View Full Version : Sunshine after the rain
Strugglingmum
17-12-20, 08:49 PM
I'm ok thanks.
Not sure I believe you....
Are you really OK? Or are you "I'm fining?"
Strugglingmum
17-12-20, 10:01 PM
Probably a bit of both to be honest. I'm tired. Think I'll head to bed soon. It's been a long day and I just need to cocoon for a while.
That's fair enough... Much love hunni... Here when you're ready x
How are you doing this morning?
Strugglingmum
18-12-20, 02:19 PM
I'm okish. Thanks for asking. I've been for a swim and did a couple of errands. My house is a tip, I really need to sort it this weekend. Our new fridge is arriving tomorrow so no more black tea/coffee.(party)
A and I are hoping to attend a socially distanced carol service tomorrow night. I haven't been to church since lockdown so I'm anxious about it, not Covid, just being there. I'm hoping it will lift my spirits a bit and maybe instill some Christmas cheer. I'm hoping it will be nice to see some familiar faces and hopefully be able to say hello to some folk.
Erm, I hope when you say ‘I’ really need to sort it you mean, ‘all of you’ need to sort it?
Carol service sounds great and, if it’s a struggle, you can always leave....
I love a good Carol service! I hope it's wonderful for you, but as Paula says, if it's too much then leave...
I also hope it means that others will be helping you sort the house. I'm dragging my kids to help me with mine too ;)
Stella180
18-12-20, 06:27 PM
Hey Suzi, when your kids are done with your house do you wanna send them up to help with mine? Lol
magie06
18-12-20, 07:22 PM
Even Ais has helped tidy my house up today.
Strugglingmum
18-12-20, 07:57 PM
Yes I will have some help to tidy up. But tonight the feet are up and I'm knitting....although I will be glad to see the back of this jumper!!
I bought some yarn today (because I'm down to just a few crateloads):P to see me through our 6 week lockdown
Woohoo I love squishy shopping!
I’m doing a blanket with the most enormous knitting needles! It’s coming on really quickly (rofl)
Jaquaia
18-12-20, 10:21 PM
I wish the one I did had! I thought it was never going to end! New mummy loved it though!
Hellooooo! how's the jumper coming along? BTW..really glad you're back swimming and enjoying it.
Strugglingmum
19-12-20, 01:51 PM
How are you love?
I'm doing ok. Busy tidying. New fridge arrived 2 hours earlier than what Currys had said so wasnt ready for it but sure better to have it early than late.
Hellooooo! how's the jumper coming along? BTW..really glad you're back swimming and enjoying it.
Sick looking at the jumper but cautiously optimistic that it may be finished on time if I keep at it as much as I can.
Not swimming today but will be swimming every day till Christmas Eve as we enter 6 weeks lockdown on boxing day so everywhere closed, I'll have to find another outlet.
I know what you mean about being sick of looking at the knitting, but it sounds as if you're nearing the last hurdle...I've been 'looking' at my knitting for days.....just looking..yawwnnn! do you like drawing?
Are we going to get a picture of the jumper?
What else could you do rather than swimming? Wetsuit and the sea? (rofl) (rofl)
Strugglingmum
19-12-20, 10:30 PM
(rofl) I actually have a wetsuit but the sea ain't happening at this time of year......remember I'm much further north than you!
Talking about the sea...talking to Zoe on the phone yesterday and when she took the dog for a walk on the beach - NW Highlands! - there was a woman in the sea with a bikini on and just a swimming hat! Not for me....yes SM a pic of the sweater!
Strugglingmum
20-12-20, 07:08 AM
We were able to attend a Carol service last night. First time I've been in church since March.
It was lovely to hear all the carols and see a few familiar faces. My anxiety was through the roof but I managed to stay for the hour.
That’s awesome! Well done, lovely :)
Well done love! Did you feel a bit more reconnected with your Church?
Strugglingmum
21-12-20, 10:07 AM
Well done love! Did you feel a bit more reconnected with your Church?
It was nice to be there with everyone.
Yesterday I met up with my siblings and exchanged gifts. We met up in a forest park and each brought a cuppa and had a chat. My sister was very upset about the new lockdown etc and we all felt really guilty that she is bubbled on her own with father etc. I ended up inviting her down for a couple of hours on Christmas eve to be with us. I went for a swim after, came home, cooked dinner and fell asleep, I was completely exhausted.
Had my last psychology appointment this morning for a couple of weeks. Busy day ahead out running errands but fitting in a swim too.
Sounds busy! How do you feel about your sister coming to yours?
How was the psychology? Do you have crisis support over Christmas if you need it?
Strugglingmum
21-12-20, 04:45 PM
Psychology today was fine. It was more just touching base before the holidays.
I've been and done the shopping bar a couple of fresh things I can get locally Christmas eve.
I dont plan on doing too much more, although I have a huge pile of ironing.......
Earlier I put on a load of washing. Managed to put the detergent in the softener compartment and the softener in the detergent drawer. I started it anyway....I couldnt even begin to fathom how to swap them over. Guess what, the clothes are clean, and it's our little secret why they aren't as soft as they could be. ;)
My head is just not up to power today at all, well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
Sounds like you're being really busy. Ignore the ironing. Are you giving yourself time to process what you've been doing in psychology and how you are feeling?
I'm glad you got to see your siblings and go to the carol service..something different to concentrate on besides your therapy - yes, that's important too but it is exhausting and you have a lot going on in your lovely head at the moment. One word in your post I had to look up though.....what's 'ironing'??....I'm not familiar with that word!(giggle)....Hey, try and get in some chill time today sweetheart.xx
Hey love, how are you today?
