And breathe…..

[Stella180]

Trust me I’ve had a lifetime of people not understanding me and people really don’t like to hear the truth especially if it’s not a positive statement. I’m rude, loud, obnoxious, annoying etc. I’m not the person to ask “does my bum look big in this?” Cos if it does I will tell you. That makes me unpopular. That and other things.

There are so many people that I have upset one way or another I just don’t think anyone would care that I was gone. I won’t be missed.

[Suzi]

I don't think that would be the case at all.... And you can be totally blunt without it coming across as rude or nasty...

[Stella180]

My BS tolerance levels were extremely low today much to the amusement of a friend. I’m the person who simply says what everyone else is thinking but too scared to say out loud and I give zero f@cks baca use I can deal with facts but not emotions today. If you needed a shoulder to cry on, mine was not the one you would want to settle for. Still I didn’t have a bad day, hanging out with Aspie friends was cool. Even if it did involve sitting in the pub most of the day. It was a lot of peopling when I wasn’t in the best head space to play nicely with others but I survived without upsetting anyone too badly.

Tomorrow I have football but I haven’t organised my kit and the cleaners are coming for the first time in over a month and there is a ton of stuff I need to do to start making myself more comfortable in my own home again. Being away so much last month lead to me not wanting to be home. When I say everything got neglected over that time is no exaggeration. My routine was turned on it’s head and i don’t know how to describe it but I’m kinda scared of getting back on track while also being desperate to have that normality again. It’s the journey between here and there that is sort of overwhelming. That probably makes very little sense to you I feel like I’m so behind with everything and it doesn’t help that yesterday I was due to give blood but it was cancelled due to “vehicle problems” which threw me off a bit. Also after finally making the appointments for a blood test and asthma check up that I had been putting off, I got phone call today to say they had to reschedule my appointment tomorrow and now can’t get me in until 19th Sept. So many little things like my footy kit, and the cancellations seem like massive disruptions and further emphasis the lack of structure in my life at the moment. I have so many things in my head it’s like I’m in this packed crowd getting barged around while trying to find my way out. I get overwhelmed by the simple things and then I just shut down and can’t face anything which makes it worse but don’t have any control over it and it’s a vicious cycle I can’t get out of without help.

[Mattypompy]

I totally understand and empathise with your last paragraph. I often go through similar cycles myself. Then, when one shuts down and is useless, it makes you feel more guilt and worthlessness which exacerbates those exact feelings. I'm going to be assessed for Aspergers soon, as a random side note..

[Paula]

I wouldn’t say I’m scared to say what needs to be said - I just try very hard to be kind in the way I say it. I don’t always succeed but it’s important to me that I don’t cause pain. My dad always used to say that it’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it.

As for structure in your life, I hope that today, with the cleaners coming, will be the start of getting that structure back

[Suzi]

Paula, my Dad used to say the same thing. It's something I've always tried to remember and to implement. Again, I "say it as I see it," but it doesn't have to be confrontational, or come across as rude or sharp - I hope that comes across...

Hope having the cleaners back starts to get things back for you lovely. I also totally understand about things becoming too much when one thing slides....

[Stella180]

I'm going to be assessed for Aspergers soon, as a random side note..

Not as random as you may think, I'm on the spectrum too

[Stella180]

I managed to go back to hockey today and use my new stick for the first time since I bought it a month ago. I was feeling a bit stiff this morning and wasn’t sure if it was a good idea but once I started playing felt better was it. Admittedly I struggled a bit after but it was worth it to get out and do something I enjoy. I met a friend after for a drink and a game of darts. My shoulder is still giving me grief and I have physio tomorrow (oops, today). My exercises were one of the things I had let slip and not done as often as I should so only myself to blame for the lack of progress and the inevitable bollocking I’m going to get.

I don’t even know why I’m bothering to share these things with you all here. Truth is I have nobody else to tell about my day and moan about how crappy things are and I just wanna get it all out. I don’t expect anyone to give a crap or even respond and that’s ok. I wouldn’t be interested in any of this if I wasn’t living it. It seems a lot has changed in recent months. The world keeps turning and I’m stumbling around not knowing which direction to go and constantly screwing things up. I don’t know where my place is anymore or what my purpose is.

[Paula]

When have we not responded? Of course we give a crap…..

Well done for getting to hockey (and socialising) - that’s a huge win. You’ve done so much recently that it’d be easy to allow exercise to continue to slide, especially as you were sore.

[Suzi]

I completely agree with Paula. We've never not responded or not cared....

I hope that your physio goes well today.