The Black Sheep

[SJW180]

I’m desperate to make amends for my former mistakes. I don’t expect forgiveness but I do want people to recognise the changes I have tried to implement. I didn’t instantly become an evil person. I just ask for you to remember the good. To understand that I, like everyone else is flawed. I only ask that I am given a chance.

Before Suzi’s passing I was a mess. I not only lost my safe space but I lost some of my best friends. Purely because I was misunderstood and I am not trying to be controversial, I am trying to be honest. My opinion may not have been popular but I don’t believe I deserved all that I got. I would love to sit down with everyone and hear the other side of the story but there is no point holding my breath til that happens.

As far as the big picture is concerned non of that matters. I don’t want to be the problem. I want you to understand that I loved Suzi as much if not more that everyone here. I would’ve dropped everything and driven 2hrs to be with her. I have done on many occasions. I met Marc who is a remarkable man, I met her children who are every bit as awesome as Suzi ever made them out to be. I got to cuddle with her dogs past and present. I don’t care what you all think of me, but I got to know Suzi in person. She was so much more than “just Suzi sat on the sofa”. She loved with all her heart. She fought for all she held dear. She ignored all the shit she had been through, and holy cow there was a lot, to try and help others. Suzi had so many struggling on a personal level but she put it all aside to put her family first, and I can only wish I was half the mother she was. Even when Marc was in his darkest place she fought for their kids, for her marriage. Non of it was easy but she battled because it was right. Her love shone through the darkness. I honestly cannot tell you, and maybe I don’t need to say what a force of nature she truly was. It breaks my heart to think I’ll never hear her voice or see another of her posts again. I still can’t believe it’s real.it’s no joke when I say I would happily trade my life for hers as she had so much more to offer the world and a loving family who need her.

[Strugglingmum]

I dont think anyone here will argue with you as to what a wonderful person Suzi was. She was much loved by everyone.
You are very blessed to have spent time with her in person.

[SJW180]

And don’t I know it. In all those years I’m surprised I am in the minority who got to know her in person. I can promise you she didn’t disappoint. I got the honour of seeing the love she had for her children and the love they had for her. I’m not going to lie, I was envious of the connection she had with her children but she sure put in the hours. She was a fierce lioness where her children were concerned and the kind of partner we all wish for where her love for Marc was concerned. I don’t wanna go in to to much detail but Marc was the love of her life. Ffs DWD wouldn’t be here if not for that love. Having met Marc in person I can totally understand why.

I’ve not had the best weekend, been really low and emotional. Today I was invited to go see Guardians of the Galaxy 3 but I really didn’t feel up to it so sat that one out. I did manage to get a few small household tasks done, took the rubbish out, done the washing up and a couple of loads of laundry. I had a shower and cooked dinner. Last job on my list is to change my bedding. All jobs that were long over due. Gonna be an early night for me tonight cos I’m knackered.

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like a productive day. Well done. Enjoy your early night

[SJW180]

This week we have Eurovision. Suzi and the girls loved eurovish and last year for the Queen Jubilee Wetherspoons put up bunting with purple union flags. Thinking of Suzi I asked if I could have the bunting to give to her. The plan was to send it down to her for her house party while watching on tv. I may have messed things up here and with Suzi but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about her or any of you. I don’t know what to do with the bunting now.

[SJW180]

Got dragged out to darts tonight. Wasn’t really up for it but the girls weren’t going to take no for an answer. We lost the match but the curry and chips were nice after. Prior to that all I had to eat today was a bowl of porridge.
I’m getting dragged out again tomorrow cos parking is dodgy at the pub our team is playing at and my blue badge will come in handy. I’ve handed over Captains responsibility to another member of the team so I have less to worry about and I can leave earlier if I need to.

I called the GP surgery regarding the re-referral to the social prescriber and was told I needed a routine appointment and none are available until the middle of June. I’ve completed a form online which I should get a response within 48 hrs in the hope that someone with a bit of common sense can sort it without waiting 5-6 weeks and taking up a doctors time. Don’t understand why I couldn’t be transferred to who ever was taking over from the woman who is leaving. It doesn’t seem as is logic and efficiency are words they are familiar with.

[Strugglingmum]

Its great you have friends to drag you out. Sometimes we all need that.
Well done on being proactive about your referral. Hopefully you get sorted quickly

[SJW180]

I wish. Got a reply today effectively saying you have the email address for Social Services, just get on with it. If only it were that easy. You all know the struggles I’ve had dealing with them and they are already dismissing me.

[Strugglingmum]

I wish. Got a reply today effectively saying you have the email address for Social Services, just get on with it. If only it were that easy. You all know the struggles I’ve had dealing with them and they are already dismissing me.

I guess it's a case of keep knocking those doors til someone listens.

[SJW180]

Been busy today paying bills, getting my hair cut, getting the car filled up, wheel balanced, and tyre pressures done ready for the road trip I never thought I’d ever have to make. Really not looking forward to it but I can’t not go. I’m ready struggling with regrets without adding another to the list. All those times I fought again the hugs when visiting Suzi and Paula but right now I’d give anything for one.