The Black Sheep

[Strugglingmum]

No it isnt a day any of us imagined seeing. Drive safely.

[SJW180]

One of the hardest days I’ve ever had to deal with on a multitude of levels. Marc and the kids were so incredibly brave. My heart was breaking for them.

I’m no stranger to loss but losing Suzi has me harder than losing my parents. When I first joined DWD I was pretty guarded. My walls were tall and thick an nobody was getting past my defences. I lifetime of hurt and disappointment left me believing that I couldn’t trust anybody else. I didn’t want to let anybody in cos I was scared of being hurt again. I don’t quite know how but Suzi chiselling away bit my bit and managed to through to me. She got me to open up and share all the painful thoughts, feeling and memories that I was living with. I felt naked and vulnerable but she assured me that it was ok and she would always be there for me. It was promise she could never realistically keep but I know wanted it to be true and so did I. On several occasions she cyber stalked me to find people near by she could reach out to and get them to check on me when she was worried. She called emergency services when I was in an especially dark place in order to keep me safe. Of course in the moment I hated her for getting in the way because I didn’t want help. I just wanted to pain to stop. By the time I calmed down and got me head back on straight I was so touched that she cared about my well-being even though I didnt. She kept me going, kept on picking me up and brushing off ready to fight the next battle

She saw something in me that I couldn’t see for myself. I still can’t see it. I don’t know why she thought someone like me was worth saving. It seems I made her regret it in the end. That the monster inside me became to much for all of you to deal with. I’ll never get that friendship back. I’ll never get to tell her how important she is to me. Was. Never get to say how much I loved her and appreciated everything she ever did for me. I let her down I don’t know how I’m supposed to live it’s that. The past 6 months or so has been hell for me. So many nights crying myself to sleep. I’m devastated to have lost the person who believed in me, that fought with me, the person changed me live forever.

It wasn’t just Suzi. There are others here who came to mean a great deal to me. I don’t need to name you. If you don’t know who you are by now you never will. I’m not going to beg for your forgiveness or hand of friendship. It’s not my place to ask. You know me better than my own family and I gave you something that money can’t buy. Something I don’t give easily and something I can’t take back even if I wanted to. I gave you my heart. I gave you my trust and whatever happens after today please know that I love you and I treasure every memory we created over the years.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm sorry you're hurting and have such regrets.
I guess we all have learnt even more to cherish those we love because you never know the day. I know tonight I held hubby just a little tighter.
Sometimes we just have to take those lessons and move on because we can't go back and undo the damage.

[SJW180]

I wish I could just move on. No I can’t undo what has been done.

Often when I talked to Suzi I would remind her how much I loved and appreciating her and what an inspirational woman she was and how I was honoured to call her my friend. Of course she shrugged it off in her usual “I’m just Suzi sitting on my sofa” way. I felt that she needed to hear it more than the rest of us. She was always sacrificing herself for everyone else and rarely listened to her own advice, always telling us to rest and pace while spreading herself even thinner with all she took on.
Included in one of my last conversations with her were the words “I appreciate everything you have ever done for me, you have literally changed my life. Don’t underestimate just how much you mean to me”.
I don’t know if she really ever took those words onboard or even believed it to be true considering the way things ended between us.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm sorry things ended badly for you.
Suzi led the most amazing full life, because that's what she wanted to do and that's what she also wanted for all of us.
I'm sure she has no regrets to spreading herself so thinly as that's what fulfilled her. As long as Marc and her kids were ok, Suzi was ok.

[Marc]

Sarah.

im not on this forum much, you know that, and i have no plans to be anymore active, but i have been popping on a lot more over the last few days, and im going to remain a little more active for the next week or so, as i feel the mods here need time to grieve too.

DWD was Suzi's 4th baby and it meant a huge amount to her, as does its members.

i read this thread a few times before deciding what to do. Are the members of this site agree with you? damn right they are, and with good reason.

i would never ask them, but you can bet the mod team are angry too.

you ask for forgiveness, you did that before and got it from Suzi, i remember it well.

and then you hurt her again...

