And breathe…..

[Stella180]

I’m supposed to be going to Sheffield for boxing tomorrow with a friend and I really wanted to go but I don’t think realistically I can do it. For christs sake just trying to pick up the towels and clothes on the bathroom floor and put it in the washing machine is reducing me to tears so a 5hr round trip and 8 hrs at the event isn’t an option. I don’t wanna let my mate down after she arranged tickets for us but I just can’t do it.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. I’m hungry but I feel sick, I don’t want to be stuck in this house but I don’t have the energy to go anywhere.

[Suzi]

It's not simple, but it is essential...

[Stella180]

So I managed to sort a couple of weeks of meds out yesterday as I was getting in such a mess with them. Today I managed to call the hospital about the faulty CPAP. It switches itself off and resets during the night, I noticed when I was struggling to sleep a few nights ago. My chest hasn’t been good for a few weeks, since the few days of crazy high temperatures. Extreme heat can cause me problems with my asthma but now I know that the faulty machine has been exaggerating the issue cos it makes breathing harder if wearing the mask when the machine reboots. Gotta pick up a new one tomorrow.

I went out for a bit earlier but didn’t stay out for long. People kept trying to talk to me but I just wanted to be left alone. I feel so… lost. I don’t know where I stand with people and It’s so hard. I know I say and do the wrong things sometimes but I’ve got some people ignoring me, I’ve got other pointing why I’m the asshole and not understanding that I have feelings too. I don’t mean to cause upset and when I do it hurts me more that you know. I’m so confused right now about who my friends are, who doesn’t want me around and who is just hanging around cos they want something. I think I have an idea but if I say something and I’m wrong I’ll be even more screwed than I am now. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? It’s a balancing act I’ve never been good at and it messes with my head and my heart.

[Paula]

Well done for sorting your meds and the CPAP. Did you watch the closing ceremony tonight?

[Stella180]

I did and really enjoyed it although it made me sad cos that’s officially the end of my summer of sport. That dancer with the one leg was pretty epic.

[Suzi]

Well done for sorting the CPAP and your meds, I know that both can be really difficult to deal with.
Sorry you're struggling with friend relationships. You are right they are really complicated and don't come with a step by step guide to sorting them out.

[Stella180]

Who are my real friends? Do I actually have any who just like me for who I am? Why is it always down to me to stay in touch when my phone only rings when someone wants something? When I make a mistake I have to beg for forgiveness but when it’s the other way around it’s dismissed as me making a big deal out of nothing. If you’ve done something to hurt me it’s not nothing. I have feelings too. You all point out here about my “loyalty” but is that what it is or just plain stupidity cos no one seems to show any kind of commitment to me. I try my best every day to be a better person but where does it get me? My own family don’t even want to know. I’m sick and tired of feeling so damned lonely, it’s like nobody really knows me or even cares. I’m so far down the list of priorities in the lives of people I care about I may as well not be on it at all. Why do I bother when it’s so one sided all the time. If only one person could show me I mean something to them, for someone to care about me the way I do them. I’m so damned confused right now and I have no idea where I stand anymore. All I know is it really hurts to care deeply for other people who would rather I wasn’t around.

[Suzi]

I don't have any magic answers for any of that... I'm glad you're getting it out of your head though. Are you having any counselling atm?

[Paula]

Are you sure it’s that nobody cares, or is it that we all have our own issues to deal with? For instance, I’ve been unable to keep up with even my closest friends, what with feeling so ill with pain plus the stress we are all under with my father in law being seriously ill. My friends understand and don’t hate me for it

[Stella180]

No. It all ended a few weeks ago.