Strugglingmum
22-12-20, 09:52 AM
A sent me to bed last night at 9:30 as I was dozing on the sofa. I slept through till after 5am.
So I have the huge pile of ironing done and now I'm going to cook and bake. I'm still a bit tired but after queuing for Asda yesterday and doing the shopping I think it's more mental than physical itms.
I'm definitely feeling a bit more in the holiday mood now all the difficult stuff is over and I can just enjoy A and the kids. Watched Elf last night with Io after tea and it was nice to laugh with her...........still that damn jumper to finish though!!!
Jaquaia
22-12-20, 10:59 AM
We watched Elf too!
Strugglingmum
22-12-20, 02:16 PM
Decided to book a last minute swim for today.
This morning I have done the ironing...the pile was huge!
I've made soup, crustless quiche, baked shortbread and a batch of brownies.
I deserve a swim I think.....oh and also racked up a few more rows off the jumper!
Wow you've been so busy! Can you pace this afternoon?
Your recipes sounds scrummy
Hope your resting now xx
Strugglingmum
22-12-20, 07:06 PM
Feet up and getting the knitting going
Stella180
22-12-20, 09:16 PM
How is the jumper coming along?
Strugglingmum
22-12-20, 10:41 PM
Pleased to say 'the damn jumper' just needs sewn up and the neckband knit. Should be done in time if I get a run at it.
Stella180
22-12-20, 10:48 PM
You timed it perfectly then. Just have an image of A standing at the wardrobe wondering what to where and you saying “why don’t you wear that damn jumper” :P
The 'knitathon' finish is in sight....he's a lucky guy!
Strugglingmum
23-12-20, 07:59 AM
You timed it perfectly then. Just have an image of A standing at the wardrobe wondering what to where and you saying “why don’t you wear that damn jumper” :P
(rofl) you've seen what goes on in our bedroom then!!
(rofl) How are you feeling today love?
Strugglingmum
23-12-20, 12:36 PM
I'm grand.
Got the neckband half done before I had to bring C to work. Had to fly round Tesco's for some last minute stuff. Waiting on my swim slot, my last swim for at least 6 weeks, then nipping to see a chum whose time has finished at the training centre. Taking her some home baked stuff and just to day hi cause she was really upset to have to leave so just want to cheer her up a bit. She lives alone. Home for teatime hopefully.
Stella180
23-12-20, 12:51 PM
Awww, that’s a kind thing to do for your friend. I’m sure they will love your baked treats.
You're so kind lovely! Enjoy your swim!
Awww... that's a lovely thought. She'll love home baking. Hope you enjoyed your swim.xx
Strugglingmum
23-12-20, 06:43 PM
I think I'm going to die. A mouse just ran across the living room floor. I'm terrified, home alone with 2 sleeping animals that dont care. I'm frozen to the seat. My daughter and husband are laughing down the phone at me.
Spiders I can do, mice i hate. ;(
OMG! I feel for you! Are they coming back to rescue you?
Strugglingmum
23-12-20, 07:05 PM
Dan has come home. He saw it but has lost it again. At least the animals are awake now
Stella180
23-12-20, 07:34 PM
I remember getting an emergency call from a friend why needed rescuing from a mouse a few years ago. That was a fun experience.
Oh no! Have you found it? Got a humane trap?
Strugglingmum
23-12-20, 10:50 PM
No not found it but A is now home. I swear it smells my fear.
My MIL is petrified of them. Some peanut butter in a humane trap and take it far away!!!
Stella180
24-12-20, 01:13 AM
Yep anything sweet will get them into the trap. Chocolate is a good one for getting their attention.
Has the ‘m’ been rehomed?
How are you love? Moved out into a hotel yet?
Strugglingmum
24-12-20, 02:02 PM
The unwanted guest has been removed!!!!!!
Early morning run to the shop for traps and run C to the town for work.
This morning has been busy.
Baked sponge for trifle and trifle made.
Steaming the syrup sponge pudding as we speak
Pastry made for mince pies, stuffing made.
Now just need to clean and tidy... oh and get a shower or Santa might not want to come in to our house.
I also need an hour of peace to finish sewing up TDJ.(rofl)
Omg you've done SOOOO much! Glad the unwanted guest has gone!
You sound like your employing Edward Scissorhands!!......wish I was having sponge pud!....Hmmm....I wonder...*thinks sponge puds*....
anyway sweetheart, if we don't talk again tonight, have a lovely Christmas day and enjoy your family.xx
Strugglingmum
24-12-20, 05:51 PM
3 inches left to sew up of the jumper and it's done.
All the baking done, the house is as clean as it needs to be and I'm clean.
Happy Christmas everyone, whatever it looks like.
Its different for us all this year, it may not be what we want it to be but please be kind to yourselves, if you are on your own....spoil yourself, you are worth it, we all are.
We all have a worth in this world and none of you forget that.
Every single one of you have written something on this forum that has helped me, encouraged me, made me laugh or kept me safe. You are needed and wanted no matter what your head says over the next few days.
Huge hugs and much love to all. Xxx
A very happy Christmas to you too xx
Thank you SM, and happy Christmas
Sending very much love from my household to yours. Merry Christmas lovely.
Jaquaia
24-12-20, 07:54 PM
A very happy Christmas to you and yours (panda)
Strugglingmum
25-12-20, 06:47 PM
How's everyone 's day going.
I'm just awake from a food coma. 5 mile walk with Katie before dinner, had dinner, tidied up and went unconscious.....that's what I get for being awake at 6am.
