Sunshine after the rain

[Flo]

If knitting is lazy then I'm the laziest woman on the planet. I'm the same...feel guilty about everything but know I shouldn't...it's a hard monkey to shift! My mum could never sit down and it usually resulted in an argument with dad. Ian loves it when I relax. Funnily enough I was talking to a lady in the village and I said that I feel guilty if I don't walk every day and she said to me: "Guilt is a useless commodity Jenny, you shouldn't feel guilty over anything!" Wonder if that's why she always has a smile on her face? (giggle)

[Strugglingmum]

I love that. Guilt is a useless commodity.

[Paula]

How are you feeling today?

[Suzi]

Guilt is a wasted emotion, but one we all deal with every single day of our lives....

[Flo]

Guilt is a wasted emotion, but one we all deal with every single day of our lives....

Sadly that's true....it's a difficult one.

[Strugglingmum]

Been a bit busy today. Tidied this morning. Went for a swim this afternoon and then did the shopping.
Also been trying to catch up on the reading I had to do for my psychologist for tomorrow's appointment. Its actually alot of stuff I have been thinking about recently. It all make sense, I just hope she can help me apply it.

[Paula]

What times the appointment?

[Strugglingmum]

9am. Its how I start my week!! Lol

[Suzi]

That's a good way to start the week...

[Flo]

I'll be thinking of you this morning love! I'm sure it'll be productive.xx

[Paula]

Thinking of you (panda)

[Mira]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Hope the appointment goes well lovely x

[Angie]

Hope it goes well this morning hunni x

[Strugglingmum]

It was hard work. I feel really punctured and tearful. But I think it was productive, we'll see. Wish one of you were here to give me a hug.
Knit and natter later then a swim.

[Angie]

Wish we could be there to but sending virtual hugs (bear)(panda)

[Suzi]

Oh my love, I wish I was there to give you the hugest hug and let you cry on my shoulder. I'm so proud of you for doing this. I know it's so hard, but you are so strong.

[Paula]

https://images.app.goo.gl/UjgYiFnjL7dG57K29

[Flo]

A big hug from me too sweetheart.....well done.(bear)(bear)

[Suzi]

How are you love?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm feeling tired.
I feel like I have a lot to think through and process. Things are jumping about and it feels like some things are trying to jump into place. I feel very overwhelmed.
I feel like I need to thing it all out and process my thoughts while it's all fresh but i feel too tired to do it now but I'm scared that if i dont do it now i might lose some of it.

I have also indulged in a lot of comfort food which has annoyed me too. Silly isn't it. But I'm starting to understand where some of those thoughts might be coming from.

[Mira]

(panda)(bear)

[Stella180]

Oh the joy of therapy. I know exactly what you mean. It’s so hard to get everything in order when so much “important” stuff is running rampant in your mind. It takes so much out of you and don’t feel like you have to mental or physical energy to deal with it. I recommend trying to take it easy tonight cos none of it is really going anywhere.

[Suzi]

It really is tough. You really are amazing. I'm so proud of you. Can you be kind to you tonight and tomorrow? What about talking things over with A?

[Strugglingmum]

Had a good talk with A last night about things so it did help both of us.
Been a busy day again.
Took Io to work then went back to bed for a while. Got up, took my son to work and went for a swim. Came home, had lunch then did my zoom festive crafts class. Today we did card making. I've made a few and it did spark my interest to do a few more. Made dinner and now feet up for a while. Hopefully A will go to sleep and I will be able to work on his jumper for Christmas.

[Angie]

Sounds like a busy but good day hunni x

[Paula]

I’m really relieved you spoke to A, well done love

[Suzi]

Well done for talking to A. Did it help?
Why are you taking the kids to work? I thought they had cars? Might have been me misunderstanding of course :)

[magie06]

I love card making. You can make them as plain or complicated as you like. It sounds like a very productive day.

[Strugglingmum]

Io has bought a car but hasn't got her test yet. There have been no tests since lockdown. When they did open them up again they were only for those who were deemed essential workers so she cant get one yet. My eldest drives and has a car but C doesn't drive. He wants to learn but again, driving instructors aren't working full capacity here yet.... in fact not at all at the moment.
So mums taxi is in great use.

[magie06]

They released numbers of people waiting on a test here today and they said that there are 70,000 people waiting on a test. We only have a population of just over 5 million, so I think it's dreadful for all those waiting.

[Mira]

Its suprising how different countries do things different with regards with what we can do and can not do. Here they are working at full capacity. All the driving schools. And in the first wave all the hairdressers had to close and in the way worse second wave they are open.

Sounds like you had a good day. I am always happy when I see you are doing ok.

[Suzi]

Io has bought a car but hasn't got her test yet. There have been no tests since lockdown. When they did open them up again they were only for those who were deemed essential workers so she cant get one yet. My eldest drives and has a car but C doesn't drive. He wants to learn but again, driving instructors aren't working full capacity here yet.... in fact not at all at the moment.
So mums taxi is in great use.

Ahh, that explains it! Thanks... Poor Mum though!

[Strugglingmum]

Another busy day. Up at 6 to get Io to work, came home and went back to bed at 7:30. Slept again till 9:30. Had a zoom class this morning and then went for a swim. Did 100 lengths today. Had a bit of time to kill until io finished work and then we came home, made dinner. Now have feet up and am not moving again tonight.
My lovely Katie is happily snuggled up with me. Might manage a bit of knitting but I'm not sure if I can be bothered. My head has been whirring all day trying to process thoughts so I'm a bit tired.

