you can sleep more? Maybe Tues night and drop off Wednesday morning?

[Strugglingmum]

A does the late nights to let me go to bed. I'm still up early but the biggest issue is just stress keeping me awake.

I had psychology this morning and also met my sister for a walk. Cleaner here now. I'm ready for a rest

[Suzi]

How was psychology? Any of the stress things you want to talk about?
I wish I could give you a big hug! (bear) (bear) (bear)

[Strugglingmum]

I have a lot of anxieties re:the future. My future, the kids futures, decisions etc etc etc. I'm trying to just breathe have faith and know that whatever happens we can get through it all together.

[Suzi]

It's hard to do though, I totally agree. Those worries are the same ones we all have I think... not that it makes anything easier or less for each of us.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm feeling very emotionally and mentally drained today. I think stress is just really catching up with me.
Hoping for an early night!

[Suzi]

Oh no love! Do you want to talk about what's going on in your head?

[Strugglingmum]

There is so much its all a confused jumble. A lot of plain old mum stuff. I find that although I'm doing a lot better, it's still a bit fragile. I certainly cant carry the load I used to without it pulling me down.
I'm worried about my eldest away in England, Io is having issues which have drained every part of me over the past week.

[Suzi]

Hunni, you are amazing, but you have to give you a break. You don't have to carry everything on your own love. You can talk to us, you can share the fears and the load with Ali.
It's only natural to be worried about your babies - especially when they aren't with you. What's up with Io?

[Strugglingmum]

Yeah I've been talking to A alot. Io has been talking to him too. He finds it easier to listen and then, I dont know, it's like he can listen, give advice if necessary and then set it down.
It's like he knows he doesn't need to carry it or something. It's not that he doesn't care but he's able to separate himself from it or something. I actually really admire that skill. I was able to do it with work but have never managed it with the kids.
I went back to bed this morning so I'm just up and fed. I'm going to have another cuppa and then do some housework.

[Suzi]

It's not something I find easy... I never have.
Are you going to pace?
You know we're here too if you want to talk about what's going on...

[Strugglingmum]

I've been gutting out D's room while he is away. I have it all done now apart from the top of the wardrobe.
I have to take C to college and grab a few groceries so it may get done later or it may be the one thing left undone ad Io has foodbank tonight so I have to do that.

[Suzi]

OO Did D know you were going to do his room?
That's a lot of running around too. I sympathise, today is a 4 schoolrun day for us....

[Strugglingmum]

I told D that if he left his bed clear I would strip it and wash the bedclothes while he was away (I dont normally enter the kids rooms. They are all adults and if they want to live like pigs and sleep in dirty beds...)
However, I couldn't even find the bed so I've been trying to sort things out while still maintaining his privacy etc.
Its clean, it smells good and the window has been open since he went away(rofl)

[Suzi]

Lol! I have similar rules in my house!

[Strugglingmum]

Had to reschedule my 2nd Covid jab. It was due tomorrow but my anxiety/stress levels are too high to go on my own. I made it for Saturday so A could take me.
I got my first one at the hospital but they have now transferred everyone to the regional vaccination centre which is further away, not on a bus route and in a really busy area for work traffic. My appointment was for 9:30. It was just all seeming too much for me.
Anyway, a lovely lady in appointments sorted it for me.

[Paula]

Well done for doing that, love :)

[Stella180]

Good for you! Glad they were understanding.

[Suzi]

I'm so proud of you for listening to your body and changing it to make it better for you. That's really important. Well done love.

[Strugglingmum]

Well it all took its toll. Came home after my swim, had lunch and cooked out for an hour.

[Suzi]

"cooked out"? How was your swim? Was it great to get back in the pool?
How are you?

[Strugglingmum]

Sorry should have been conked out....darned autocorrect!!
I'm ok. I've been swimming 3 times since it opened on Friday and back today. I'm slowly building my stamina back up.
Last night was the first night I slept fairly well in a while so that was good

[Suzi]

Slowly? That's every other day so far!
How are your thoughts?

[Paula]

A good night sleep is positive! Obviously your body is enjoying the swimming. How’s your head though?

[Strugglingmum]

My thought....hmmm?

You know when you're just ok but you're having to work extra hard to be ok but if you stopped working hard at it you wouldn't be ok? That's where I am.

[Stella180]

I'm familiar with that. You're only ok because you are making yourself ok.

[Suzi]

Yup I know that too... Will you talk to us about everything? Then it might help?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm a little paranoid, having to stop myself overthinking every glance, every voice inflection etc. My mantra, it's not all about me.

[Suzi]

Ahh, Marc's been talking me out of overthinking stuff. My head has been running away with me...

What things are you struggling with? What things are you paranoid about and what's "not all about you"?