Hope all your day's are passing ok. If it's been tough, remember it's just another day, tomorrow is coming and you're almost through it. I have found I enjoy Christmas so much better since I learnt that it doesn't have to be perfect and neither do I.
I was up at 5am, God only knows why ....
Jaquaia
25-12-20, 10:08 PM
Excitement over Santa? ;)
Still adjusting to the mask ;)
Strugglingmum
26-12-20, 10:07 AM
Morning everyone. Have a nice boxing day.
Lockdown from today for 6 weeks here. Hoping to take it easy today but go for a walk at some point too.....that's if Katie has recovered from yesterday's.
Also going to lift the crochet hook, it's been so long since I did any crochet.....I've been too busy knitting TDJ. (giggle)
Jaquaia
26-12-20, 10:33 AM
But was it worth the effort?
But was it worth the effort?
Yeap..
What do you find easier, SM? what do you prefer? Knitting or crochet?
Bet he was blown away by TDJ!
You are so right about not needing to be perfect for Christmas, means you enjoy it so much more!
Jaquaia
26-12-20, 12:20 PM
Being perfect is overrated. It just means a lot of unnecessary stress.
Strugglingmum
26-12-20, 09:34 PM
So A loves his jumper. The fit is pretty good.
I like both knitting and crochet but like to have a bit of both on the go so I can choose. Obviously I haven't been able to choose for a while so looking forward to a bit of crochet.
I slept a couple of hours this afternoon too. Feeling ridiculously lazy but in a good restful way, not a beat myself up way.
Woohoo! So glad that he loved it! Well done on getting the fit right!
I'm proud of you for not beating yourself up love. I'm proud you put your needs first and went for a nap.
You deserve to chill out after knitting the jumper...glad he loved it. It was well worth the time and effort. X
OldMike
27-12-20, 10:09 AM
Woo hoo a freshly knitted jumper what could be better :)
Jaquaia
27-12-20, 10:56 AM
The big question is have you told him the name of the jumper? (giggle)
Strugglingmum
27-12-20, 12:08 PM
Today I'm fighting the slump a bit.
I did church online, Io has gone out to church so I think the plan is for her and I to take Katie to the beach this afternoon for a walk. Hopefully some fresh air will help give me a lift. Also need the exercise to burn off some of the crazy
Sorry you're struggling today. Going for a walk on the beach sounds like a perfect idea. (bear) (bear)
Strugglingmum
27-12-20, 02:57 PM
Had a lovely cold breezy walk on the beach. Lots of people out walking but very easy to be far far apart. Definitely gave me a wee lift. X
The cobwebs blown away? Well done for going, lovely :)
Well done for getting out and about lovely.
Strugglingmum
27-12-20, 06:23 PM
Bit of a story......
Before I took ill 5 years ago I had started knitting myself a very intricate Aran sweater. It had so many cables and twists and weaves in it but I loved the look of it and the pattern was probably the most complicated Aran I had attempted. Each row needed carefully counted, stitches woven or moved, added or decreased. Anyone who knits gets the idea. Approx 20 minutes to complete one row.
When I took ill it got tucked away, I couldnt concentrate long enough to complete a row, I was scared of messing it up by making mistakes. It lay in a cupboard until a few months ago. I had lost any confidence in myself to be able to do it.
It needed the front finished, the sleeves knit, the neckband knit and all sewn up. I looked at it for a few days, trying to gather up a bit of confidence to start again. I looked at it and cried in fear and frustration at how much of me I had lost in the past years of illness. I was scared of even trying.
BUT a friend sat with me one day at knit and natter group. I took it out of the bag, looked at it, looked at the pattern, tucked it away again and went on with another project.
The next week at knit and natter again with a little encouragement I took it out of the bag and started to knit.
Today folks I sewed up the last seam. It is finished. Today I cried. I cried with pride, I cried because even though I was scared I still did it. I cried because there is a tiny mistake in the sleeve that only I know is there....and I'm ok about it. It's not perfect and I'm ok with that.
I have changed so much in the past years of illness but I am starting to fight back. I am starting to find parts of who I was but I'm also learning to leave behind the bits of me that were harmful and made life so much harder than it needs to be.
Today started with me in a real slump. I'm now exhausted but I am so proud of achieving something today. I have finished many sweaters in my life of knitting and crochet but there is none that has been so sweet or made me so proud as this one.
OMG that's SO awesome. I'm in tears!! I'm so proud of you! Can we see pics?
Jaquaia
27-12-20, 06:53 PM
Would love to see pics!
Strugglingmum
27-12-20, 07:04 PM
I dont have a place to share the photos from.
I think I may have an old Insta account, I'll see if I can get back into it and share from there.
That'd be cool, unless you're sharing it on FB and you can share it with us from there?
WOW! That’s an incredible post! :):):)
Wow sweetheart, what an achievement!! You have every right to be proud of yourself. You may have lost some of the old parts of you due to illness, but because of the illness you'll have found new parts of you with incredible inner strength and confidence to deal with everything that each day brings. This is the ironic part of our illness. We come out the other side different people with different views on life. If we can battle depression we can see our way through virtually anything! Well done you!(nod)
Strugglingmum
28-12-20, 03:45 PM
A bit of a slump today.
Strugglingmum
28-12-20, 04:36 PM
I've had a lot of flashbacks, I want to swim them away but cant. 1st world problem, I know.
I'm still in my dressing gown and have done nothing all day so I know I'm not helping myself either.
Going to try pick up my crochet hook if I can.
