The Black Sheep

[SJW180]

Seeing this account hasn’t been taken down already I guess it’s save to start a thread of my own. I know a lot of you here are angry with me and I get it. The one thing I am good at is destroying relationships and hurting the ones I love, especially when I’m hurting myself. All I can do is say I’m sorry. I don’t expect any interaction, I just need a place to rant, get things off my chest.

I’ve not been in a good place for quite a while and was to scared to do what I’ve done here, set up a new account, because I felt like I needed permission somehow. For someone to say it was ok. I waited too long and now this forum as a gaping Suzi shaped hole in it. I don’t know if DWD can survive without her cos she was the one who breathed life into this place. I may not have always agreed with her methods but I could never doubt her dedication and how important it was for her to help others even when so often she was the one who needed help. I always hoped that somehow I could find a way to patch things up with you all, I don’t expect your forgiveness but or friendship but I just don’t want to be resented. Put everything behind us and move forward even if that meant going in different directions.

DWD is a family, and every family has a black sheep. I suppose that’s me.

[SJW180]

Another night of crying myself to sleep. I have a christening to attend at lunchtime but I really don’t feel up to it. At the same time I don’t want to let them down by not attending so I will have to go. It feels wrong to be celebrating right now. I can’t get over the fact that someone so young, someone so good is no longer with us. If I could trade places so she could be back with her family I’d do it in a heartbeat. She had so much to offer the world.

[SJW180]

This morning I learned that another friend has passed away. 2 deaths in 3 days and both of of them in their 40s. I guess it true, only the good die young. Maybe destined to be the last man standing. Watching and those that I love leave while I’m left grieving alone. I remember a long time ago I posted on this forum about how I expected my funeral to be quiet cos nobody would come to say goodbye. I didn’t thing for one minute I’d be the one mourning the loss of those I care about.

[Strugglingmum]

Mourning deeply is the cost of loving deeply.
Sorry for your loss

[SJW180]

Thanks SM. It sure does make you realise just how fragile life is. This has been a really tough week.
I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. So many thoughts and feelings, many contracting each other. It’s like a rollercoaster ride where every turn leads to a different memory trigging a different emotion. I find it difficult at the best of times to process things as easily as others and right now I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I know it’s not a pleasant feeling lying on a pillow drenched in tears. I get frustrated because I want everything to be logical, to make sense but….

[SJW180]

Today is not a good day. I managed a couple of hours sleep this afternoon. It’s better than nothing. At 7pm tonight I was ready to to drink enough booze to drown me while watching trashy tv and listening the depressing music. Instead I’m currently sat drinking Strawberry Lemonade and watching Great Expectations. I made the right choice this time. It would be so easy to crack open a bottle, give into temptation but then I ask myself WWSS? The answer would be don’t drink, take your meds, talk about it. The first two are easy. The latter not so much. My words won’t make a bit of difference cos there is nobody to hear them. Nobody to offer compassion or understanding. There’s nobody to care.

[Strugglingmum]

Well done on making good choices.
You say nobody cares but you had lots of people showing they care on your fb posts.

[SJW180]

I had a great big long post written out and deleted it because by talking about things here is something I just can’t do. DWD was once a vibrant little community where everyone supported each other regardless of their own troubles. I genuine hope that it can get back to that again soon. For Suzi’s legacy to live on.

[Paula]

Im sorry you feel like that. I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I’m finding it almost impossible to cope with my own grief, never mind anyone else’s. And yes, I know it’s my responsibility, but I’m struggling with my mental health and even the bare minimum of life is almost impossible. Suzi’s legacy will live on, but it’s been less than a week and it’s going to take time, so all members will have to be as kind to others as they expect us to be to them

[SJW180]

Im sorry you feel like that. I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I’m finding it almost impossible to cope with my own grief, never mind anyone else’s. And yes, I know it’s my responsibility, but I’m struggling with my mental health and even the bare minimum of life is almost impossible. Suzi’s legacy will live on, but it’s been less than a week and it’s going to take time, so all members will have to be as kind to others as they expect us to be to them

Paula I completely understand that I want to be there for you and everyone else here who loved Suzi. I don’t see it as being solely your responsibility either so please don’t put that pressure on yourself. Suzi has played a huge role in the lives of everyone here so of course you are struggling. We all are which is why it’s so important that we are there for each other. This forum was built on peer support. I know several you have issues with me and don’t expect that to suddenly change. Trust is built, trust is earned. All I can say is that I care deeply about the people here that I came to call friends and I want to be there for you as much as I need to be around people who understand just how special Suzi was and how she impacted our lives.