The Black Sheep

[SJW180]

Made sure I took all my meds, including pain meds today but I still felt pain when I threw my darts tonight. I managed an 8 game unbeaten run but that came to an end in the 2nd round of the cup tonight. Can’t complain, I had chances and didn’t take them. She did so fair play. If I’m honest I’ve ridden my luck in a few of my wins and only naturally my streak would come to an end. I feel exhausted and upset with myself right now. Time to put it aside and start again tomorrow in another cup competition in another league tomorrow while undertaking the captains role.

[SJW180]

Not long got the bad news about the MOT. I knew I needed a new tyre and a brake pipe replaced but my rear suspension bushes need replacing which isn’t the best job. To get her back up and running it’s gonna cost me £300. Looks like the new bed I was saving up for is going to have to wait. Happy Birthday to me

The girls at darts have been celebrating birthdays and I did say I didn’t want any fuss and asked to be left out when my time came. Last week they said about a “team building” day on Monday and as captain I got to choose either crazy golf or bowling. I’m clearly not as dumb as they think I am cos it was obviously going to be a birthday celebration for me. I told them I couldn’t do Monday. That’s my polite way of saying I don’t want to attend my own surprise party. We’ve got darts tonight, a knock out comp so they will have to settle for my company in a crappy pub instead.

[Strugglingmum]

Hope the darts goes well tonight

[SJW180]

We put up a good fight in the first round but lost 4-2, next game went down 4-0. Ended up going back to our home venue for a few more drinks and birthday cake. It was a fun night.

Yesterday it was a friends PIP tribunal. I had tried to help her throughout the process the way others have helped me in the past. Another of our friends from the darts team came along for moral support too. Obviously the hearing is never a nice thing to go through but we’ve did it together. Told us the decision would be in post and thankfully it arrived this morning, she has been awarded the daily living component back paid for a year. I’m really happy for her and I know the money will make a big difference to her.

Afterward we went to see the other friends horses. I’m really not a horsey kind of person but the other two and it was just nice to see them in their element. It was a lovely day and the views from the yard were gorgeous. It was just really chilled. Them we heading back to enjoy a carvery for lunch. To give you an idea of just how nice they are, T saw a person eating alone and invited them over to sit with us. A complete stranger but didn’t like the idea of them eating alone. I would never have thought to make that offer. Halfway through the meal I just blurted out just how much those meant to me and how grateful I was to be spending time with them. Of course they made a joke about me still being drunk from the night before and laughed it off but I was being deadly serious.

Sometimes people come into your life and makes it better. Makes you a better person for knowing them. We all know someone like that here. Of course Suzi touched all of us here but she isn’t the only one. I’ve been lucky enough to meet several of the staff here, past and present, and and everyone has a quality that makes you want to know them better, to many them to be a part of your life because they make it better and I thank you all.

[SJW180]

Why do I keep putting myself through the emotional turmoil? Every time I think there is hope I get kicked back to the gutter. Starting to think that is where I belong. I’m so sick of fighting only for those supposedly standing with me, to support me and help me through drop me and leave me struggling. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t cope the the continued disappointment and rejection.

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like you're having a bad day. I'm sorry you feel that way.

[SJW180]

Bad day is an understatement. I took myself off the bed with a couple of quetiapine til I calmed down.

A while back a therapist I was working with referred me to a social prescriber who could help me with some of the outside influences I struggled to deal with. I received an email today of all days telling me she is changing jobs and therefore closing my referral and I have to go back to my GP to be referred to someone else. Of course with it being a bank holiday weekend I can’t do anything til Tuesday which has caused a bit of panic. She also left me with an email from Social Services saying basically that the court order I have in place regarding my kids isn’t worth anything as far as far as they are concerned because they spoke with the grandparents who claim that THEY took ME to court because of my boys issues and the GO and judge agree I shouldn’t see him. Pretty sure that isn’t even close to what the judge said and it’s taken over three months just to get this reply and now I’m no further forward and I’m being dropped yet again and left to cope with this situation on my own. It’s constantly one step forward and two steps back and I am running out of time.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm sorry you are going through this again.
Well done in managing your emotions though.

[SJW180]

I had a bit of a surprise this morning. My mechanic who was waiting for a part was in the area and wanted to come fit it today. Unfortunately, due to a mate letting me down by not paying me back money he owed me I couldn’t pay him. He came anyway and said pay him Thursday. I thought that was really kind of him. Next my cleaner text and Sid she will come Wednesday and she also agreed for me to pay the day after. It’s nice to know that there are good people out there who trust me and willing to be flexible and help me out. Feeling really privileged right now. It’s just a shame that my so called friend can’t keep his word, after I was good enough to help him out, and pay me back on time.

[SJW180]

I found myself talking to Suzi today. Again. Something happened over the past week and I thought about Suzi’s words in the past. Yet again Suzi was right but I guess I had to work it out for myself and be it the right place to act on it.

How am I supposed to cope in the future without her wisdom? It hurts so much that she didn’t realise just how much she meant to me. Just cos I wasn’t ready to act doesn’t mean I wasn’t appreciative of her opinion. The same goes for everyone here. I have never dismissed advice offered here and I appreciate you all and the fact that you have given me a chance right now means a lot. More than you can imagine. Nothing I can say will make you believe be but I hope in time I can prove to you that I am sincere, I’m not here to cause shit as many of you may thing is the case. I’m hurting, just like you are. DWD has been a huge part of my life for so many years and I have been lost without this place. I know I upset some of you but I never meant for that to be the case. I wish you could see things from my side. I love this forum, I love Suzi, I love the team. I’m devastated about the loss of the Boss Lady. The world has lost an angel. I know I’m not the only one who feels it. I don’t respond quickly to most things, I’d have thought you all know that by now. I’m not great with change but I love hard, am fiercely loyal, and have the backs of the people I care for. If you feel differently speak now. Let’s get this out in the air. Once and for all.