[Strugglingmum]

Joke of the day

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To hide their butt quacks!!!

[Angie]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

Hazel and I laughed at that one!

[Strugglingmum]

I have been completely exhausted today.
I was supposed to go to the training centre but I'm moving through treacle today. I went back to bed after taking Io to work, got up took C to work and have done very little all morning. I have a zoom class with the recovery college this afternoon. Thankfully it's only 1.5hrs.

[Paula]

I empathise today....

[Angie]

(bear)

[Strugglingmum]

I had to leave the recovery college class. The voice of one of the trainers was grating on me and I swear she spoke 85% of the time.
How do I know I'm not actually doing that great?
I'm so easily irritated and peeved off is a classic sign.

[Suzi]

I sympathise. When do you see someone in your care team next?
Do you want to talk to us about things?

[Strugglingmum]

I have an appointment with my psychologist on Monday.
I honestly am not sure why I feel the way I do. I just know I'm not doing great. I do think there is a physical element though.

[Paula]

Is swimming not helping you atm?

[Suzi]

In what way physical?

[Strugglingmum]

Is swimming not helping you atm?

The swimming is helpful. Its wonderful to be back. X

In what way physical?

I do think that my stomach problems have me run down physically which in turn is probably affecting me mentally.

[Angie]

Sweetheart if your stomach has been playing up for a while it might be worth speaking to your doctor about it x

[Strugglingmum]

I've had a telephone consult with one of our GP this morning.
She said that definitely the levels of my meds will be affected after this amount of time. I've to get bloods etc done next week.

[Angie]

I'm glad that you spoke to your doctor sweetie, please look after you x

[Paula]

Well done for callin g your doctor. Can you rest up this weekend?

[Strugglingmum]

Having my 2nd jab tomorrow and A and I are going to look at a van! Will we buy? I dont know. Exciting times

[Angie]

Sounds like some fun is planned after your jab x

[Suzi]

Well done for talking to your Dr lovely. Glad you're going to be investigated hunni.

What kind of van? Normal van? Caravan? Campervan?

[Paula]

Morning, hunni, what times your jab? Happy van hunting!

[Suzi]

Hey love, how did the vaccination go?

[Strugglingmum]

I am fully vaccinated. It was busy but well organised. The whole process from queuing etc took about 50mins.

We did not purchase any vehicles today but we are still on the lookout. It's a van to convert to camper. We just haven't seen the right thing yet but we will. We are not in a hurry.

Io went shopping with her best friend today and really enjoyed herself. I love seeing her go out and do girly things and enjoy life in spite of her anxiety issues. She came back laden with bags and still loves showing off her goodies that she bought.
Its feet up for me tonight. Between crowds at the vaccination centre and then at Asda as I did the shopping, I'm tired.

[Stella180]

What sort of conversation are you looking to do? What van are wanting to start with?

[Strugglingmum]

We are thinking prob a Ford transit lwb.
A worked in van conversions yrs ago so he is quite happy with the work.

[Stella180]

Sounds like a plan. Hope you find a solid base to start from.

[Suzi]

That sounds so cool!

Well done Io! I love it when Hazel and Fern go out and come back and show me everything too!

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like a plan. Hope you find a solid base to start from.

That's the plan

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

Hey huni
Actually I'm feeling a little flu-y today. Aches all over.
I did manage a short walk on the beach though

[Paula]

Vaccine fluey?

[Strugglingmum]

Yup I think so, although I never normally have reactions to vaccines

[Suzi]

Can you take paracetamol and lots of fluid love? Maybe some rest?

[Strugglingmum]

Thankful to say yesterdays aches and pains have gone. Feeling better today. Was obviously a reaction to the vaccine but hey at least I am now all done.

[Suzi]

So glad you're feeling better today. What are you planning today? Doing something positive for you?

[Butterfly]

Glad that you're feeling better today and are done and well with the vaccine. Hope this week is a bright one for you xx

[Strugglingmum]

I've had psychology appt (that's positive I think)
Been tidying for the cleaner coming.
I have a zoom class this afternoon too.

[Angie]

Sounds like a busy day sweetie, can you find something nice for you later xx

[Paula]

Are you able to take some time to process psychology?

[OldMike]

I've had psychology appt (that's positive I think)
Been tidying for the cleaner coming.
I have a zoom class this afternoon too.

Cleaning before the cleaner comes now that's the way to go, I'd let the cleaner plough through all the stuff littering the house but then I'm an untidy sod lets call the house lived in (giggle)

[Strugglingmum]

Lol. I have her specifically to do my floors and bathrooms. I need to tidy so she can find the floors!!

I'll have a nice cuppa and feet up later after my zoom class. I'm looking forward to it so I'm hoping that will be something nice for me too.

[Suzi]

How did psychology go love?
What were you doing in your zoom class?