Hoping to climb a mountain tomorrow
I read something in this post that made me sad. That is where you said 1st world problem. I feel you are bringing the value it has on you down and not just that but also yourself.
I believe that its awesome that you have found something that can help you. And in so many ways. The way I have gotten to know you I would open up a whole pool just for you if I had that ability. First world problem? You are so kind to others. Never selfish and always give your best.
The whole world is better with having you in it. I mean this.
Couldn’t agree with Mira more
I agree, he is right!
Sweetheart, are certain things triggering the flashbacks or the time of year or something different?
Strugglingmum
28-12-20, 07:39 PM
Thanks Mira. You are always so kind.
I've picked up my crochet hook so that is helping.
I'm also going hiking tomorrow. We are climbing Slieve Donard. Lots of fresh air and exercise (legs will be killing me)
I'm going with my daughter and my eldest son. It's a while since we hiked together..... lockdown is good for something.
Exercise is so beneficial for the mind and fresh air is also very good for you - good for you for planning something so beneficial. Spending time with your daughter and son also sounds good.
Don't feel too bad for not doing much today - when you are down even getting dressed can seem too overwhelming.
Take care of yourself xx
That sounds like lots of fun tomorrow! Are you taking a picnic and something to take photos with?
Sounds like my idea of hell (too many holidays in the Lake District as a teenager) but I’m sure you’ll love it ;). Have fun, lovely
Strugglingmum
29-12-20, 09:22 AM
Off to climb a mountain
Stella180
29-12-20, 09:27 AM
Normal Tuesday morning activity. Can’t wait to see your Fab 5s this week lol
Hope you're enjoying hiking! :)
I hope you have a lovely time today.
Strugglingmum
29-12-20, 05:22 PM
Had a lovely day. It was cold and snow on top third of the mountain but worse was the ice on the way up. Really slippy. Also a cutting wind. The weather closed in on us before the last ridge so no views from the top but walking in a cloud is the most bizarre experience.
I'm really not doing a good job of selling this to you (giggle) but honestly I really enjoyed getting out and hiking, especially with my son and daughter.
Home, hot shower, jammies on and ordering some food in I think.
Stella180
29-12-20, 05:40 PM
Walking in the clouds sounds wonderful.
Sounds magical except from the snow, and ice, and cold (rofl). Glad you had a good time :)
Glad you had a nice day at Everest base camp!!!!:(
Strugglingmum
30-12-20, 11:05 AM
My calves are screaming at me today but was so worth it for the day out yesterday.
I also got notification that my PIP has been renewed until 2023. A big weight off my mind!!
Stella180
30-12-20, 11:47 AM
That’s great news. I’ve got a few weeks to wait til I get news. I got a 5 year award last time but not feeling confident about my chances this time out.
So pleased for you! That's such a brilliant piece of news!
Jaquaia
30-12-20, 03:50 PM
Brilliant!!!
Strugglingmum
30-12-20, 07:18 PM
Thanks everyone. It has definitely helped ease some of the anxiety that has been bubbling away under the surface.
Have you had a good day love?
Strugglingmum
30-12-20, 11:49 PM
I've had a gentle day thanks. My leg muscles are protesting (loudly) after my hike yesterday. Going up and down stairs is...interesting(giggle)
Mostly laundry, some shopping and crochet.
Another quiet day today, then?
OldMike
31-12-20, 10:44 AM
I've had a gentle day thanks. My leg muscles are protesting (loudly) after my hike yesterday. Going up and down stairs is...interesting(giggle)
Mostly laundry, some shopping and crochet.
I get that most days my legs aren't as supple as they used to be, enjoy your crochet SMum.
Strugglingmum
31-12-20, 11:38 AM
Ironing pile completed! Need to run to the dump with some rubbish. Otherwise just some housework to do but rather slowly as my legs are still complaining. Might try some yoga later to stretch
Did you get to the yoga? Might be a good thing to put you first....
Strugglingmum
02-01-21, 06:16 PM
Was up early to take my son to work so ran into Asda for some fresh fruit and veg. Thankfully there were very few about at that time. Have done lots of wee jobs around the house but also put my feet up to crochet for a while. Have had a wee run of orders over the New Year which is brill. Took the decorations down as well. All down apart from the tree....that's tomorrow's job.
Planning a walk in the morning as I need to get my step count up and need some fresh air.
Are you trying to keep busy to stop thoughts that you are having? None of that sounds like doing anything FOR YOU....
Strugglingmum
02-01-21, 08:51 PM
It all needs done and getting it done helps me if you know what I mean.
Walking tomorrow is for me. I need to move and I need to breathe and relax. Io and I will take Katie to the beach and that is a happy place to be.
But yes you know me well, keeping busy is a way of coping for me.
Then cope with time to process things as you go love.
Its been a few days, how have you been?
I was wondering the same...
Strugglingmum
05-01-21, 07:27 PM
I'm doing ok thanks Mira and Suzi. Xxx
Just being wife and mum and trying to do me stuff too. Trying to get my head balanced without swimming is hard but I took my bike our today for the first time in ages. I didn't go far but it helped to be doing something.
You're so energetic SM...I love how you do all these activities. I haven't ridden a bike for yonks..mainly because my balance is rubbish these days and I can only turn right! If I turn left I fall off!!(rofl)....you must be fit as a flea.xxx
Well at least you’ll always end up where you started Flo (rofl)
What’s your head doing to you, love?
magie06
05-01-21, 07:50 PM
I would love to see a picture of your Aran. I love doing all those different stitches. I haven't done an Aran in years. I might get a few patterns out - when I've finished the 5ish projects I'm working on atm.
