So low. Don't know what to do...

[Mattypompy]

I agree with Paula, it might really help to talk about things, but only if you want to and are up to it.

Have you heard from your sister at all?

Hi Suzi,

Specifics incidents are that I did graduate but feel perhaps8 should have done a further degree. Also I quit Uni twice before that as I didn't like the course and was going out socialising too much. I've had a couple of good jobs which I quit after a few months also due to depression. I feel some shame and guilt about that but I was genuinely mentally unwell.

I was out with my two sisters last night which was OK, but one of them, that I'm trying to cut off, was emotionally abusive and bullying towards me with a couple of comments. After I asked her not to.I feel abused. The reason I went out was that I was seeing both of them. I wouldn't have met the abusive one on her own at the moment.

I just seem incredibly sensitive to any slight she makes and endlessly ruminate.

I think I just have to have a long break from her and clear my head. Just maybe send the odd neutral text.
I'm very socially isolated, have social anxiety and feel really lonely. I don't know what to do. I'm on a caffeine crash too.

I'm sitting here in the dark and I cannot stop ruminating about negative things. I feel awful.

Thank you



Matt

[Suzi]

I don't see anything in that which is a failure because you did the things that were right for you at that time. I think you need to try to be kinder to yourself regarding that.

Your sister really does seem like a toxic person to have in your life....

[Mattypompy]

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I guess you're right. My self esteem is so low that I don't feel I'm entitled to any self compassion. He's she is toxic, that's the word I used to her. I'm cutting her off now, she's dominating my ruminative thoughts. I just contacted the GP, I think I need a short supply of anti anxiety meds if they can help me, I'm on the edge of a panic attack.

Thanks

[Suzi]

But you do deserve to be kind to yourself. Is that something you can try to build into your day? It doesn't have to be huge, but maybe something like sitting and playing a favourite song, going for a walk, enjoying a cup of tea.... etc...

[Paula]

Suzi’s right, of course you deserve kindness and compassion. I do think it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor, love

[Mattypompy]

Thanks guys. Yes, self loathing is definitely one of the symptoms of depression in my opinion. This all comes back to low self esteem too and it can become a habit. I'm doing some cbt online with the help of a counsellor. I've done many courses over the years. Have just been reading about self compassion.

Hopefully the GP will get in touch today or tomorrow, I've filled out a form...

[Suzi]

Good, I'm glad...

What have you done for self care today? For example my daughter has dyed my hair for me as I'm struggling atm, it was lovely and it was time she spent with me - super special atm as she's about to leave for uni in around 6 weeks...

My son made me a lovely hot chocolate this morning and is cooking dinner for me. My youngest gave me a huge hug! All these things are really wonderful and make me feel special. The fact that I'm allowing them to do these kind of things for me is something I've had to work on massively over the last while....

[Mattypompy]

Good, I'm glad...

What have you done for self care today? For example my daughter has dyed my hair for me as I'm struggling atm, it was lovely and it was time she spent with me - super special atm as she's about to leave for uni in around 6 weeks...

My son made me a lovely hot chocolate this morning and is cooking dinner for me. My youngest gave me a huge hug! All these things are really wonderful and make me feel special. The fact that I'm allowing them to do these kind of things for me is something I've had to work on massively over the last while....

Ahh yes, I remember leaving for Uni, it was pretty stressful.

Definitely seems like you got some excellent quality moments in with your kids today. That is great.

The Dr got back to me quite quick. Processed a prescription for me, I'll pick up tomorrow. I made myself a decent meal and forced myself outside and sat at the beach for a while watching some swimmers and the wind farm.

Tomorrow I have my final cbt counsellor contact, then I'm off to house sit some animals for a week.

I'll cover the issue with my sister when I'm feeling stronger emotionally, next week. And make it a conclusive outcome. She stops, judge her on her actions or we have a distant 'civil' relationship but I will leave no doubt where the responsibility lies. She's an accomplished manipulator.

Hooe your struggles abate...

[Suzi]

Sounds like you did manage some self care yesterday, that's brilliant. I hope you can bring it in on a daily basis.
I'm really glad that your Dr sorted a prescription so fast.

Being blunt you've tried giving her ultimatums before and she's only lasted a short time. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but what's going to make her change this time?

[Mattypompy]

Hi Suzi, thanks for the selfless kind input as ever. I totally agree with what you've said about her. There's crystal clarity of my position. We're adults not children. There's a darkness in her that she projects onto me. I'm going to pare back any interaction with her significantly, just be civil.

If i'm in her company and she starts again, I've told her, I'll just get up and leave.

The last couple of weeks I've been constantly really low and always anxious as I am now. I upped a dose of Vortioxetine, a new med, and its made me feel awful so I'm weaning myself of it.

I'm finally seeing an NHS psychiatrist in 8 days, for new treatment. I feel so awful, my negative self talk is incessant from waking until I go to sleep, I can't stop it.

I have my SAD light on at the moment and am being physically healthy, just completed a cbt course, doing mindfulness and nothing is working.

I'm bereft of ideas and feel absolutely horrendous.

I don't know what to do..