Anxiety & Depression Hell..*TRIGGERS*

[Suzi]

Apart from things with this woman, are things still going OK?

[SA89]

Apart from things with this woman, are things still going OK?

Ye I think so suzi, I've been a bit productive by contacting places regarding volunteering & attendin my appointments.

Today though I feel like I've taken a step back again .. My cousin were just braggin that he's getting "bitches" as he puts it which hurt me after getting that random cold shoulder on facebook.

I'm sick of feelin like I'm competing with him & my brother to find affection. I want to focus on myself but its hard when they don't shut up about getting a woman. Its a massive insecurity for me so I could do without the bragging... They're also braggin about scoring my brothers gram of coke (& I ain't talkin fizzy pop).

My birthday is also loomin soon on tuesday so I'm anxious about that as well (28, god I feel old ). I really don't want to go out with them just caus "theres no one else to go out with". I'm trying to keep busy atm anyway whatever way I can. I'm still so far away from tackling my insecurities despite some progress of late. Is it really so hard to ask what others have in life?.

Sorry again for the wall of text, I feel guilty after typing that much ..

[Suzi]

Have you thought about moving out? Getting away from them?

[Paula]

You don't need to apologise for talking, hunni

[SA89]

Have you thought about moving out? Getting away from them?

Hmm.. I think I've got it easy with my mum so thats why I'm still here & I would feel even more lonely.

By the way I am an absolute pudding after last night. To summarise quite briefly, I got a taxi into town at 4am to meet my chav brothers ex at a nightclub. Me being the doughnut I am I waited outside the club for 2 hours in the p***** rain to see if she would come out (couldn't justify the £5.00 entry fee) And surprise surprise she didn't.. and there was a riot with about 20 people fighting. I also had bystanders approachin me for "business" aka coke when I don't even smoke let alone!..

Then after walkin all the way back home I returned to hear her in my brothers bed. Oh & I was blocked again for no reason whatsoever from a girl on a dating site despite havin a great non-sexual conversation with her about the tutoring I did. People eh? ..

[Suzi]

You can tell I'm really old - getting a taxi into town at 4am sounds ridiculous to me!

[Amaya]

Happy birthday for yesterday!

[Paula]

I'm sorry, hunni, I didn't realise! 28?

[Suzi]

Oh no! I missed it! Sorry lovely.. How was it?

[SA89]

I feel awful today, got drunk last night & now that gut wrenching loneliness is rising to the surface again.. This loneliness encompasses everythin from sexual frustration, lack of companionship, lack of routine, status ..

The irony is I went out with quite a few friends and I'm doing more socially than I have for as long as I can remember. But when I go out drinking it fuels this deep despair I have inside me of never havin a relationship. I'm 28 ffs & have never experienced what it means to be loved. My brothers ex was grindin on me in a club and kissin me & I felt nothin.. I made sure she got home alright, gathered her belongings each time she dropped it because that's the kind of guy I am. I have a good heart but I'm a f***** doormat.

These clubs are a competition for sex & are really self-sabotaging for my self-esteem. Because I always return feelin even more sexually frustrated & depressed from the alcohol & then I retreat to porn, it's a vicious circle of self-loathing ..
I know there's guys out there who are sufferin with this loneliness the way I am.. On the bright side I attended a voluntary interview to work with special needs children and completed the online safeguarding certificate. Whether that comes to fruition remains to be seen, rejection is part of my miserable existence after all ..