Your jumper is amazing! You're fantastic!!
Well done for taking the bike out. I know it's not the same, but it's good you're finding other ways to work on things...
Jaquaia
05-01-21, 09:18 PM
The jumper is stunning! Gorgeous jumper for a gorgeous lady!
Strugglingmum
05-01-21, 09:19 PM
You're so energetic SM...I love how you do all these activities. I haven't ridden a bike for yonks..mainly because my balance is rubbish these days and I can only turn right! If I turn left I fall off!!(rofl)....you must be fit as a flea.xxx
Hmmm..... if you'd seen me last week when I came off the mountain you would realise I'm not as fit as I'd like!! I definitely felt my age for a few days(rofl)
Well at least you’ll always end up where you started Flo (rofl)
What’s your head doing to you, love?
You know me, I just need to distract and keep busy not to be dragged under by the flashbacks. Being active helps to clear my head after them. I miss the soothing effect of the swimming pool and its showing in the amount and depth of the flashbacks.
I would love to see a picture of your Aran. I love doing all those different stitches. I haven't done an Aran in years. I might get a few patterns out - when I've finished the 5ish projects I'm working on atm.
It definitely keeps the mind busy. I'll have a go at sharing from social media if I can.
Your jumper is amazing! You're fantastic!!
Well done for taking the bike out. I know it's not the same, but it's good you're finding other ways to work on things...
Thank you. Just wearing it makes me feel a sense of achievement.
I have to try..... the alternative is not pretty.
I'm really proud of you. You're fighting so hard. That is so awesome.
Strugglingmum
05-01-21, 09:38 PM
The jumper is stunning! Gorgeous jumper for a gorgeous lady!
Thanks Jaq.
There are so many times I look at you for inspiration. The way I see it your name should be next to so many positive words in the Dictionary.
I know many of us here have trouble believing the super nice things people say. I am one of them. But I want to say them anyway.
If I had one wish it would be for all of us to have no mental health issues anymore and be at peace with ourselfs.
Knowing that I am still glad there are places like dwd where by sharing our struggles and our succes moments we have the ability to help and inspire. To motivate and comfort others by just being who we are.
That is what you are to me. And I want to thank you for that.
Thank you.
Where's the picture of the jumper??xx
Morning lovely, how are you today?
Strugglingmum
06-01-21, 11:01 AM
Thank you Mira. You are kindness itself. Whenever I think of you the word kindness is always attached.
I came back upstairs at 8am to do some yoga but lay down and went to sleep instead...not a great start to the day.
Need to find some motivation somewhere. I'm supposed to be online at 11:30 for a zoom class.
Hope the zoom class went well hunni...
Where's the picture of the jumper??xx
Facebook
Oh rhubarb!....don't go on facebook! I'll imagine it instead!
Strugglingmum
07-01-21, 07:28 AM
I'll share when I have my laptop on... cant do it from my phone. X
Morning lovely! How are you today?
Hi lovely lady...what's new? XX
Strugglingmum
07-01-21, 05:56 PM
I'm sorry I don't mean to be. Xx
I guess I dont really have much to say. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with day to day life so my brain is struggling to put together sentences that make sense. When I get like this I'm so worried of saying the wrong thing or saying something the wrong way that it's easier to say little.
I dont remember you ever saying something the wrong way or something wrong at all. But if that would happen we would know what was going on and you would be showered with cuddles and affection.
Do you want to talk about what you're feeling overwhelmed by?
Strugglingmum
07-01-21, 09:31 PM
Thanks Mira. You are so kind. I always worry about hurting someone's feelings by sounding short or not interested.
Awk Suzi it's just the usual. Living day to day with the flashbacks and the aftermath of having them and trying to live with them and not just suffer with them or just survive through them. I want to try build a life in spite of them because waiting for them to stop isn't happening. It sometimes just gets too much and my brain is overwhelmed.
I am always worried that people grow tired of me with always the same topics and worries. Eventhough I myself dont have that at all. And I dont think anyone here has that. I would like to hear more about what you are going through.
And when you say oh its just the usual I think you are down playing it. This is something that has a huge effect on you. And you are more then welcome to share it with us. And if not thats ok too. For everything there is a time and a place. And its all good. But Please be kind to yourself and dont say oh the usual. You as a person are so much more then that (panda)
I hope you know how incredibly strong you are to focus on living despite the flashbacks. Don’t ever underestimate that strength.
Are you able to work out if there are any triggers for them yet? For me it's been smells, or sounds which have been the biggest triggers or a certain phrase... Living with them is possible, you're proof of that but you really do need to talk love, it's the only way that it has worked for me. I'm so very proud of you, pushing through to live, rather than just exist...
Strugglingmum
08-01-21, 10:56 AM
I know some triggers. Some I avoid, some its impossible to avoid, others I have been working on desensitising from. At times it seems like there are no triggers...they just come.
I'm spending a lot of time in bed in the mornings reluctant to start the day. Bed is a safe place, I dont get them there. But I cant spend my life in bed so eventually I heave myself out again. I have to get up 6am to take Io to work but go back to bed when I come back.
However, I'm up now and just had breakfast. Going to take Katie for a walk soon and get my daily exercise.
I find the hypervigilence exhausting, wearing and mood destroying. I used to get relief from it when swimming but obviously that's not happening now.
Sorry, that all sounds negative which is why I dont post a lot about it.