[Stella180]

So rest up tonight. Knitting will still be there tomorrow.

[Flo]

A hundred lengths?!!!!....what are you on? Cos I want some! Give your brain a rest and chill out tonight.

[Mira]

Seems to me that you deserve a rest. You are doing so well.

[Stella180]

A hundred lengths?!!!!....what are you on? Cos I want some!

Me too. I don’t think I’ve managed a total of 100 lengths in my life never mind a single session.

[Suzi]

100 lengths? Is that a good idea pushing yourself that much? Have you been eating and drinking properly? Hunni, are you pushing that much almost as a way of punishing yourself?

[Strugglingmum]

I love swimming. It brings me peace. The longer I swim the longer the period of peace. It silences my thoughts for a while.
Anyway, I've done nothing all night only watched a bit of telly. I'm heading to bed soon as I have to be up at 6am to take Io to work.
I'm eating ok. I haven't lost any weight in few weeks so that's good.
I'm not swimming tomorrow.

[Suzi]

Can I ask, how long did it take to swim those 100 lengths?

How are you this morning lovely? What's on today's agenda?

[Strugglingmum]

It took me about 80/85 mins to do 100 lengths .
I was up earlier and got Io to work. I went back to bed for a while. I'm now up, dressed, fed and taking my son to work then onto my NVQ class. I've a couple of things to get then I'm coming home and will either knit, clean, watch telly, craft or something. To be decided later(think)

[Mira]

Its good not to make rigid plans some days. You can always have a look how you feel and do it then.

Wow the swimming always amazes me. I like to swim but I never go. Eventhough I have a sea nearby and a swimming pool in the village.

[Strugglingmum]

I live by the sea Mira but I'm not tempted to go in.....far too cold!! I like my heated, clean calm water leisure centre pool(rofl)

[Suzi]

Sounds like a busy day! I think the idea of knitting and tv are good ones! :)

[Flo]

Me too....I'm thinking of doing the same!!

[Strugglingmum]

I've really struggled today so dinner is from the freezer. I just cant be bothered. They dont get processed food very often so I'm trying not to feel guilty about it.

I did my class this morning, came home and tidied a bit. I got a bit of knitting done on As jumper. Nearly have the back finished.
Might do a bit of gift sorting this evening to try and get a Christmas feel.

[Suzi]

Dinner from the freezer isn't bad love. Be kind to you....

[Stella180]

I’ve just this minute finished a microwave meal for my dinner. Beef stroganoff a la ding.

[Strugglingmum]

Just finished a lovely swim and waiting for my daughter to finish work, then home.
It's one of my sons birthday today, he is 20. We are getting a chinese takeaway for dinner so no cooking. Hurrah!!
I'm a bit gutted. We are entering a stricter lockdown next Friday and the swimming pool is closing. It's supposed to be for 2 weeks but there is talk it might not open again after Christmas. I know there are worse things happen to people than a swimming pool closing but I'm trying not to stress about how I'll cope without my swim.
Hair salons, non- licensed restaurants etc opened today after 5 weeks closed. They have to close next Friday again for 2 weeks. Honestly, I've always been embarrassed by the politics in my country but the clowns are really excelling themselves at the minute. They keep talking about closing now to save everyone's Christmas but how are they gonna fund the NHS in January when cases rocket after all the Christmas partying and contact? I would rather keep everything low-key and have some stability.

[Stella180]

I heard we would get a “reward” with relaxed rulings for Christmas. I don’t think the virus celebrates the birth of Christ so will be having a great time spreading amongst all of the party people.

[Suzi]

Happy birthday to your son!
I heard about the tighter restrictions you have coming in, and I have to agree I think that the politicians on both sides of the water are bl**dy useless! Boris has no idea at all... Following the science? My arse!

What other options do you have rather than the pool?

[Strugglingmum]

Yoga or walking/running. It's not just the exercise, although moving my body really helps me, it's the other sensory things that swimming gives me. I'll think of something.

Io just got the most gorgeous bunch of flowers from her boyfriend. They are so cute.

[Paula]

Awwww

[Strugglingmum]

I have eaten so much Chinese food I think I might explode .
At least my boy enjoyed his birthday dinner.
Going to lie on the sofa for the rest of the night and complain about my sore guts!! (doh) ....... I do this every time I eat chinese.....you'd think i would learn (giggle)

[Mira]

I have the same with Chinese, love it.

[Suzi]

I LOVE Chinese food.... Fern doesn't :(

So glad you had a good time lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I love certain chinese food but not a fan in general. Love prawn toast!

[Strugglingmum]

Up and away to get my hair done.
Hairdressers opened yesterday after 5 weeks closed. They have to close again at end of business next Thursday bless them!! Everywhere is closing up here next Thursday other than essential shops so the shops are mad, I'm staying well away. I hate shopping at best of times.
Have a lovely Saturday everyone.

[Paula]

Oooo happy hair day!

[Suzi]

Enjoy getting your hair done! :)

[Mira]

I am curious how the hair day is going? I hope you have a good time out.

