The Black Sheep

[SJW180]

Im sorry you feel like that. I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I’m finding it almost impossible to cope with my own grief, never mind anyone else’s. And yes, I know it’s my responsibility, but I’m struggling with my mental health and even the bare minimum of life is almost impossible. Suzi’s legacy will live on, but it’s been less than a week and it’s going to take time, so all members will have to be as kind to others as they expect us to be to them

Paula I completely understand that I want to be there for you and everyone else here who loved Suzi. I don’t see it as being solely your responsibility either so please don’t put that pressure on yourself. Suzi has played a huge role in the lives of everyone here so of course you are struggling. We all are which is why it’s so important that we are there for each other. This forum was built on peer support. I know several you have issues with me and don’t expect that to suddenly change. Trust is built, trust is earned. All I can say is that I care deeply about the people here that I came to call friends and I want to be there for you as much as I need to be around people who understand just how special Suzi was and how she impacted our lives.

[SJW180]

Dragged myself out of bed this morning to go and play rounders. Didn’t really feel up for it but at the same time I knew that lying around all day wasn’t going to help either. Not many people turned up but there were a load of kids at the venue for a primary school cricket skills day. It was a taster session and I was a little confused by the rules around scoring (who knew a 1/2 rounder was a thing) but it was still fun. Back home now, aching a fair bit but taken my meds like a good girl and as they make me seriously drowsy I might have an afternoon nap before football (watching not playing) tonight.

Oh and for anyone who might understand what a massive deal this is on so many levels for me, tomorrow I will be driving to to London, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to be precise to see Tottenham Women take on Brighton. I was going to go two months ago but I bottled it at the last minute. This time everything planned and paid for. I even have premium seating on the halfway line. Both excited and terrified at the same time.

[SJW180]

Wow wow wow! What an incredible experience. I’ve supported Tottenham for 40 years and never been to our home ground. The idea of being at a PL match with 60,000 loud and energetic people is more than a little intimidating. Add in the costs and travelling it’s not been possible for me before. Some of you may remember from last year I set myself a huge challenge to attend 3 major sports events, the Women’s Euros, Commonwealth Games and volunteered at the Rugby League World Cup. It wasn’t easy but it was definitely the best thing I have ever done.

A couple of months ago I planned a trip to Tottenham. Remember talking to my therapist at the time about how the people here would tell me off a bit for my “all or nothing” approach which often leads to me taking on too much and suffering afterwards. Yeah, may not have been around but DWD was always in my heart. Anyway, when it came time to commit I completely freaked out and bottled it. A long train journey alone to a place I’m not familiar with and my first time on the underground…I just couldn’t do it. I thought I’d missed my change but then a couple of weeks ago I saw a tweet that the Brighton game had been switched from the women’s usual ground and would be played at Tottenham Hotspur stadium. I had a second chance and was about to find an alternative way to make it happen. Managed to arrange parking at the stadium so I could drive down. I found somebody to go with me so I had company and support.

My first sight of the stadium I was in awe. The place is HUGE! Never seen anything like it. Even the club shop is the size of a department store. It was unreal. I’d purchased premium seats which at £19 was a bargain. The same seats for a PL game would cost £430 more!!!! As well as padded seats we had access to the premium bar and lounge. The facilities were so impressive it was easy to forget you were at a football match. Michelin star food available in the restaurant area and even the “takeaway” food was awesome. Never been to a footy match where a buttermilk chicken burger which maple bacon, spicy coleslaw and potato wedges was on the menu and it was to die for.

Brighton went ahead twice but Beth England pulled it back both times before being substituted. The game ended 2-2 but the result didn’t matter. I got to wear my spurs shirt in our home stadium and watch a game. I loved it. I know most of you guys aren’t into sport but this was a dream come true for me.



I bought my first ever season ticket for Worcester Warriors, by local Rugby Union team. 3 games in the team folded for due to financial issues. Pretty much sums up my luck. That’s when I decided to go to WSL (women’s super league) matches instead. Aston Villa are the nearest top flight team for me and at Christmas I treated myself to a half season ticket which at £45 for 6-7 games was a bargain. A couple of weeks ago I even went to my first game alone. An FA Cup semifinal which included a nightmare train journey but I did it.

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like you had a great time

[SJW180]

Oh seriously mate it was amazing. Best day ever. Never thought it would happen.

[SJW180]

Not going to lie. Been thinking a lot about Suzi tonight. I’ve been missing her for a long time and to thing that I’ll moved hear her wisdom again is truly heart breaking.

I’m not looking for sympathy. Far from it. I truly loved that woman with all my heart and to think that she is no longer with us and left us thinking that I didn’t appreciate her and all she did for me hurts so deeply cos that was never the case. I admit I fought against the things I struggled to deal with and maybe she felt I was fighting against her but that wasn’t the truth. I have had so many struggled that didn’t want to face and yes I fought hard against that because I wasn’t ready to accept the truth. I’m not gonna lie that is still hard for me. I loved Suzi with all my heart and she challenged me on so many levels and I fought back against the truth. I was scared to see what was right in front of me. It was never personal. I genuinely loved her for her honesty and I can’t believe she’s gone. How am I supposed to go on without her? I know she touched everybody here but the last 6 months have been hell for me and to think that I will never have her wisdom to rely on ever again… I genuinely don’t know how I can go on.This women changed my life in ways no one could ever understand. You all may have your opinions about me but I loved Suzi with all my heart. I hate that she is going to the grave not knowing how much I appreciate every little thing she did for me.

I only have myself to blame

[SJW180]

Didn’t sleep well last night. Been awake since 5am.

[Paula]

Hope you’re going to rest today then

[SJW180]

I wanted to clean the car out but don’t have the energy. All I’ve done this morning is listen to podcasts.

[SJW180]

Been a bit emotional today. Probably in part down to a lack of sleep. Doesn’t look like tonight is gonna be much better either.