And breathe…..

[Suzi]

I'm in a similar position to Paula. I'm so snowed under and been feeling so crap that actually I haven't even had time to do much. When I am sitting down pacing I'm struggling to focus...

[Stella180]

You guys have valid issues and I get it but what’s my sisters excuse? What about other local friends? Everybody all has too much going on to drop me a text? A 5 min chat? I’m wondering is what you call loyalty is really stupidity? Trusting the wrong people and calling them friends while I’m too blind to see that they give a toss about me.

[magie06]

All friendships go through highs and lows. No one ever knows what is going on behind closed doors. Hell no one knows what's going on in someone's head unless they tell you. One thing I do know, everyone has crap to deal with. Some times, our own crap can seem like the worst in the world, other times, all our ducks are in a row. A lot of time, our own lives are so crappy we just need to take a step back, and just breathe. Very rarely, our crap and other people crap happen at the very same time, and it can feel like no one cares. They probably do, but just don't have the energy to deal with anyone else.

[Suzi]

Your sister has never been good at communication with you. I don't think it's that she doesn't care, just that it doesn't cross her mind - I've been guilty of that with my own siblings too... Your local friends? I have no idea, I haven't met them. Lee? Too pissed to think about anything bur alcohol from what you've said, the others? I don't know....
There is no magic answer- Magie is right though so much stuff goes on behind closed doors/in heads that it's hard to understand unless it's you going through and dealing with it...

[Stella180]

Today has been a disappointment because…people.

I decided to go out and treat myself to breakfast at Toby carvery, the main thing I craved was bacon and tinned tomatoes. I got there and they were closed with construction workers around. So I went instead to the Harvester over the road. I ordered my breakfast with unlimited toast and decaf coffee. The guy serving me was not very friendly and English not his first language he fetches we toast and coffee failing to tell me where to refill, didn’t even get a choice of preserves. The tomatoes I craved turned out to be the tiniest half of a grilled tomato which was a major disappointment. As soon as I finest my food he took everything away including the coffee cup which didn’t get a chance to be refilled. I wasn’t in the mood to argue so asked for the bill and left. I went to Malvern to have a browse around the retail park. Couldn’t find anything I wanted and went to get a milkshake from McD’s. There was a queue so I popped to the toilet first. When I came out I see a sign. Yep, machine was down, no milkshakes or McFlurrys. More disappointment. I thought I’d get my hair cut on the way back so stopped at the cash point. Two ATMs, one out of order, the other offering services for not dispensing cash. I eventually find some cash to pay for my hair cut which is way too short but it’ll grow. I get back into town and stop at Spoons for a nice cold Lime and soda and just chill out with my earbuds in. I get a drink, sit down and some dude decides he wants to sit and chat. It is so hard to be sociable and polite when you just want to be alone to do your own thing. Twice he said “I’ll finish this one and I’m going home” and I kept waiting for that to happen so I could enough a quite drink and the air con alone but nooooo, so I made an excuse and came home.

This past week has been a real struggle and I’m trying to get back on my feet but these minor inconveniences one after another has just dragged me down further. Tomorrow is Jason’s funeral, the guy from Aspie who died during the last heatwave a couple of weeks ago. Typically I received an email yesterday saying the washing machine engineer would be with me on Friday but couldn’t confirm the time until on the day so I don’t even know if I will be able to make it. It really does feel like the universe is going out of its way to make my life harder and prevent me from getting back up.

[Paula]

Are you going to the funeral, love?

[Stella180]

Washing machine guy has been and gone so yeah I should go. Might have an extra hours kip first cos I feel knackered.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you are getting the chance to go to the funeral love.

[Stella180]

It was interesting in so many ways. I was 5 mins late due to a clothing malfunction. Basically I can’t dress myself in a rush. Jason was a difficult person to get on with at times and much like myself his humour was often misunderstood and his bluntness rarely appreciated but what do you expect from an Aspie? The turn out was impressive taking those things into consideration. About 10 of us from Aspie were there and a lot of his friends from church. His parents live in Scotland and were too frail to travel which is a shame but his kids were there his fiancée and his brother. Despite his complicated relationship with his ex wife and kids which was mentioned repeatedly (not sure that was necessary) there were some lovely words spoken and generally the service for rather upbeat and probably the cheeriest I’d ever attended which was really nice.

It got me thinking, with him being such a complex character and having the same super power as me (can piss anyone off without effort or understanding how) and he had so many people attend and give him a great send off, I wonder how many people that I knew would bother to attend my funeral when I go. I can’t imagine many would make the effort to travel or take time out to say their goodbyes or good riddance.

[Suzi]

Ahh, but being diagnosed with Aspie doesn't mean bluntness which comes across as something to not be appreciated....

Why wouldn't people want to come to yours?