[Strugglingmum]

Psychology was cut short today as I wasnt feeling up to too much as I'd had a flashback about half an hour before hand so I was still reeling a bit.
My zoom class is with the recovery college....Building resilience. Its CBT based but I always think any chance for a reminder of what I can do to help is good. I may already know the steps but a reminder to actually do them all is good

[Suzi]

Oh hunni (bear) (panda) Do you know what caused the flashback today?
Glad you're using the recovery college to help - you're totally right, doing it again sometimes makes things stick more.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Butterfly]

So sorry about the flashback! Hoping today is brighter for you xx Well done for doing the zoom class with the recovery college! As you said, a reminder of what you can do is always good and they're there to help.

[Suzi]

Hey gorgeous, how are you doing today? What are you up to?

[Strugglingmum]

I've actually just sat down. I've been on the go since 6:30 so I'm having a cuppa and feet up. I've just made the most delicious smelling pot of soup so I'm looking forward to lunchtime. I think it may be crochet until then.
A's mum was taken to hospital last night with chest pain but because the hospital was so busy she was outside the hospital in the ambulance for hours. I'm waiting to hear from A as to how she is this morning. There is still no visiting etc in our emergency departments so it's hard to sit and wait not knowing what is happening. Hopefully she will be ok.

[Paula]

Oh no :(

[Angie]

Oh sweetheart I hope there is some news soon and its good news, I am glad that your resting though as sounds like a busy and stressful morning for you x

[Stella180]

Scary times. I hope she will be ok.

[Suzi]

Oh love I'm so sorry... Any news?

[Strugglingmum]

She is home. Bad angina attack as opposed to an actual heart attack. Due to the no bed situation she signed herself out and GP is really good and will review meds etc.
Tbh she is better at home where the boys can call and see her rather than on her own fretting in hospital

[Suzi]

So glad that she's home and being looked after by those around her. So glad that it was "just" an angina attack.
How are you doing today?

[Angie]

I'm glad that she is home, she will be more relaxed there and it is easier for everyone to visit, and am glad the gp will be helpful sweetie x

[Paula]

What a relief. How are you? (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

I'm ok. I am more settled that I know A is not so stressed.
I've another busy day tomorrow.
I'm up, take Io to work. Home get brekkie, take C to the barber, drop him home and then to the surgery for blood tests. Home lunch, take C to college and then I have a pastoral meet up with my minister, hoping to fit in a swim, home, dinner and then take Io to the foodbank she volunteers at.
Tonight is definitely a feet up night!!

[Stella180]

Don’t forget to breathe in between.

[Suzi]

How on earth are you fitting in a swim as well? Blimey love, are you trying to do too much?

[OldMike]

Wow you're so busy SMum you deserve to put your feet up, hope you got your swim in as I know how much you enjoy swimming.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how did you sleep?

[Strugglingmum]

Hey all. I'm halfway through my busy day but I'm ok and on schedule so far.
Just about to meet with my Pastor for a chat and then a swim after.

[Paula]

Have fun :)

[Stella180]

Sounds like you’ll need a swim to unwind.

[Suzi]

How did the chat go? Did you get to your swim?

[Strugglingmum]

It's been a busy kind of week.
It was A's birthday yesterday and he went away for the day to Scotland to play golf. I honestly really missed him so much. Sometimes it scares me just how dependant I have become on him.
Anyway, I'm getting on with things. I've a pile of ironing done and A took me to the local garden centre to get some more potting compost. This afternoon I'm going to pot up some seedlings and get some more seeds germinating.

A and I are 25 yrs married this September so today I booked us a night at a cookery school to do Malaysian street food. It's a bit expensive so a real treat for our anniversary. You do a cookery lesson and then sit down and eat with the class. It should be good fun.
We've been wanting to do one for a while but knew it was a bit expensive so kept putting it off.......I've bit the bullet and we are going!

[Stella180]

He must be a good one to put up with for 25 yrs. with him a belated happy birthday for me

[Suzi]

Missing him doesn't mean you're dependent, just that you are so strong together.. I have similar feelings re Marc...
That's such a cool thing to do for your anniversary! 25 years is fabulous!

Happy belated birthday to him for yesterday!

How is your mood? Thoughts?

[Strugglingmum]

My mood is ok. I'm coping ok.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely. That's great to hear.

[Strugglingmum]

Io went out for her friends birthday last night.
Yea my daughter went out socialising....and then phoned and said, is it ok if I stay over?
She had a brilliant night. I'm over the moon.
She said, mum youd be so proud, I talked to everyone and really enjoyed myself.
I actually could cry I'm so proud of her and pleased for her.

[Suzi]

Oh wow that's amazing! Well done Io!

