The Black Sheep

[SJW180]

I’m kind hoping it was just the emotions of the day and the drink talking. I’ve tried to find details of the local PCSO and have a word and see what they think is the right cause of action. If the low life’s can laugh about my mental health struggles I’m kinda worried it will only escalate if the police are involved so for now I’ve just removed and blocked them. Something similar happened to another person earlier in the year, and I called out the bullies on that occasion, some of the messages claim I sided with this person which is incorrect, I just got sick of the obsession they had to destroy her life.

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about Jesus. I never really considered before just how hard life was for him on a day to day level. He was a man who bucked the trends of society and did what was untimely the right thing for those who were considered the wrong people. He helped those who were cast aside by everyone else and yes we may worship him now but two thousand years ago he was hated by so many and ultimately killed for trying to do good. Im obviously not comparing myself to Jesus but how he didn’t stray from his path giving the abuse he endured is incredible. How do you stay strong, keep your head held high and carry on being a good person when the world around you continues to prove unworthy of love and kindness? The ideas of revenge have been circulating in my head a lot the last couple of days. Imagining scenarios where I get to tear these people down one by one but that only makes me as bad as them.

[Paula]

SM is right, you should report it. Emotions are no excuse for threats and bullying. But, revenge is not worth it - the only person that will get hurt is you

As for Jesus, the whole reason he was able to do what he did was because he was fully human and subject to the same temptations as any of us. Including the temptation to be angry at those who hurt him. But, as God, he’s also capable in a way we aren’t to be able to resist temptation. So, I try to be a better person, though being very aware I fail all the time. So, please don’t beat yourself up that you can’t do what he did

[SJW180]

It’s been an exhausting day today. First I had to drop off the car to get the fuel leak fixed and I brought Talia along for the ride so we could walk home together. We’d barely got through the door when the new home help arrived. We managed to sort out and majority of the junk in the hallway so I have more space now and eventually I will get the house into some kinda of shape where I can be happy. I was telling her all about Suzi and how she kept telling me that I deserved a home not just a house. It’s going to take a while but hopefully I will get to that place.

After that I was shattered so took my meds and fell asleep with the snuggle pup. Not managed to get out of bed since. Oh and the garage rang. They detected the leak, likely to be an injector. Had to strip it down and order in parts. Hopefully have it back tomorrow if not Wednesday. It’s probably gonna wipe me out again money wise so the relief of the cost of living payment is short lived. It’s a good job I got the car cheap in the first place.

[SJW180]

I don’t even know why I bother. I keep pushing myself to do stuff, to get out of the house, to be sociable, to try and help myself but starting to wonder if any of it is worth it? The less people I have in my life the better cos it’s less people to hurt or to get hurt by. I don’t need friends in my life, they only complicate things. I decided to live the single life without a man and I’m doing just fine on my own there so why not go a step further and go back to being a hermit? Was life really so bad then or was I just convinced by others that it was? The further away from people I am the better all round.

[OldMike]

I used to think like that, I don't need people but in later life I've found life better when I mix with people at lunch etc.

[SJW180]

Yeah but Mike, you don’t piss people off constantly just by being yourself. The worse my mental health gets the harder it is for me to “play nicely” with others and apparently my feelings get trumped by everyone else cos regardless of their actions to create the situation that leads to me saying or doing something that they then consider inappropriate it’s easier to blame me for everything and make me the bad guy.

Here’s an example that happened yesterday. I met with a fairly new Aspie friend in the pub for breakfast. For some reason I started to feel a bit uncomfortable in our surroundings but couldn’t put my finger on the cause of it. I told this friend that I was feeling quite agitated so she was aware. Anyway, this person is really not backwards when it comes to setting her boundaries and expectations of adjustments that she needs and it wasn’t until after she left I even realised what had happened. As we were talking she asked me to “stop swinging your leg, I can see it in the corner of my eye and it’s annoying me”. I apologised the crossed my ankles to stop me doing it. This sounds like I’m making a big deal over something of nothing but it’s actually a pretty big deal. This person who understands the difficulties I have because she has them too literally shut down something that was soothing for me because it was annoying. She expects everyone else to pander to her needs but because my actions impacted her, her feelings trumped mine and I was left dealing with a level of distress and she did not care about me.

This happens time and time again. People are so quick to get upset over something I do or say but take no responsibility for how their reaction, which may or may not be justified, impacts on me. I have feeling too and those feeling are valid. I have needs which and so often cruelly ignored because it seems irrelevant or annoying to someone else and I’m pretty much sick of apologising to everybody else for things that I shouldn’t have to apologise for and more often than not it’s me who deserves the apology for being oppressed. I do my best to treat others the way I expect to be treated but it’s the people closest to me who fail me. I’m sick of being kicked around and then having to apologise for being in the way. I don’t deserve this.

[SJW180]

It’s been a rough few days. I was supposed to go out Friday and Saturday night but ended up staying home all weekend. Friday night my stomach wasn’t great so was in bed early. Saturday I stayed in and had a few drinks at home instead of risking going out and being ill. Was up all night watching Harry Potter movies as I couldn’t sleep. I slept all day yesterday as a result. This morning I had the best intentions to try and whip this house into shape on my own and it started well but in no time at all I felt so drained. I wanted to get so much done and I feel so upset for not getting very far. I still meant to do things but the idea of doing it makes me wanna breakdown in tears. I hate feeling this way. Any sense of achievement is overpowered by an even bigger feeling of failure. I just want a normal life.

[Paula]

Perhaps you need to focus more on ‘I’ll whip this table into shape’ than the whole house

[SJW180]

I’m trying to but even the smaller jobs feel too much. I’m not in a good place right now. If I’m honest I’m stending more and more time on my own and when I am dragging myself out to be around people I just want to be left alone. I went to a mental health support group Thursday evening. After 1hr 45mins I was done. Couldn’t wait to go home and get into bed. I’m not showered in still in the same clothes from Thursday. I’m at a point where every big push to do little things seems to be setting me back instead of pulling me out of this lull. I want to feel better, and I keep trying to help myself cos the support sure as hell ain’t there. I got a letter from mental health services a week last Friday. After asking for help on the 18 July, the day I left hospital, I’ve had 2 telephone calls since, the last on 7th September to try and get me the right kinda help. Nobody had the answer so each time I was passed to a different team. Finally a multi disciplinary team reviewed my situation on 1st November, and they “feel that we are not the appropriate service to offer you additional psychological support at this current time”. Apparently, having reviewed my care records I have had “significant psychological intervention previously” and they have nothing else to offer. Instead they suggest Moodmasters course and bereavement counselling.

So basically, keep taking the meds and stop bothering the NHS cos that’s all I’m getting. After so many years of excuses and being passed around I should’ve learned by now that nobody cares.

[SJW180]

Just on the off chance anyone chooses to read this, everything is shit! My head is a mess, my heart hurts cos of all the loss, and I can’t keep doing this. I keep wearing that mask with a happy face painted on, I tell jokes and post fun comments online and I keep doing all the things I’m supposed to do to get well and feel better but inside I’m not just broken, I’m shattered. It feels like most, if not all of the people I care about most, don’t give a shit about my existence. I could drop dead tonight and who would really mourn me in the morning? I would go to the ends of the earth for others but I’m nothing to the people I love. I’m not needed or wanted and the pain that brings is immense. I can’t go on being ignored, shunned and laughed at.