[Strugglingmum]

My hair feels fab.
I've been growing out my short pixie cut since first lockdown so it is nearly nearly into a Bob, just a bit more to go. Roots are covered and I have that lovely smooth professional finish which I never achieve!
I've been a bit lazy since!!

[Mira]

Thats awsome. Is the bob with a pony or longer hair all around? And being a bit lazy is allowed. Its the weekend :)

[Strugglingmum]

Its growing down to be same length all round. I may cut a fringe into it when it's all completely down, not sure yet.

[Mira]

Ok, I like that idea a lot. I love the look of a bob haircut. But not so much a fan of shorter bangs. So I am sure I would like how your hair is looking. I did my own hair today with clippers so there is not much left. My long hair days are long gone :)

[Strugglingmum]

I do my husband's with the clippers. Number 2 all over.

[Mira]

Mine is number two as well. Though the beard is longer. I am growing out my mustache and it almost covers both my lips now.

[Suzi]

My husband has no hair. He lost everything at 16 thanks to Alopecia Universalis. No internal or external hair...

[Stella180]

I’d shave my head for charity. Need to raise at least £300 though to make it worthwhile

[Flo]

My hair is very thick and right now it's doing exactly as it likes! I'm afraid I'm the 'Wash hair, shake like a wet dog and go out' type...my son is going thin on top so he's going abroad in March for a hair transplant! Rather him than me!

[Strugglingmum]

Wow. That's supposed to be very painful Flo. Rather him than me too!!

[Suzi]

Morning SM, how are you today? You doing anything nice?

[Strugglingmum]

Good afternoon all. I had a bit of a live-in as found it hard to get a bit of motivation. Finally got up and fed and spent almost 2hrs with my fur baby on the beach. Bright but cold. Was a lovely morning and I do feel better for it.
Not sure what I'm up to the rest of the day..... but I need some lunch now.

[Paula]

I am slightly jealous that you live by the sea - that’s my happy place :) Sounds like a lovely morning

[Suzi]

Stunning photos! I love the beach too.... I miss it so much!

[Strugglingmum]

I'm very blessed. I live on a peninsula so I have a sea lough 10 mins walk in one direction and the Irish sea 2.5 miles in the opposite direction and am surrounded by pure countryside.

[Suzi]

Sounds lovely!

[Strugglingmum]

Morning everyone. A bit greyer here today.
I have a psychology appointment at 9am, knit and natter later in the day and a swim booked for after.
I have had a week of really poor motivation, like not wanting to do anything. I need to try fix it so I'm going back to writing my goals for the day,
What I need to do
What I want to do for me
What that would make me feel better about my surroundings.
One for each category. Only problem is I feel there are lots for the 'need to do' but food shopping is taking the lead for that one!

[Suzi]

The goal writing really seemed to help last time you did it, so that sounds like a positive for you already today. Well done for being proactive.

Sounds like you've a good day planned... but will you try not to push yourself too hard in swimming?

[Paula]

Can I suggest there should be more in each of the second 2 categories than the first? Or is that too much?

[Flo]

Sounds like a plan SM. I lack motivation at this time of year. I'm sure it's because of it getting dark early...I think the animal in us wants to hibernate! I have to force myself to walk which I don't have to do in the summer. But I always feel better afterwards. I think it's great that you swim every day..you're amazing!

[OldMike]

I agree Flo it is so easy to doze on the sofa during these short dark days, where's my get up and go I think it got up and went.

[Strugglingmum]

Phew. Been a busy day and getting ready to run out again.
Io is getting her hair cut at 8:15 and I'm going to run do the shopping while she is in. All the hair salons etc are open late every night trying to get everyone fitted in before lockdown hits again on Friday.
I really need to food shop so saves running to the town for just 1 thing.
Between psychology, knitting group, swim and cooking dinner it's been a day. Psychology again has left me with lots to think about and process.

[Paula]

Want to talk about it?

[Strugglingmum]

Want to talk about it?

I'll probably have a ramble after I've thought some more

[Suzi]

As and when you are ready love...

[Mira]

Yes I agree with Suzi. If its tomorrow or in a few weeks. I hope you will share it with us. But if not thats ok too.

And everything you did today would leave me tired without the psychologie. So I hope you gave yourself some love tonight.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

Another day just running about. Up and got Io to work. Back to bed for another hours sleep. Up, fed, took Cal to work, finished the shopping (bits and pieces I couldn't get last night cause the shelves were empty), went swimming, home, lunch, zoom craft class.
I'm heading out again to pick Io up from work and take her to get her dads Christmas pressie before the shops shut down on Friday. I feel like I'm going to meet myself coming back these days. In the middle of it all my CPN phoned to let me know she was discharging me as 'she no longer is of therapeutic use'.
My psychiatrist will still be involved and of course my psychologist.
Hope everyone is doing ok. Sorry I haven't been around much past few days. It's just been a bit mad.

[Stella180]

Wow! You really are running about like a blue-arsed fly. That in itself must be stressful enough. How do you feel about the discharge?

[Flo]

Yep, you're a busy girl ok...just don't burn yourself out! I miss not going crizzy shopping now that the kids are parents themselves. Used to love shopping with them..it put some Christmas spirit in me....which is now much depleted....I'm a Grade A Grinch now!(rofl)

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Strugglingmum]

So I'm home. Io got what she wanted for her dad. It's a joint present from the 3 of them so at least it's got.
I'm tired. We phoned A when we were coming through the town and told him to put the dinner on so I'm just waiting on it being ready.
I haven't really had time to think or process anything from psychology yesterday. Feeling the need for time to hibernate a bit and work things out but dont know when I'll get the chance.

