Everything is so up and down right now. I know I’m avoiding doing stuff but a the same time I know I’m not ready or able to tackle things so where does self care and procrastination begin and end? It’s so hard being on my own and not having anyone to pick up the slack at times like this cos life might be easier. At the same time just the idea of having someone else in my life feels restrictive. My whole life is a contradiction and I don’t know which way to turn.
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I’ve not really been updating this thread much lately because I felt anything I had to say would be misinterpreted so better to stay silent and work through it myself which is never easy. February is a tough month for me and the one positive I had to celebrate…
Mum’s birthday was 21st Feb. On that day 11yrs ago she collapsed. She died the next day. Suzi’s birthday. Having something positive on that day made it that bit easier for me, it didn’t stop Suzi checking that I was ok even though it was her big day.
Then 4 yrs ago I lost my brother on the 18th. We didn’t really have much of a relationship for the last 7 yrs of his life but he was still my big brother and I still loved him regardless. I didn’t go to see him in those final days, not because I didn’t want to but because if I had it would’ve been for me and not for him and that wasn’t right. His funeral was the last time I saw my cousins husband. He was the one person who went out of their way to speak to me that day. Shortly after that we had the Covid lockdown. He was taken ill and he never recovered. My cousin is a very strong woman but seeing what she had to endure due to the circumstances this country and the world found itself in was more that anybody should have to go through. Not being allowed in the hospital to see him, only 6 at the funeral and when they had 6 children and many grandchildren was impossible to make sure all his loved ones could say goodbye in the traditional way. It was horrible.
I know this sounds selfish but not having Suzi here, the one shining light during a difficult time for me, is just one more struggle to overcome. Of course I’m aware that her family who have been through so much in recent months will have been missing her so much wishing she was still with them holding them together. I think about them a lot but Suzi had such a huge impact of so many lives during her time on Earth which was so cruelly cut short, and I was one of those people. I’m sure you all have an opinion about what right I have to even talk about her but I loved that woman. She opened my eyes to so many things and not a day goes my when I don’t miss her. Not having her here at this time of year has taken away the one good thing I had to focus on and get me through it.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.
Yes Suzi impacted the world in a huge way and was so so precious to so many people. It left a huge hole in so many lives when she was taken from us.
I also have a month that is particularly crappy for me so I can sympathise with so many crappy memories in such a short space of time. Its draining.
Time to be kind to you and make sure you are looking after your basic needs, anything extra is a huge bonus.
How about taking Talia for a walk in the fresh air?
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I’m taking the car in to the garage tomorrow so I’ll be sat somewhere in town waiting for the work to be done. I was thinking about sticking my wellies on and taking her over the fields on Thursday for some playtime. I’ve done something that I know Suzi would tell me off for but it was a subconscious thing. When I find things hard I overload myself with activities to keep me busy so I don’t have time to think about it. This usually leads to a massive crash, as she pointed out to me a long way back but I can’t seem to stop it. Crying myself to sleep and running into reminders constantly, and having to endure advertising about Mother’s Day everywhere I go is just another kick in the teeth too. I’m trying to hold it together but I’m sick of sleeping on a tear soaked pillow
I didn’t really do much yesterday but thanks to sensory overload it’s knocked me for six today. There was an extremely loud individual yesterday who made to move from what was a usual quiet place to somewhere with a lot more foot fall. The town centre was a lot busier with loved up couples going out for Valentines and we had Light Night in the city meaning lots of people and light exhibits. Throw in half term and screaming kids everywhere you look at it was a very tense day where I wish I’d stayed home. I didn’t really appreciate the impact until today where I have been totally drained. I’ve slept most of the day, got up for about 4hr and now back in bed again. Everything is too much for me today and I’m starting to panic a little. Tomorrow I have an evening planned with my sister and Saturday the drive to London and the footy. If a few loud people, busy streets and bright lights have done me in and KO’d me for a day how am I going to get through the weekend? Will I even feel any better tomorrow? I feel like such an idiot.
Sensory overload is very debilitating and the only way to come back down is to self soothe so be kind to you and dont overdo things
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Not going to lie, still didn’t feel great Friday. I managed to got through the Pink Tribute and enjoy it but my ears hurt in the end. I forgot to take my earbuds with me. Didn’t make the same mistake today. I definitely needed them too. It’s a tough balance between soothing my anxiety and fully experiencing the atmosphere. I spent the half with my leg bouncing almost constantly but it tailed off and I started to settle down and enjoy the game even if we played dreadful and lost 1-2. I treated myself to a shirt to commemorate the day and had our goal scorers name printed on the back. That’s a tick off the sporting bucket list - attend a premier league match at Tottenham - done.
Of course with every big achievement there is the inevitable down side. My hips are painful and I struggled to get up the few stairs in the club shop. When I stopped for fuel on the way back my left hip especially was agony. During the journey home I started to get stomach cramps. I’d have thought the bout of IBS that often follows a stressful situation would wait until the next day as normal but oh no. Kinda glad it was C rather than D cos being stuck on the motorway for 100 miles with the squits would have been so much worse than a few cramps. The weather was shocking with heavy rain and high winds so I’m glad we got home safe (and not flung into the barriers and the car flipping like the thoughts in my head kept repeating). I’m tired and hurting and just want to sleep forever.
I hope you’ve got a few days rest booked in
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
Yes thankfully I’ve never been so glad that I didn’t get a seat on the coach for today’s game because I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck this morning. It’s 4 yrs today since I lost my brother. Some of you may remember the difficult relationship, or lack of, in the latter years of his life. I’m still sure I did the right thing not visiting him to say goodbye but I do worry what others think of me because of that choice. It’s not the normal thing to do and I’m sure there are people in the family who think I’m a heartless bitch but they don’t know the full story. Why would I be at the death bed of someone who didn’t want me there? Surely attending would be more disrespectful of his wishes when he had even denied my existence.It so complicated.
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