Suzi did her best to help you on the site, over the phone, and in person, she even offered you her friendship, yet you through this back in her face

i had a hunch you would turn up at the funeral, and i had 4 people on stand by to remove if you arrived as i was not prepared to allow you to make a scene, not in front of my kids, that would never happen.

when you got there i could see you in pain, and hurting, i came up to you, i hugged you and i didn't turn you away.

i took a risk on you in front of my children and Suzis grieving family, i had nothing to gain.

you had a chance to say goodbye and pay your respects, and to be fair im not sure you deserved it. Suzi gave you a 2nd chance before, i never did. your being at the funeral is your 2nd chance from me.

i will not go against the mod team here, yes i have admin rights, but i never use them, i see myself as a member and will never use my admin or mod rights unless asked by a team member. so if you do step out of line on here, i will not act, its down to the team here that had suzis total trust

so you asked for forgiveness, and regret not being to get it from Suzi, you miss all advice that suzi gave, yet often rejected.

your actions on here have been selfish, if you think about it, you know how much harm you posts could do to others.

you mention Suzi, Me and my kids in this post, you bought us into this, so here goes...

Suzi was a lot of things, but mainly she was no idiot. you stay here and do a few things...

1. remember the advice she gave you
2. look at the support she gave you, non of it would have been to fix a single problem, they would have all been life skills
3. remember the pain you caused, and maybe some people here might forgive you, i dont know enough to comment
4 actually remember everything she ever did for you, but also remember the pain you caused, every time you have a problem, remember the advice she gave, look after yourself like she would have advised you.
5. when you feel like being self destructive, think of whats happened, and if you really must carry on that path, do so without causing harm to others.

do those those things, and become a better person and on the 2nd anniversary of her death, you can have my forgiveness

put your money where you mouth is Sarah.

[SJW180]

Marc I appreciate your response, thank you. Yes, you are right, many times I fought Suzi’s word’s of advice because I wasn’t ready to hear them or act upon them. You probably understood better than most how difficult I find it to deal with my emotions and accept change. I can promise you I never ever meant to cause Suzi or you any harm. You’ve all been there for me and that will never be forgotten.

Of course I was going to be there to say goodbye but I am actually confused as to why you thought I would show to cause trouble. That’s actually really hurtful. I’ve not asked anyone for forgiveness. It’s not my place to ask for that but in all honesty I don’t understand why there is so much animosity towards me. I took time out from the internet because it was turning into a trigger for me. Maybe I didn’t go about it in the right way but I tried to explain my reasons. It was never anything personal. What I was met with was a “ gang” of people all working together against me. It’s like being back in the school yard having the cool kids turn their back on me. I can only comment from my side of things because nobody has told me how they are feeling. I genuinely don’t understand it. Am I being selfish? Yes, because I am standing alone.

Your advice is sound and I promise you I am already looking at all those things. Again I’m not asking for forgiveness from you or any one else. That is your choice to forgive or not. The one thing maybe that I don’t understand is the level of hurt that has been caused. I need clarity on that so I can change things going forward.I want to learn from this.

[SJW180]

slept well last night once I got off. I’m medicate, had breakfast (not very healthy, it was left over pizza) and come out to clean out the car. There is still stuff in the car from last summer when I went to Manchester. I eventually might get round to valeting it but that’s a step too far today.

As for feelings, numb is probably the best description. The baseline is low as are energy levels despite a solid 8 hrs sleep. I agreed to partner a friend in a mixed darts competition tonight. Seriously regret it now cos really don’t feel up to it but I can’t ditch him at the last minute either.

[Strugglingmum]

You'll maybe feel more like it later. It's good to have something to make you go out when motivation is low.

[Paula]

You’ve done more than me already so well done for your motivation