[Suzi]

Will you get time tomorrow love? Can you make time?

[Strugglingmum]

Tomorrow is pretty busy too and Thursday.
Friday should be better. X

[Suzi]

Hunni, can you make time?

[Strugglingmum]

I've come to bed. Going to try sleep and recharge. How is it only Tuesday??? (think)

[Suzi]

Morning lovely, how are you today? Did you get any sleep? Is there anything you can put off so you can focus on processing the stuff from psychology?

[Paula]

(panda). Suzi’s right, hunni, you need to make time to deal with psychology....

[Strugglingmum]

Morning all. I did sleep a bit. Only woke 2/3 times and I went back and got another half hour after I took Io to work.
I'm up, soup made, Irish stew in the slow cooker for dinner, GF loaf and muffins in the oven. Sitting having a cuppa and a bite to eat catching up with you lovely guys.
I have a festive cookery zoom class at 11:30 , then taking Cal to college and going for a swim. Will wait in the town and bring Io home from work then I am free all evening. Io is due to help in out food bank but A says he will take her and Cal's girlfriend is bringing him home from college tonight.
I intend to light the fire, watch telly, knit and relax.

[Suzi]

You've done so much already! lol
Are you going to be kind to yourself with the swimming?
Glad you've got a more restful time later planned!

[Stella180]

Rest? sounds like a busy enough day already.

[Flo]

Oh! that's all is it??(rofl)....yeh..can't beat the old fire bit. It cheers me up no end. Have something to ask you. Were you ever a competition swimmer...you know, on a swimming team at school, or swimming Galas? My dad taught me to swim but he swam like a brick!! My daughter swam for her school and both of her kids are good swimmers...both learnt at about 3 years old. I expect your brood are good swimmers too. I love the way you're so committed to it.

[OldMike]

Irish stew mmmm tasty, wow you certainly enjoy your swimming.

[Strugglingmum]

Flo actually no!!
I mean I learnt to swim when I was young but never really enjoyed it.
I started swimming just over a year ago and have gradually built up my lengths. I think the relief it gives my head is where the commitment comes from. I mean I love the exercise too but it's what it does for my head that is the real reason I've kept it up.
None of my kids can swim. Believe me they had lessons galore but nope, no swimmers. I took them to the pool from they were tiny.
At primary school at prize giving when all the rest of their class were getting their distance badges, every year without fail mine got 'Sean's special award for effort'.
Sean was the swimming teacher and couldn't understand a whole family of kids that couldnt swim(rofl)

[OldMike]

My dad and sister could swim but me and mum couldn't I wonder if swimming ability is inherited, well that's my excuse (giggle)

[Stella180]

I learned to swim and have swimming badges from when I was a kid but I never enjoyed it and I’m certainly not a graceful swimmer but I can just about keep myself from drowning.

[Suzi]

I used to love swimming. I still do actually when I can get myself to do it (need a kick up the a*se lol)

How are you doing love? Did you manage some time out to process psychology?

[Strugglingmum]

I've just sat down after dinner. Can't be bothered lighting the fire so coccooned in my blanket (although tbf I'd still be in my blanket even if the fire was lit).
I'm tired. I just want to veg tonight. I dont think my brain has any processing capability this evening. The dog is curled into me and I just want to think of nothing but rubbish telly. Will lift the knitting needles though and get a bit more done. X

[Stella180]

That sounds like the perfect evening. Snuggled under a blanket with the pooch and some brain dead tv.

[Suzi]

Resting sounds like exactly what you need right now.
Can you pace tomorrow?

[Mira]

That sounds like a good plan. I hope you are kind to yourself and enjoying the time. The dog wil see it as great quality time. And the dog is right :)

[Strugglingmum]

Tomorrow I have my NVQ class and then a swim booked. My last swim for at least 2 weeks due to lockdown.
probably a bit of running about with the kids too.

[Suzi]

Hunni, when are you getting time to process what happened in psych? Are you swimming every day? Are you eating and drinking properly?

[Strugglingmum]

Didn't sleep great last night. NVQ class today and then a swim.
I'm feeling a bit flat and exhausted today and my head is busy.
I feel like I need to stop the world and get off. Roll on the weekend.

[Suzi]

Hope you get some rest today love....

[Strugglingmum]

Had a lovely swim today. My last for at least 2 weeks in our lockdown. I thought I was going to get a lovely sit down and Christmas movie but had to go pick Io up from work.
Now I need to cook and I cant be bothered. I'm not even hungry which makes it worse. Going to check the freezer to see if there is anything that would do.

I'm beginning to regret all those years of making our evening meal a family affair that we all sit down at the table for. I'm thinking it would be easier if they all just sorted themselves out. I dont really mean that I guess...... I'm just whinging

[Paula]

Do they cook for you?

[Suzi]

You aren't whinging. As we speak Hazel and Fern are in the kitchen together (there's been no screams so far!) and they are cooking dinner tonight as I don't feel up to it ;) Could they not cook for you love?

