The Black Sheep

[OldMike]

Wise words there from SMum, couldn't agree more.

[SJW180]

Something rather random just happened. Aspie had a visit from the Mayor this afternoon. It was a bit of a surprise when he sat down to play a round of Cards Against Humanity of all things. Not something that happens every day. I’ve got the social prescriber tomorrow morning and straight after I have my Covid jab and I’m hoping that my old car will be going tomorrow afternoon too so need to be sure that everything has been emptied out.

[Strugglingmum]

All sounds very positive

[SJW180]

I really want to share all that I have on my mind right now, but it’s all a bit deja vu and I don’t think anyone will understand where I’m coming from or probably even believe me and due to parallels with another incident I’m not even sure this is an appropriate place for it. Oh, man this is so hard and I don’t know what to do or say cos I’m scared I might upset someone but keeping it in is hurting so bad.

[Paula]

Why is it not appropriate?

[SJW180]

Because of certain feeling by some towards me. I know you’ll just think I bring this on myself, that I’m the bad guy and I know I shouldn’t care what over people think but I do care. I hate that people I care about think the worst of me and how I am perceived as some kind of trouble maker and it’s perfectly ok to stomp all over my feeling to make them feel better. Last night I was subjected to some horrendous abuse and bullying and it mirrors another situation closer to home here but obviously on a far greater scale.

[Paula]

I don’t think anyone’s been stomping over your feelings here, why do you?

[SJW180]

No sorry, not here. Last night. My head is a total mess right now and struggling to process what has gone on. The parallel relates to funerals and I’m scared by saying what I need to say will be taken the wrong way but I have feelings too. I hurt just the same as others and I don’t want to say anything that will upset others. I’m probably not making much sense

[SJW180]

So after a bit of time to process the crap of the past few days I’m still struggling with the hateful comments, threats and general character assassination and it’s really hit me hard. Someone has betrayed my trust by sharing a person detail with a group who that used that information to bully me. Let me try and explain.

Tuesday was the funeral of the captain of darts the darts team I was playing for previously. I had already learned the week before that rumours were flying about me falling out with someone from team which is why I left. This was total BS and I quit cos my head was a mess and I couldn’t cope. My mental health was the reason. That’s what makes what comes up later even harder to deal with. Anyway I show up along with many others, it was a fabulous send off and standing room only in the crematorium. I was there for one reason, to pay my respects and it wasn’t to cause a scene which for the second time this year people have expected me to kick off at a funeral. Do you even realise just how sick I’d have to be to totally disrespect someone by doing something like that? Yet still people are willing to believe that I am that sort of person. When have ever acted so inappropriately to suggest that I would be capable of being that disrespectful? Knowing that people think of me that way hurts so much.

Anyway, I only spoke to 3-4 people at the funeral, one of which grabbed me by the arm and insisted I go in with them. She obviously know more than me at this point and could also see what was brewing. Not wanting there to be tension at the wake as there were a couple of people there who had made it perfectly clear that after me taking in the friend who had the problems with the police they wanted nothing to do with me. Funerals and wakes are hard enough to cope with without that kinda crap and add drink to the mix and it was going to get messy, in fact that happened without me even being through. The joy of social media.

I placed a 5 word post on FB and everything blew up from there. “It’s been a tough day”. That’s all, and it was but I didn’t realise that a coven of witches were going to make it harder. From that post I started to get abuse. It started off by someone telling me I had no right showing my face at the funeral. It ended up with people who had never interacted with me online before hurling hateful abuse at me. Then it went to messenger with further abuse and threats of violence. This is where I found out that somebody, one of two people who knew about that night, had shared the reason why I landed myself in hospital for 3 days a few weeks after I had left the darts team and that information was then used to taunt me. These were people I once considered as friends not over betraying my trust but that using one of my lowest moments to ridicule me. I’m still not in a great place and having that rubbed in my face with horrendous. Needless to say it left me in a right state and the impact has been immense. Wednesday night I caved after trying all day to push away all the thoughts and feeling that were stirred up the night before and ended up buying a ton of booze and got wasted. Thankfully I had a couple of people on standby checking in on me (virtually) to make sure I didn’t completely spiral out of control. I’m still not in a great place and so many negative thoughts are spinning around in my head and today I chose sleep as my best option to stay safe. Why are people so cruel? Why am I so misunderstood by people who I thought were my friends? Why does everyone think I’m a complete POS who would try and ruin a funeral?

[Strugglingmum]

If you were abused and threatened by these people I would be taking those posts and messages to the police.
I dont know the ins and outs of the rest so I cant comment but I'm sorry you feel so low