The Black Sheep

[Strugglingmum]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Lots of self care needed and make some plans with other people. How about going back to darts?

[SJW180]

Ok so the last couple of weeks have been…eventful.some good and some not so good. I went to watch the Lionesses face Portugal in a warmup game in Milton Keynes prior to the World Cup. It was a bit of a nothing game which was a bigger ball ache regarding reselling tickets but still.

Feeling pretty down due to my car being knackered and limiting my travel options. Went to the final day of Godiva Festival fulfilling another of my music achievements and saw Trevor Nelson DJ’ing, Odyssey (proper old skool), and Mel C.

After a Pink tribute act which was arranged with friends my big social stuff was complete. I’ve decided to step away from darts for a variety of reasons, basically it was becoming too much for me to cope with so easier to stay away from the drama that came with the game. I don’t think I’m missed much, other than my ability, which although is nothing compared to what it once was is still more than most of my teammates (not wanting to sound big headed) but is not enough to make me change my mind.

I’m seriously struggling right now and I don’t have the strength to carry on. I really need to take a step back and just take each day as it comes. I don’t have the energy that comes with being sociable and I think I’ve already pissed people off but I need time to get my head straight again.

I had a weird dream the other night involving members of this forum and Suzi was still with us. Needless to say she had harsh words for me and I was desperate to do the right thing by her. I fell short in comparison to other members here regarding Suzi’s wishes in the dream but I kept trying and nothing I did felt good enough. It still hurts so much that she is no longer with us, and that she left not knowing just how much I loved her and how appreciative I was for all she did for me. It’s no exaggeration to say that she changed my life and despite my difficulties excepting those changes I am so grateful for Suzi’s input in my life. A part of me wishes that wherever she is now she understands just how important she was to me and despite my inability to really show it, I wish I could give her the hug she deserved. I don’t think any of you truly understand the pain I feel to have lost the Boss Lady. I can’t even put it into words without causing distress to others here but I’m still struggling with this loss and I don’t know why I will get over it. I need you guys so much, I love you.

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like its definitely time to concentrate on the basics, eat drink, sleep, fresh air. It may take a little determination to achieve them but it's the only way to make it through a crisis.

[SJW180]

After sleeping most of yesterday I thought I should get a head start on some housework. I’ve managed to fold some laundry, take some rubbish out and sweep the hallway. I’ve now hit a wall with clothes everywhere and a ton of other stuff that needs to be sorted but no energy to do anything about it. It’s taken about 90 minds just to do the few tasks I have done. There are clothes all over the house and it feels like I have make more mess than tidying up.

[Strugglingmum]

Take the win of the things you have done

[SJW180]

Hey, genuine question. Do you get bored of taking my on a chore? I appreciate your input of course but I feels like you’re the one who drew the short straw.

Of course, you are right. I should focus on the positives but it’s so hard when I’m so far behind. That said I’m struggling a bit physically. I took the dog was a drag around the block with a stop at the shop earlier and my lower back was not happy. I had to stop 3 times and barely covered 300-400m? Probably for the best that I don’t do anything more strenuous. In my head I feel like a failure. The first day in a long time I woke up thinking I could actually accomplish something and it makes me feel crap when I can’t do what I want.

[Paula]

SM is the only mod who doesn’t have a difficult history with you, hence why she finds it easier to respond than the rest of us do. I will not ask any of my team to comment on any thread they do not feel comfortable with - and I won’t ask that of myself either, as I have my own health to look after. That’s regardless of any comments on the subject you may make.

[Strugglingmum]

I try to comment on every thread that I can and no, it's not a chore. I try to be helpful so there was no short straw. X

[magie06]

I can't even comment on my own thread ATM. All of my energy is being used on the normal things.

[SJW180]

Last night I did something really stupid and now I’m writing this post from a hospital bed. Everything has been getting me down so bad and it all became too much for me and I spiralled out of control. You guys here are aware of what I’m like and when I woke up I remember the last time an ambulance turned up at my house. Suzi was the one who made that call. I’ve reached my breaking point. I can’t cope anymore. I’ve lost everyone I cared for, family and friends and I feel so alone. I’m totally broken.