I'm trying to look for positives. So. The sun is shining, I have a lovely furbaby who loves the beach as much as I do and is always ready to encourage me out!! (rofl)
I have boots, hat coat, gloves and 2 good legs to walk on.im blessed. X
That actually doesn’t sound negative because for every point you make, you’re telling us what you do to get past it. That’s massively hard but so important. You should be proud of yourself
Hypervigilance is exhausting. Marc used to have it all the time but his psychotherapist was Fing amazing and they worked through it... Her take on it was "and?" So she would ask Marc to talk about a scenario which was an issue for him and she said "and what happens?" He'd explain that his heart rate would increase, sweaty, stress, feel more anxious... "And?" He'd eventually get to the fact that he's passed out in Sainsbury's and they've called an ambulance... "And?" He asked what she meant - her response.. "Well, you didn't die did you?" That logical working through it started to make things easier for him and now whenever he's struggling I just say "Think of Ria.. And?" he can then start to think more logically - it's not easy and taken a LOT of practise, and I'm not suggesting that it's that straightforward. He had around a year of intensive therapy with her.. It helped him massively.
Strugglingmum
11-01-21, 10:12 AM
First psychology session of the year completed.
Now for some relax time and get some breakfast sorted.
Today is very cloudy and windy here, not really enticing me out!
Spent yesterday clearing, cleaning and reorganising some kitchen cupboards. Still have some to do. Might tackle one of those today. Selfishly would give anything for the swimming pool to be open right now.
However, I have a home, I have my family, I am blessed with good physical health, I have my lovely Katie and food in the fridge. Counting my blessings. X
How was psychology? Can you give you time to process what you've been working through?
Sounds like a good day so far. I was going to say the same as Suzi. And if you need time to let it sink in Please do. You are awesome (panda)
Well done! Snap, I've been doing cupboards too....it wasn't planned. I made the 6 small trays of flapjacks for the shop earlier to get them out of the way. I was taking the last of the trays out of the oven and I hit the work surface and it turned turtle! Slid down the bottom cupboards, washing machine, oven door and floor! The air was blue! as I cleared up I thought I might as well clean the inside of the cupboard..and so ad infinitum!!:s
Flo, that's horrible! All those flapjacks gone to waste, a complete tragedy!
Strugglingmum
11-01-21, 01:06 PM
RIP poor flapjacks!
I haven't actually started anything yet.
After I had breakfast I went upstairs to get washed, ended up putting on a peel facemask. Then once I took it off I thought I really needed a moisturising one so I've basically sat on top of my bed reading for 1.5hrs 'doing skin-care'.
Get me all self-caring and stuff!!
Io who is studying from home today then came in and decided it was lunchtime. So lunch time it is and I have achieved one load in the washing machine and one in the dishwasher. (rofl)
I'm so proud of you! Well done!!!
Strugglingmum
11-01-21, 02:51 PM
All 3 of them at home today.
One has just asked the question...
So how long do you give it till mum's next mental breakdown?
Let's just say if they sing In the jungle...with all parts off-key one more time.....
They are now taking bets. Lowest amount of time given.....74seconds!.
Oh... "a whim away, a whim away...."? Too soon?
Strugglingmum
11-01-21, 05:10 PM
How things go in my house...
Io, How does Casualty theme tune go again?
There then follows a cacophony of the rest of us murdering different versions of the theme tune...or what we think is the theme tune.
D, is on his laptop so sets it to play...we all join in
Then he finds a DJ dance version
This causes us to rave round the kitchen, he vapes out like a smoke machine, C and I flashing torches for strobe lights.
That my friends is what it's like being mum to my 3!!
That's awesome!
Do you adhere to the "Ballroom Blitz" law too? That as and when it plays you have to dance and sing along for the entire song?
How lovely to have all your lot home with you!...I'm envious!
Strugglingmum
11-01-21, 05:38 PM
Realising that any comment you make can and will be set to music is the norm here.
Flo Io was studying from home today..she will be back to work tomorrow. Both boys didnt start work till 4pm today so now is all peaceful (rofl)
Sounds fun in your house :)
Stella180
11-01-21, 06:39 PM
Can I move in with you? Sounds like a fun place to be.
Strugglingmum
11-01-21, 07:27 PM
Can I move in with you? Sounds like a fun place to be.
It's pretty bedlam most of the time.
We are very tight-knit and close ranks at the drop of a hat, however we also have very dark sense of humour... no part of your life is safe from these guys banter. They have taught me to not take life so seriously and to be able to laugh at myself.
They do realise if they go too far and are quick to say sorry, give you a nudge and a wink and quip 'too soon?'
You need the hide of a rhino....... they all also give the best hugs and make fab cups of tea.... their way of saying 'love you'
It can be overwhelming at the best of times but if that kinda thing floats your boat, jump in board.
Stella180
11-01-21, 07:38 PM
You have a fab family. I’ve never had anything like that so I am incredibly jealous. I’m always up for a bit of banter and you and your lot sound like my kind of crazy lol
We have similar in our house... Close, but will take the proverbial all the time!
Stella180
11-01-21, 10:11 PM
That’s why I love you guys so much. It’s always fun being around you and your family.
You just like hearing them all take the P out of me constantly....
Stella180
11-01-21, 11:30 PM
No, I love to see the bond between you all, including how Marc in particular is with the dogs, and your kids are bright and funny. You all have what I could only dream of. You deserve all the happiness your families bring.
That does sound great Stella. But I am think what Suzi said comes from that. My brother and my mum and me are that way too. And to others it might sound harsh at times but its love.
Strugglingmum
12-01-21, 08:12 AM
I guess all families are different and have different ways of communicating.