[Strugglingmum]

Thankfully only 3 of us so sausage beans and chips for A, Io had chips and cheesy beans, I had a bit of leftover pie and chips. Yip the chip pan got a bashing tonight.
I actually dont really mind cooking, its trying to think what to cook is the killer

[Suzi]

That sounds like a fab tea! I miss having a fryer. I keep being tempted by the air fryers, but each time I save up for one something else comes along....

[Strugglingmum]

A very lazy evening with a bit of knitting thrown in and a cuddly dog. Quietish day tomorrow.

[Paula]

Good, make the most of the rest

[Suzi]

I hope today is quiet and so you can rest and pace a bit too...

[Strugglingmum]

Good morning.
I got Io out this morning and went back to bed. I didn't surface again till near 10am. I feel better rested. Have to take my son to work but after that I'm fairly free. May have to pick Io up from work later but planning to take everything fairly easy. May do some wrapping and Christmas sorting this afternoon

[Suzi]

I'm glad you're planning on resting a bit love.

[Strugglingmum]

Did a load of sorting and wrapping this afternoon. It has helped me see what I have, what I still need to get and helped to sort things in my head a bit.

[Stella180]

Yep the wrapping process helps me get organised too.

[Paula]

There’s no Christmas job I like less than present wrapping. I’ve been doing some this afternoon and I’m grumpy

[Suzi]

I normally end up doing it on one day and it's hell. This year I'm doing it bit by bit! :)

[Mira]

I see everyone is wrapping presents, here we have not even asked what we are going to do for Christmas. Let alone sort the gifts.

[Strugglingmum]

I did a good lot of it today.
I have more of it to do. At least now I have an idea of what I still need to get. I need to get Io something but I've the boys sorted. The wider family will just have to take what they get

[Suzi]

We've said that we are only gifting to our children, anyone else might get something...

[Strugglingmum]

I see everyone is wrapping presents, here we have not even asked what we are going to do for Christmas. Let alone sort the gifts.

Our shops are closed for 2 weeks now so there will be no shopping for a while. I need to do it little at a time to spread the cost over a few months.

[Suzi]

How are you today love? What's on your agenda?

[Strugglingmum]

This morning I have been deep cleaning the lounge ready for decorating next week. Io and my eldest have helped moving furniture etc.
Just the final hoover to do and that's it done.

[Suzi]

That doesn't sound like pacing to me lol

[Strugglingmum]

I'll not tell you I just did all the ironing too then.
Of course I sweetened the job by watching
Christmas Chronicles 2 on Netflix while I did it. :)

[Suzi]

OO is it good?

[Strugglingmum]

I enjoyed it and it certainly passed the time quickly.

A and Io had gone to the town for a bit of shopping. They came back just before I finished. We had a cuppa together and then I went to sleep for a couple of hours. I'd been awake since 6am so I had hit a wall. When I woke up A had made tea. What a treat!! Feet up this evening until I need to pick my son up.

[Suzi]

Hoorah for A making tea!

[Mira]

That must have been a lovely surprise :)

How is today going for you?

[Suzi]

What are you up to today?

[Paula]

Hello, lovely! Have you sat down today?

[Strugglingmum]

Today is a bit of a tough one, however I sat for a few hours making Christmas cards. I was supposed to be tidying the craft room which I did a bit before starting. Its distracting, helps me be a bit creative and I need some cards to send. Also uses up some of the craft stash.

I'm a bit tired and low.
A just realises I'm low and works away quietly in the background tidying the kitchen washing pots etc. Its so good of him but then I feel guilty that he is having to do it.

[Paula]

You’re a partnership, a team. That’s what marriage is. When you’re struggling, it’s his responsibility to step up and vice versa, and no one should feel resentment, because you do it out of love for each other

[Strugglingmum]

I know.......its just my head.
He loves me dearly and would do anything for me, my head just likes to twist everything to make sure I feel rubbish...because that's what I deserve...... in my head.

[Suzi]

Erm, it's a partnership. Marc went out to do the shopping earlier, walked in to find me sitting on the sofa and I apologised and said "I haven't just been sat on my ar*e" and he said that he didn't care if I had! We are together and when he's feeling bad I do things he can't and visa versa. I bet if you told him what you've told us I bet he'd say the same.

Do you know why you're having a low day?

[Strugglingmum]

I know it's just me and my guilt issues.

I dont know, maybe just one of those days. I haven't been sleeping well so it doesn't help.
Psychology tomorrow morning too.

[Mira]

I know how those guild issues can be. The one thing I like is that you can see with me when its not needed. Like you said earlier that I did not need punishment. And I can see it with you.

I hope you can give yourself a break. In the last 2 posts you said the same thing: I know its just my ......

That makes it seem like you are saying it in a trivial way. And nothing about you is trivial. And even if we know what we are thinking and feeling is not accurate. Like the guilt. Its still how you feel. And feelings have an effect if they are right or wrong, intense or mild.

You are ok (panda)

(going to stop now, feel like i am making no sense)

[Suzi]

Guilt is a bugger. It's also not something that's going away for a while... Although I find it easier to work with "recharging" rather than being lazy? That's a huge step forwards if you can....
Hunni have you had chance to process what came up in psychology last week before you do this weeks? Could that be why you aren't sleeping?

[Strugglingmum]

Thank you Mira. You are so wise.

