The Black Sheep

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like a plan.

[Paula]

Good idea

[SJW180]

I’ve been a bit snappy the past couple of days. It’s not taken much to irritate me. This morning I didn’t know if I wanted to hide away or face the world. I eventually decided to go out for breakfast and treat myself. Turned out the place was packed with families and there was no room at the inn for a lonely middle aged woman whose family have forgotten she exists. So I ended up at Waitrose cafe where there were flowers on tables and gifts for mothers which was a nice touch but then when I helped myself to one I felt like a thief. On a day like this I can’t win. I have no mother to celebrate and my children don’t care. I feel like I’m in limbo. This afternoon I’m going to go to the pub with Talia to watch the football. It would’ve been a day to drown my sorrows but instead I’m just gonna have so sit with my feelings and a lime and soda.

[SJW180]

I’m a bit excited. Sunday was a great day to be a Spurs far after hammering Villa 4-0, and even more exciting the women beat Manchester City on penalties and are through to the semi finals of the FA Cup. The draw was done this morning and Tottenham will be playing Leicester at home so I will be venturing down to watch them hopefully reach the Final. I’ve also managed to pick up tickets for the game against Nottingham Forest which is a Monday night game so I might be heading down earlier in the day for a bit of sightseeing and spending the night in a lay by camping in the car if I don’t feel up to driving back the same night.

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like a good plan

[SJW180]

Monday I slept literally all day. Tuesday felt a bit more with it but yesterday didn’t get out of bed until almost midday and would’ve stayed there had a not made plans to meet with friends for lunch. Went out to see another old friend play in a darts comp last night and today I feel totally drained again. I seem to be having more days like this lately where I barely have the energy to get out of bed so booking an appointment with the GP just in case.

It’s my eldest birthday on Sunday, he’ll be 20. I bought him a football shirt and was hoping he could wear it to the game with me in a few weeks but he turned me down. Rather than arranging to meet up and go for something to eat and celebrate his birthday he wants me to drop off the presents at his workplace cos he’s working. I know I’ve not been a big part of his life in a long time but I feel so let down. I didn’t even get a text from him for Mother’s Day. It hurts so much that he has the choice to talk or spend time with me as an adult but still can’t make time. I feel so useless, unwanted and unloved. What is the point in existing when the people I love most in this world want nothing to do with me? I’m sick of the constant pain and the knowledge that I am nothing but a disappointment to my family and friends.

[SJW180]

It’s been a tough time. I know it’s nobody’s fault but the forum being down so frequently has been a real struggle for me. I can’t quite put it into words but I’ve felt so lost and the forum not being available has been a huge letdown.

Today was my aunts funeral. She was 94. The attendance was low but I suppose that’s what happens when you out live most of the people you know. Only 22 attended which considering the size of our family was very disappointing. There was a family wedding last weekend, and another coming up this weekend, neither of which I was invited to, which is fine by me because it saves making an excuse for why I couldn’t go.

It’s Eurovision week which makes me think about Suzi. I miss are banter about the acts and the whole spectacle that is Eurovish. I really do miss her so much. So many things just aren’t the same without her, and it’s not just her. So many other people I felt close to who are no longer in my life, I can’t help but think about them and how my life is worse without them.

I’ve had a ridiculously busy week so far travelling all over. I took myself to Liverpool as a birthday treat to myself to watch the football. I met a mates family while there which was nice as he’s always talking about them. Then I was on puppy sitting duty Sunday followed by taking my nephew and his family to Butlins in Bognor Regis. I camped overnight with the puppy (Talia stayed with my sister) in a muddy campsite before driving home the next day. Roxie got into the bins making a complete mess of the house and ripped over a bag on Talia’s dog food and ate all of that! That led to her having an upset stomach and crapping everywhere when we were in Hobbycraft. My one day of rest was anything but restful.

I’m now lay in bed with the fan on cuddled up with Talia while the puppy does whatever cos I really don’t have the energy to deal with her right now. Tomorrow I’ll be back on the road again for approx. 8hrs to Bognor and back cos my sister volunteers me to do all the things she cba to do. Apparently they are staying at her house for the weekend so I get to keep the puppy til Sunday morning when I will be driving to Wembley for the Cup Final. Another long day and as excited as I am to be there I’m also looking forward to it being over. It’s all very nice my nephew and his family getting a holiday but it’s been manic for me between all the travelling and having the puppy. I need a break after this.