The Black Sheep

[Paula]

I hope the hospital are giving you the help you need

[SJW180]

Not yet at least. Waiting on results of liver function tests. No sign of any Mental Heath professionals which has left others a bit concerned.

[Strugglingmum]

I know here that you wont see a MH professional until you are medically cleared. Like Paula, I hope you get all the help you need to move forward.

[SJW180]

Sounds like you are spot on SM. Doctor cleared me physically this morning. Now I’m just waiting to speak to a mental health professional and then if they are happy I can go home. My sister is a bit over protective at the moment and is scared that I’m going home alone.

Update (MH liaisons showed up while typing this post).

Unfortunately, knowing myself well enough and being able to make wise decisions regarding my medication means I’m not going to get any further help from the mental health team. What a surprise! Not! They have given me a few good bits of advice going forward and a list of other resources, the usual Samaritans, SHOUT etc. They are chasing up the social prescriber referral and sending a copy of their report to the GP but other than that I’m being let loose on society again. 2 days in hospital is more than enough for me.

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like your sister wants to be supportive. Dont forget to use the resources the hospital provided. Stay safe

[SJW180]

My sister definitely has good intentions but I’m not the kinda person who you can wrap in cotton wool. I’ve had a complicated relationship with my sister over the years. I love her to bits but she can be a pita. I’d only been home a couple of hours and she face timed to to check on me. She called from work first thing this morning too. I’m pretty sure it’s for her own reassurance and will time she’ll probably get bored and leave me be. I know I sound ungrateful but I just want to be left alone to lick my wounds and process everything. Obviously people don’t want to leave me alone and I understand why from their point of view. I was asked straight up yesterday, if I went home would I do anything stupid? Not going to lie, I’d have said anything to get out of that hospital. I have no immediate intentions purely because I feel guilty for what I put the people around me though. You don’t think of the effect it has on others in those dark moments. It’s left me kinda confused right now and don’t quite know how to explain where my heads at.

[Strugglingmum]

Quite often we dont want the very thing that's best for us. I'm glad your sister is checking in you, especially if you are still vulnerable.
You knew what you were doing when you answered the questions in hospital, that was the choice you made and maybe that's why you didnt get more MH support. I understand the desire to just get out but all our choices have consequences. Please dont forget to use the resources you were given if you need them. Stay safe

[SJW180]

The thing is I was honest. I’m not convinced that feeling guilt about scaring people is a particularly healthy thing to keep me going but apparently according to the liaison that’s good enough. How I feel and all the pain inside is irrelevant so long as I put other peoples feelings first and that keeps me alive. Does that mean all those times I’m been told that what I feel matters and that I shouldn’t feel bad for setting boundaries and standing up for myself was a lie? They literally told be that me confident and self esteem wasn’t the focus right now and what ever works to get me past this, even if it’s unhealthy, it’s not as unhealthy as the alternative. I seriously don’t know what to believe and my head is spinning. Thinks are so hard and have been for a while and I’m being asked to keep treating water but no one will throw me a life belt.

I’ve been selective with my words and abbreviated a lot. Obviously there’s a lot of private stuff that doesn’t belong on a public forum. Plus I’ve trying to avoid triggers. Putting other people first. If I don’t I’m a bad person. If I focus on myself I’m selfish but I can’t trust anyone else to really have my back. I’m really confused about what I should or shouldn’t do and where my priorities should lie.

[Paula]

If you flag up appropriate trigger warnings, you can talk. But you know that so I don’t understand why you are saying you’re not talking about the private stuff to put others first.

As for whether what you’ve been told is a lie, no it’s not. But, in crisis, it’s important for medical professionals to ensure that there’s a reason that someone will keep themselves safe. It doesn’t matter what that reason is, in those situations it’s important. It’s not necessarily healthy in the long term, but if it saves lives in the short term that’s what matters.

[SJW180]

Yeah I know about the trigger warnings but at the same time I hate seeing it attached to my threads. I always have tried to avoid the need for them. I probably sounds weird but seeing that warning makes me feel more vulnerable. I don’t know if that makes sense but trigger warnings are a trigger but only to my personal posts.

I had a GP appointment today. Follow up from my hospital stay. Ended up breaking down and going well over my time slot, and although I understand there are other patients waiting it’s never nice when you open up to be told times up, thank you and goodbye. I was told to call healthy minds. Couldn’t get through but the automated system informed me to speak with my GP. Mental Health Services pinball is not I game I feel up to playing right now. I’m so lost with so many things running through my head, trying to pick the right course of action is like a lucky dip. My chest is tight, I’m struggling to process all the things I’m being told, my coordination isn’t great either and apparently this is all perfectly normal for now. I know you’ll say I should rest up, but rest means time alone with my thoughts too. If I stay busy I get frustrated because I’m not functioning right. I just wanna get off this merry go round.