I have taken it as far on my own as I can Suzi.
There is so much and my head is running all over the place so yes could well be why sleep isn't great.

[Paula]

Hey, love, how are you? What’s planned for today?

[Suzi]

Hey love, hope psychology goes well love...

[Strugglingmum]

Doh!!!! Waiting for my psychologist to phone and then realised it was Tuesday this week, not Monday.

Little jobs planned for today.
I'm skipping knit and natter group and staying home. I have to take Katie to the vet later and just cant be bothered driving up and done twice.
There's no point going up the road if I can't swim.

[Paula]

What’s up with Katie?

[Strugglingmum]

What’s up with Katie?

Just needs her nails clipped and a wee check up. She's a bit off her food. She seems interested in food but soon stops eating. I'm wondering if it could be dental.

[Suzi]

Hope it's not dental, last one of ours who had that had a massive bill - not what you need just before Christmas!
Are you being kind to you today?

[Strugglingmum]

Tbh I think she is just being a fussy beggar but she has lost a bit of weight so best to get it checked.

I have taken some stuff to the dump, got dinner in the slow cooker and a pot of soup on.
I'm not going to knit and natter group but I am going to sit down and knit for a couple of hours. I need to do some work on A's jumper.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you're going to sit! You're always so busy!

[Flo]

Wish I was getting on as well as you with the cardi I'm knitting...Ian took Fluff puss to vet yesterday. She's old and her teeth aren't great. Vet looked in her mouth and gave her the once over...5 minutes £45! In Scotland 4 yrs ago she had 3 teeth out under anaesthetic...something in the region of £200+!! but we're a nation of pet lovers and we love her to bits and wouldn't let her suffer. Good that you're getting some chilling time in. Good girl.

[Paula]

How was Katie’s check up?

[Strugglingmum]

Morning all.
Katie got her lovely manicure done and apparently was a very good girl. Clean bill of health so as I guessed, just being a fussy eater. Didn't stop her raiding the kitchen bin overnight!

Just waiting for psychology appointment and then I think Katie and I will head to the beach for a walk. I want to make time to relax and process after my session this week.

We had a gorgeous sunrise this morning. Its bitter cold but bright and dry. I think a good stomp about will do me good. I'm really missing my swim.

[Suzi]

Hoorah for a manicure and a clean bill of health!
I'm so glad you're making time to process your session today. I'm wondering if that was part of what caused more struggling last week itms?
I'm sorry you're missing your swim. Is there anything else you could do? What about swimming in the sea? Wetsuit? Lol

[Paula]

I’m so glad you’re prioritising space after your session. And heading to the beach sounds perfect :)

[Mira]

Sounds like a great idea, the weather is the same here. I bet the beach would be great. The wind and cold can have a good impact. I hope the appointment goes well.

[Suzi]

How are you doing love?

[Strugglingmum]

Had a very peaceful time at the beach with the dog. We walked for ages and calmed my head a bit.
Spent the rest of the day pottering quietly and just doing some stuff at home.

[Mira]

I am glad you had a peaceful time at the beach. Thats what the beach is for. And I hope you are kind to yourself.

[Paula]

Sounds heavenly :)

[Suzi]

It really does!

[Strugglingmum]

2nd load of washing in and a zoom class and I've hit saturation point for the day.
I'm retreating to the sofa with my blanket to try and gather myself together to cook dinner later.
I phoned A to go pick Io up from work this evening...... I just dont have it in me. I need to go out at some point to get a bag of frozen chips because even sausage and chips feels beyond me right now.
Going to try a cup of tea and a Christmas movie.

[Paula]

Sounds like a good plan to me (panda)

[Suzi]

I'm glad you're listening to your body love.

[Strugglingmum]

It was confirmed last night that our current lockdown should end as planned next Thursday midnight.
I have my first swim booked for Friday already.
A is taking Tuesday off work so we can go somewhere for a walk together and take a flask of tea etc. Just to try lift my mood a bit.

[Angie]

Aww bless him taking the day off how about a picnic if you can find somewhere that would give you shelter if needs be. x

[Paula]

(party)

[Suzi]

That's lovely of him!

[OldMike]

That's good and I know how you enjoy your swimming.

[Strugglingmum]

I think this is our first year ever that A has had to be the one to say, it's time to put the decs up. I'm normally jumping to get them up asap.
However, it's taken me all day but the house is Christmasfied.

[Suzi]

Woohoo for Christmasfication!

[Mira]

Thats great, and how are you doing today?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm doing ok thanks Mira. Plodding on.

[Paula]

What are you up to today?

[Suzi]

That sounds more like dragging.... You don't sound at all happy....

[Mira]

Yes, it does not sound all that good.

[Strugglingmum]

I hit the beach this morning with the dog. A and Io came too. It was sunny but cold, perfect for walking.
I'm ok. The past month or so has been very tough mentally, I guess sometimes it just spills over.
So what's everyone up to today? I have to bath the dog, anyone want to swap?

[Knowle]

Good for you in getting out for some fresh air - exercise is so beneficial for your mental health as well as other numerous health benefits. Your dog will love you for taking it out for a walk.

I am sorry to hear the last month has been tough for you mentally - I hope this coming month is better.