My brother has 2 girls and their home is very genteel and calm and peaceful. No raised voices, no angry tantrums, no beating each other over the head with whatever is closest to hand. Sometimes I'm jealous of that. My brother and SIL are very calm and measured. But then I remember the times that we have sat with the tears tripping us laughing, when we actually cant breathe we have laughed so hard because of someone's quick-witted reply. My hubby who laughs like Mutley and has huge laughter lines around his eyes and I'm glad for what we have.
However, we do have a rule that banter is not an excuse for meanness. We have a saying,
"It's only funny if everyone is laughing".
Mira I'm glad you feel that closeness to your mum and brother, that's important.
We have a similar phrase!
How are you today lovely? What's on your agenda?
How comes my house with 2 girls was never genteel???
Mine never has been either lol
Strugglingmum
12-01-21, 12:20 PM
We have a similar phrase!
How are you today lovely? What's on your agenda?
I'm ok. I went back to bed for a while this morning after taking Io to work. I had another hour so it was good. I have taken C to work and now I'm going to go for a walk. It rained most of yesterday so getting out while its dry. I have some crochet to work on later.
How comes my house with 2 girls was never genteel???
I'm not answering that.....sounds like a trap(rofl)
I hope the walk gave you some energy. And that the crochet will be nice.
Hope your walk is lovely and stays dry for you!
Strugglingmum
12-01-21, 02:49 PM
Walk was lovely. I have gorgeous countryside all around me. I walk a 5 mile circuit and it's all fields.
Have a lasagne half made for dinner but my son is now in the kitchen cooking before he goes to work so I beat a hasty retreat with a cuppa.... I shall return to the chaos when he leaves!! :x
So glad you had a lovely walk, it's what I miss most about living where I grew up - just being able to get out and walk or be close to the sea etc...
Your son is a good cook?
Did you get your lasagne made?
Oh that sounds like such an amazing place to walk.
Strugglingmum
12-01-21, 05:54 PM
Lasagna made and eaten.
Let's just say none of mine would starve.
They can make simple meals but also love experimenting with flavours etc. I have a notebook where I have written down our favourite family recipes.... how mum makes them.
I've done that with Ben for when he went to uni! :)
Great Idea. I have started toing that too. Since no one can make it like mum. But now we can get close haha
I offered that to mine .... no one took me up on the offer ;)
Stella180
13-01-21, 12:09 AM
Oh Paula (rofl)
I offered that to mine .... no one took me up on the offer ;)
I've heard that you have very many qualities - that much is obvious, but that your culinary skills are not one of your best......
That particular gene may have passed me by - Si doesn’t even let me microwave my WW meals anymore (rofl)
Strugglingmum
14-01-21, 10:52 AM
I ended up falling asleep after dinner last night, woke up just before 8, had a cup of tea, watched The Repair Shop and went to bed.
I'm not sleeping great and was really tired but couldnt sleep. Got up this morning, took Io to work came home, got back into bed and slept till 10am.
I'm really getting my sleep messed up through this lockdown, more than any other. Have to take C to work in a while and need to run into Asda for a couple of things but really I'm struggling to motivate myself through my days.
There is so much I could be doing and I dont seem to be able to do anything.
Someone please send a kick up the bum to jolt me into usefulness.
I'm not going to give you a kick, but you are doing so much running around dropping kids to work etc at random times and trying to be busy to stop flashbacks/thoughts etc that actually I'm not surprised you're struggling. When did you last sit and pace or rest properly or allow yourself the time to process what you are talking about in therapy? What about some meditation before bed?
You don’t seem to be doing much self care atm, love, can you spend the next couple of days doing things you love rather than what you ‘should’ be doing?
Strugglingmum
14-01-21, 03:53 PM
Walk done. It was good to stretch my legs and feel active while the rain had actually stopped! For me this has been the longest week of any lockdown.
I need to try and find a bit of structure to make it through next few weeks
Are you sure you don't want to talk about things more?
Are you feeling a bit claustrophobic and restrained? You've been used to taming your gremlins by swimming long distances and the freedom it gives you when you focus plus the fact that it gets rid of the tension you feel I expect. The weather has been lousy so maybe you can't get out as much as you'd like, and the afternoons are dark which doesn't help either. I know it doesn't help me. I know I suffer when I can't get out for long walks because walking keeps my head straight. Basically my routine has been knocked into cocked hats! Are you trying to catch up on sleep? From where I'm standing you work hard to keep all the family cogs going round, but don't deny yourself the little luxuries that you deserve...being waited on, baths by candle light, heaving the kids up to their room so you can have time with hubby! I don't know.....just little things that you might enjoy. By the way, what breed is your little dog?xx
Strugglingmum
14-01-21, 06:21 PM
Thank you Flo. As ever it all makes sense.
Yes I know not getting to swim is really affecting my mood because of the ease it gives me from flashbacks etc and yes I find it hard to want to go out in the rain.... I never used to be like that.
My little dog is a hulking great German Shepherd who is stuck like velcro to me. She is my love but yet it's hard to motivate even to take her out, also probably because she hates the rain too and would much rather just snuggle up beside me on the sofa. (rofl)
Sounds like the best option at the moment - the weather is truly horrible today.
Hulking great German Shepherd???.....what gave me the idea she was a lapdog pooch? Crikey, she'd probably crush you if she sat on your lap!! I've only known a couple of GS's owned by other people and both totally dominated the sofa and practically had to be surgically removed from their 'people' when they went to bed...but for all I know maybe they slept in the middle!!! Getting motivated during this weird incarceration is very hard isn't it for everybody? There's light at the end of the tunnel though...spring won't be long now and the evenings will be longer in a couple of weeks we'll have broken the back of winter and we can start being half human again and our heads will hopefully be full of optimistic things...and the swimming pool will be open again very soon I hope. Have a nice evening sweet.xx
Strugglingmum
14-01-21, 07:40 PM
Yip...she may be large but still a lap dog pooch(rofl)
We have that problem with Crash - he's huge, takes up the whole sofa, but has to be attached to someone all the time lol
I'm glad you have worked out why you're struggling. Next thing is how to put things in place to make things easier for you....
