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Thread: My New Reality

  1. #51
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Paula's post is spot on.
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  2. #52
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    Paula, I know that you are right and my dear mother was the same - a divorced woman with a child (with me). But I am not talking about normal divorced women with a child. It is about divorced men - I was told they can occasionally sleep with their ex wives or these ex (not all!) can use manipulation against the new woman or manipulation through children.

    I don't know.

    I want your general opinion.
    If you have a choice, either dating a divorced man with a child or a man much younger than you (9-14), who would you choose?

    Let's say, the last one can leave too, but he has no previous connections and engagements. What is your opinion?

  3. #53
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    James is separated. He has 2 children. His estranged wife was horrible to him. She belittled him, verbally, mentally and physically abused him, and has used signing the divorce papers as an attempt to regain the control she lost when she realised he didn't want to fix things between them. It hasn't worked as he's waiting until the divorce laws change and she no longer has a choice. She has tried to use the children to control him but it hasn't worked as he immediately went to a solicitor for advice. I'm sure some divorced men do sleep with their ex wives, but I bet they're in a minority. James can't stand his ex, he stayed because he was scared of her and scared of not seeing his children. Meeting me again made him realise that how he was being treated at home wasn't normal. Divorced men can have trauma in their past. Or they can be like a friend of mine, who realised they were better off as friends. He helps his ex raise their son and helps look after the children she has with her fiancé when they need childcare. They're best friends but nothing more.

    Things should be judged on individual merits, not on sweeping generalisations.
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

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  5. #54
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I think Jaq's right. This isn't a case where one thing covers everyone. I know people who have divorced for lots of different reasons, I know where people have broken up for other reasons. One of my friends broke up with her long term partner (of around 18 years) and he still sees both his children and helps provide for them. Another one who is currently divorcing him and he hasn't even called the children since he left...
    Both men and women cheat - it doesn't mean that it's going to happen because they are divorced. Whether they cheat has nothing to do with that.

    I do worry about some of the generalisations you have had installed in you....

    You need to meet someone and fall in love because they are the right person for you. It doesn't matter if they are male/female/non binary or white/dark/blue or Christian/Hindu/Pastafarian What is important is that they treat you with love, honour and respect. That's what matters....
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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  7. #55
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    I know and the stereotypes that had been around me since my early age definitely still affect me.

  8. #56
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I can understand that, but love you have to see that they are wrong and make your own life choices. For example I grew up in a very racist and homophobic household.
    I could have followed in these ways, but I didn't. I know that the colour of your skin doesn't define someone and that love is love and as long as it's consensual then that's all good - helpful, because growing up "not straight" in that kind of house was really tough...

    Make your choices lovely, base them on what you know, not what ghosts are telling you.
    Last edited by Suzi; 25-10-21 at 10:46 AM.
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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  10. #57
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    I am feeling a bit upset.
    I have booked this Sunday a flight to Paris, feeling happy that finally I can visit it.

    This evening my dad has called me, he seemed upset, his voice was trembling. He said his mother is probably dying and it is probably his destiny to remain alone (and he is in his late sixties!), but still he does not want to remain alone. I told him we can always talk and I can visit him next year.

    My religious friend told me I must change my flight and going there for him. And he can feel lost or start drinking...Well, maybe she is a good Christian and it is her point.
    I am feeling somehow triggered and troubled, I am feeling sorry for him, but I got used to living alone...I mean maybe one day the right man will come into my life, but I am satisfied with my current situation. I don't know, maybe I am not right, but he was not either when he wanted me to mortgage my flat and leave everything behind.

    He told it is hard for him to see her living her last days, her weakness, her wounds at her age of 93.
    Well, the death topic triggers me a lot, I become extremely anxious. And then I told him yes, it is true, but he also must think where my heart had been when my mum died in front of me and the other dear persons from my family. He said yes, he can get it, but he has been passing through harsh moments.

  11. #58
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hunni, your Dad always seems to know what things to say to try to get you to do what he wants you to - to move to be with him. You have the choices to make as to whether you want to see him, or your grandmother, or not. You've said in the past that you think that if you were to go to his house then he would make it difficult for you to leave and he'd try to make you sell your home and move in to look after him.
    You've also said that he doesn't treat you very nicely at all...

    It's your choice, but hunni you've had times when your family/friend haven't said nice things about you or to you. It's time to live your life and to go where you want and do what you want!
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  12. #59
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hunni, if your dad will be alone, that will be down to HIS choices, the way he’s lived HIS life. Please don’t make the mistake of giving up YOUR life for him. Whatever you do has to be YOUR choice, not his.
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

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  14. #60
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    My father has called me today and told me that his mother died. He cried so much. He told me he knows that it is incomparable with my tragedy, but he is feeling lost alone, because he passed his whole life only with her.
    I am deeply sorry for him, but I am not attached to him and unwilling to live with him.

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