[Stella180]

I am unfortunate enough to have had the opportunity of bathing a German Shepherd and it’s not a one man job. I hope you have help

[Strugglingmum]

Jobs done, she is very good. I use the shower, so much easier on her and me. She loves getting a blow-dry too.
Now I just need to clean the shower!! :@

[Stella180]

Well done. My Max was a 40kg wuss who hated bath time. Sounds like your girl is much better behaved. I used to end up wetter than the dog lol

[Jaquaia]

We went into Beverley so the kids could get Christmas cards. J had to explain to A about how it wasn't appropriate to get me a card saying "To my sexy wife" (rofl)

[Strugglingmum]

We went into Beverley so the kids could get Christmas cards. J had to explain to A about how it wasn't appropriate to get me a card saying "To my sexy wife" (rofl)

(rofl)
love it. Not his year anyway;)

[Suzi]

When we last did ours we did them in the wet room with Marc "showering them" and yet both of us were soaking wet too!

[Jaquaia]

Oh it was A who wanted to get that from her! She just saw the unicorn! Apparently the woman in the shop found it hilarious!

[Strugglingmum]

That's brilliant!! Hopefully she found another unicorn alternative (giggle)

[Paula]

Greyhounds hardly ever need a bath, thankfully. Partly because their legs are so long all mud and gunk misses them ;)

[Strugglingmum]

Morning all.
Psychology appointment over for another week. Have arranged a face to face for next week to do some intense work.
Its bright and sunny here but cold. Definitely hat and gloves weather.
Knit and natter group today. I need a kick up the bum to get some stuff done first. I couldn't believe when the alarm went this morning it was morning time.
I'm glad A gave me the kick to put the decs up over the weekend. It does put a bit of cheer round the place

[Suzi]

How did the appointment go?
Are you going to have time to stop and process it?

[Strugglingmum]

It was ok. I'm working on it but I'm tired now.
I had a bad flashback this afternoon and its dropped my mood a bit but I'm with my lovely family now so it will ok.

[Paula]

So, pace day tomorrow? I know you’re a busy person, and that helps you normally, but maybe you can do things that only focus on making you feel good tomorrow?

[Strugglingmum]

Tomorrow A is taking the day off to take me out for a walk and picnic somewhere so yes a bit of care and relaxing after sorting the kids out

[Suzi]

Are you OK? Flashbacks are horrible... I'm glad A is taking the day off to do something lovely with you.

[Strugglingmum]

Flashbacks are part of every day life for me. I hate it and it sucks all the life out of me but I have to get on with it. I especially hate when it happens in front of people, you have the trauma of the flashback plus the embarrassment of having it. But I am getting more used to it and coping better after them.

[Paula]

You’re awesome :)

[Mira]

I am glad you are with your family now and how lovely of A to do that. Having them behind you is a great thing. I hope you are feeling a bit better now (panda)

[Suzi]

Flashbacks are part of every day life for me. I hate it and it sucks all the life out of me but I have to get on with it. I especially hate when it happens in front of people, you have the trauma of the flashback plus the embarrassment of having it. But I am getting more used to it and coping better after them.
I've been there.... It's horrible, but it does get better....

[Strugglingmum]

I feel in an absolute pit tonight and I have no idea why. I came to bed but no sleep and no sign of any being near. Even the dog couldn't lift my mood tonight.

[Stella180]

I hate that. At least if you have a reason you can find a way out of it. You much feel as if puppy cuddles don’t fix it.

[Mira]

(panda)

[Paula]

Did you get any sleep? Are you ok?

[Strugglingmum]

I did get some sleep but I had a nightmare and I've woken up with a bad headache. A brought me a cuppa and painkillers to bed before he went out bless him. I'm still in bed, head is easing but I have no motivation to move. I feel anxious, aggitated and feel like I want to cry, but cant. I dont know what is wrong with me. Sun is shining, I should be up and moving, I have so much to do and I'm lying here like a big useless lump hiding from the world.

[Paula]

Nope. You’re taking a duvet day because you need it and you’re listening to your body. The chores can wait

[Angie]

Agree with Paula hunni,

[Jaquaia]

Yep! She's right. What about an easy day on the sofa with some knitting and Christmas films?

[Suzi]

Nightmares are awful and can really affect you for days after. Especially bad ones. Be kind to you. If that's staying in bed a little while, then do so.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm up. I've tidied the kitchen and hoovered the floors. Big son is mopping the hall and kitchen for me now.
I've got a sandwich and a glass of water so fed and watered too.

[Stella180]

You’re doing a lot better than me today.

[Flo]

Glad you're up and running. There's nothing worse than trying to sleep....the more you try the worse it is! That was me the other night. Came downstairs at insomnia o'clock and made a mug of hot choc and stared into space for half an hour then got back to bed...think I got 4 hours in total which I suppose isn't that bad but I can't function that well then like you have a headache. Hope you feel a bit better now sweetie. Don't forget the blankie and and the ubiquitous christmas movies!...I think I've seen all of them. The fake snow irritates the wotnot out of me! Then they soak the pavements so it looks like the snow has melted...yawwnnn....I've got two recorded so maybe I haven't seen them...bet I have though!:s

[Suzi]

How are you doing love?

[Strugglingmum]

I couldn't settle to a movie today. I have literally sat wrapped in a cocoon and done nothing all afternoon. What a waste.
A is going to get a takeaway for tea as I can't be bothered cooking and it's just him and me. Will try some knitting later if i can. Sorry for being a wet blanket today

[Paula]

You’re not! And it really is ok to have a day recharging, especially as you’re always so busy. You know you’d say it to any one of us....