Stella180
14-01-21, 08:35 PM
Is she a leaner? Max had to always sit close to me and would lean to put his body weight on me. He was very good at leaving its fur all over me too lol
Strugglingmum
18-01-21, 10:02 AM
Psychology appt done and dusted for another week.
Day 1 of trying to add a little bit of structure to my life.
That involves putting my phone down now until lunchtime.
How was psychology? Are you building in process time?
Strugglingmum
18-01-21, 12:45 PM
Yeah. I went for a cycle after psychology to clear my head. Later I will sit down and write some stuff down that is really jumping out at me to act on.
Been out some errands and made some homemade tomato soup. Had some for lunch with a sandwich.
Going to tidy the craft room for a while, then a walk with Katie. At least its dry today!
You sound so much more optimistic today! That's good. Have a lovely walk with Katie.x
I'm really proud of you taking that time to give yourself space after psychology. That's so important. Writing things down is also going to be brilliant.
Every time I've ever made tomato soup it's been really watery... What's your secret?
The plan to deal with psychology sounds really sensible :). Flo’s right, you are sounding positive atm
Strugglingmum
18-01-21, 02:51 PM
My tomato soup is a store cupboard buster...very easy.
Chop an onion and 3 cloves garlic and saute
Add 3 tins tomatoes
2 tbsp tomato puree
500ml veg stock
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar.
(The recipe also has pesto in it but I'm not a lover)
I season with salt and pepper and add some basil.
Simmer away on the hob then blend.
Stella180
18-01-21, 04:16 PM
That sounds good to me. Is it bad that I have never made soup in my life unless you count the packets where you just add water.
That sounds awesome! Thank you!
I love making soup. Homemade soup is amazing. It's also amazing how much Fern and Ben like soup even if they hate the individual ingredients! Hazel hates soup.
Strugglingmum
18-01-21, 05:22 PM
My lot were late comers to soup. Only in recent years I could convince them to try it. Io now eats a few different ones.... I think because she is coeliac she is glad to find something she can eat!! D doesn't stray far from veg soup. C will only eat chicken and leek. I'll eat any. I literally will throw anything in a pot with stock and make a soup out of it.
I’m with H on this one (n)
Stella180
18-01-21, 06:37 PM
What’s not to like about soup?
Lol... Mine are all vegan soups so I can eat them! (rofl) Ben makes a good (apparently) chicken and veg which he did for his Nan....
What’s not to like about soup?
The texture to start with. I don’t like slurping my food
That's Hazel's reasoning too!
Morning SM, how are you today?
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 10:51 AM
Day 2 of adding structure and it's all gone a bit awry!!
My aim was not to be going back to bed after taking Io to work but I didnt sleep very well last night so I went back to bed.
Ah well, it's good to be flexible. I've had brekkie and sorted some laundry, emptied the dishwasher etc. I have to take C to work and grab a couple of things in Asda while I'm up in the town.
My plan is to do my walk while I'm up there. Its bucketing, our roads are flooded, no footpaths etc so I'm going to walk in the town. It also means I dont need to coax myself out the door again later.
I have found a slight change in the wording of a sentence has helped me take some pressure off myself and eased some of the panic and despair of succeeding.
Instead of saying, "I'm going to get my life back" ...... especially when there are huge things I cant get back....
I've started to tell myself, " I'm going to get a life back that includes lots that I enjoy"
It may not be for everyone but I have found it really helpful to me to acknowledge things will never be as they were, but they can still be ok.
That's a brilliant change in wording. Much more positive, but also accepting of when things aren't so straight forward. You should be proud of yourself for making this change.
Jaquaia
19-01-21, 12:59 PM
Completely agree with Suzi!
Absolutely! It’s definitely an adjustment to make but makes such a difference
Strugglingmum
21-01-21, 11:51 AM
Urrgh.... so after an accident' at home last night I have a swollen bruised knee. Last night it looked like a tennis ball on the side of my knee so I'm glad that has reduced to a more generalised swelling and a huge bruise. Getting ice on it straight away definitely helped. It will be a short walk today.
At least the sun is out today although its bitter cold!!
OMG What did you do? Should you get it looked at?
Strugglingmum
21-01-21, 12:47 PM
No it's fine, just sore but I can walk on it. Just did 3 miles so it's ok no real damage.
My son C has this thing where if I'm getting worked up over something stupid he throws me across his shoulders and squats me till I laugh.
Last night C, Io and I all came out of our bedrooms at the same time onto the landing. He jumped on my back carrying on and Io was saying to throw him over my shoulder...which there was no hope of me doing. We were messing around and then he throws me across his shoulders and runs into my bedroom with me to flip me on the bed. My knee connected with the bedend which is solid mahogany but also as he flipped me I landed on my neck. It could have been a lot worse than a swollen knee and a stiff neck.
Anyway, lesson learnt....mummy is near 50 and not a ragdoll and doesn't bounce the same as she used to. Bless him he felt so bad, I may get a break from being squatted for a while.
Jaquaia
21-01-21, 01:01 PM
Ouch! But at the same time, that's quite funny! Your relationship with your kids sounds awesome!
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