[Flo]

Absolutely well done Io!xx

[Paula]

You should be proud of her! She’s awesome! Just like her mum :)

[Strugglingmum]

I've had a lovely day. Online church, a swim, shopping done and Io came to help me with it. The sun is shining and I feel relaxed.

[Butterfly]

That's amazing news from your daughter - you can be really proud! (nod) Glad you had a good day today as well, sounds like some amazing things to do (nod)

[Suzi]

Sounds like a great day. How are you feeling today? Have you had any rest?

[Strugglingmum]

I finished the day well with a freshly baked chocolate cake which we ate fairly fresh from the oven. The frosting was near melting the cake was still so warm.....it was so so good!!
Cake was very much a needed treat tonight in my house.

[Suzi]

Sounds delicious!

[Butterfly]

Yummy, that sounds amazing! A treat is always important and choclate cake is so delicious (inlove)

[Flo]

There is nothing like chocolate cake to put a smile on everyone's faces.......oh gizza bit!!!(blush)

[Paula]

Yummmmm! How is Io this morning?

[Suzi]

Morning love, what's on your agenda today?

[Strugglingmum]

Io is talking. She was up late talking to her brother who only got in from work at midnight. She is ok, away to work.
I'm a bit tired this morning but I'm not giving in to going back to bed (I have to take C to work anyway)
When I get back from taking C to work I'm going to take Katie to the beach. Then I want to plant some potatoes. My cleaner comes this afternoon and I have a zoom class too. I'll see what the form is like this evening....could be a quiet one all round.

[Suzi]

Sounds like another busy day for you! Hope it goes well...

[Strugglingmum]

So in my renewed attempt to seize the day, do new things, step out of my comfort zone, have fun, create memories etc etc, I have signed up to do a sponsored paddle board event. I'm looking forward to it..... the challenge might be just actually standing up on the thing but I've always wanted to have a go and I'm being brave, stepping out.... and hopefully raising money for a local mental health charity

[Suzi]

That sounds so much fun!

[Stella180]

Oh wow that sounds cool

[Paula]

Wow!!

[Flo]

A brilliant thing to do! Well done.

[Strugglingmum]

Had a good sleep this morning and a lovely swim this afternoon. Home showered, hair washed and dried and I'm feeling a bit more human.

My son's girlfriend arrived with a lovely parcel of cake, sweetie, brownies and a card for Io. So so thoughtful to support her through this tough time. I told C, she's a keeper!!

[Suzi]

Aww that's so lovely!!!

So glad that you've been able to do what you need to do to help yourself.... I'm really proud of you lovely.

You know we're happy to listen if you want to talk at all....

[Strugglingmum]

Been a busy day and weekend. Catch up with you all tomorrow hopefully.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how was your weekend? How's the paddle board training going?

[Paula]

How are you doing, love?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm doing ok. I'm at the centre 2 mornings a week, doing 3 zoom classes a week so I have plenty to amuse me.
We had visitors on Sunday and I baked for them coming. It was lovely to do something so normal.
Io has her driving test this week so we are also trying to fit in plenty of practice. My head is in an ok place which is good too. I'm being very aware of boundaries and building in relaxing time to. I'm doing good atm.

[Suzi]

That's an amazing post! So pleased for you!

[Strugglingmum]

Yesterday ended up busy and a bit crappy with lots of hanging about. (Please God let Io pass her driving test this week)
I was up early this morning and took Io to work...an hour and quarter round trip.
I've been pottering about the house doing wee jobs since but now I'm going to sit and crochet for an hour or 2. I've to take C to college later and I'm having a nice long swim to make up for yesterday's quick 20 unsatisfying lengths.
I need to just relax and cuddle with Katie who missed me like crazy yesterday and I came in last night and went straight to bed so she can cuddle in this morning while I crochet.

[Paula]

There’s nothing like puppy cuddles to put the world to rights :)

[Stella180]

Oh yeah nothing beats puppy cuddles.

[OldMike]

I've just worked out Katie is a doggie (aren't I slow) nothing like cuddles with your fav pet.

[Suzi]

Puppy hugs are so important!

[Strugglingmum]

I'm giving myself a morning off. I was supposed to go to the centre but I'm feeling drained and just need to be at home.
I'm going to cancel my swim too. I need time and space today and hopefully a bit of peace and quiet although both boys are at home this morning! A tool Io to work this morning to let me just rest and relax.

[Suzi]

I'm really, really glad you're listening to your mind and body and allowing yourself the time and space to give you what you need...
How are your moods? Flashbacks? Are you getting any sleep?

[Strugglingmum]

I have done the bare minimum of cooking and cleaning today, although I have got in a lot of crochet and a short walk with Katie.
Isn't it amazing how much energy anxiety uses up!!
I have a busy day tomorrow again but hopefully after Saturday I can totally relax and just chill.