[Suzi]

Definitely not a wet blanket and definitely not a waste. Sometimes it's what you need to do...

[Strugglingmum]

Finally managed to pick up the knitting needles just before midnight. It has helped calm my thoughts a bit. Hopefully I can get a bit of sleep now.

[Jaquaia]

You were up really late. Hope you manage some sleep (panda)

[Flo]

You're up early Jaq.....there must be something in the water!

[Jaquaia]

J is on days so been awake since his alarm went off at half 5

[Strugglingmum]

You were up really late. Hope you manage some sleep (panda)

Thanks, I got a few hours. Actually contemplating that I'm going to have to frog most of what I knit last night. Will check how it looks in the cold light of day. This is why I stopped knitting when I first took ill, too many mistakes ..

[Flo]

J is on days so been awake since his alarm went off at half 5Ahhhh...no lie in for you then..


Thanks, I got a few hours. Actually contemplating that I'm going to have to frog most of what I knit last night. Will check how it looks in the cold light of day. This is why I stopped knitting when I first took ill, too many mistakes .. Glad you got a few hours sleep....now I feel guilty because you're knitting and I'm not. I'd better get mine out too! Have a better day.

[Suzi]

Have you had to frog? I hate it when that happens...

What's on your agenda today?

[Paula]

Frog?

[Stella180]

Undo all your previous work Paula.

[Paula]

Ah, thanks

[Strugglingmum]

Have you had to frog? I hate it when that happens...

What's on your agenda today?

Didn't have to frog thankfully.
So far I've done nothing. There is torrential rain here. I have a swim booked but dont think I'll go.

[Suzi]

Why go swimming if you can just stand outside and get wet? (rofl) (rofl)

Hooray for no frogging!

[Strugglingmum]

The rain stopped so I went swimming.

[Suzi]

Did it help?

[Strugglingmum]

Um a little bit. X

[Suzi]

I'm worried about you.... Are you talking to A about how you are feeling?

[Paula]

Only a little bit? That’s not like you ....

[Strugglingmum]

Just had a 2hr nap. I really needed some nightmare free sleep.
Yes A and I are talking. We have a lot on our plates at the moment.
Just had to order a new fridge. 12 sleeps before Christmas and I have to get a new fridge ffs.

[Suzi]

Oh no! I hate it when things like that happen... Do you want to talk about what's going on?

[Strugglingmum]

Oh no! I hate it when things like that happen... Do you want to talk about what's going on?

Tbh it's a lot of different stuff which is just very overwhelming for me at the moment.

My PTSD symptoms are really bad at the moment and I'm exhausted but not sleeping great. Hyper vigilance has me jumpy and anxious and it's all a vicious circle with nightmares and flashbacks.
Finances this year with A being on reduced pay for months is taking its toll on things.
Stuff going on in the kids lives which means they are looking for a lot of tea and sympathy which is draining my already empty cup but they are my kids and I want them to come to me but I'm ashamed to say, quite often my heart sinks as they approach.
Its Christmas and it's not a good time for me and the list just seems to go on and just listing it all sends my anxiety soaring.

[Suzi]

Are you talking to A and telling him how you are feeling?

PTSD - Are you able to use techniques and safe coping strategies? Are you talking to your psychologist about it? Hypervigilance sucks. I know those symptoms from Marc and I know ho debilitating it can be. Can you bring things in closer for a little while to help combat those thoughts?

Finances - Are you OK for essentials? Do you need to do things like call utility companies etc and arrange payment plans for example? Need foodbanks?

Kids - What's going on? Anything we can help with you unburdening a bit? I know it helps me to get other's to share the load or look at things differently...

Christmas - I know there have been issues in the past, but lovely can you try to build new happier traditions at home this year with just you and yours? Covid is something positive in that respect....

[Flo]

We're all here to support you in any way we can. With regard to utilities....if you give them a ring and explain that things are a bit difficult
financially at the moment they'll work with you and like suzi says they'll arrange a plan. It's when people ignore the bills that they get shirty. In my last marriage my husband was a crofter and we got into terrible difficulties at one stage but the oil/electric/council tax etc., was sorted with a phonecall to each company. As for the children, it's proof that you are great parents when they come to you with a problem, but it really can be draining on mental resources. My son is 39 and it seems that the only time he rings for a chat is when he needs 'an ear'. I'm like a bloody therapist! But I'd be hurt if I felt he couldn't come to me. My daughter of 43 rings when she's had a fall out with her partner...I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it!! She can't tell her best friend because she's Zoe's partner's sister! So I get an earful instead!(rofl) As mums we're psychologists, nurses, head cook and bottle washer, laundramat, agony aunt, and last but not least, the pillars that hold the family together....we're bloody amazing! BUT, you sound as if you have a really supportive and loving family which is probably down to you and your hubby, so it's ok to take time out for you. It's ok to have a wobble..we're entitled to wobble....we're spiritual beings trying to be human and it's hard at times.(panda)

[Strugglingmum]

I love that Flo, thank you.x

[Flo]

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all have a cuddle? xx

[Flo]

How are you feeling sweetheart?

[Suzi]

I was wondering the same thing.... How are things love?