Hi. Its me again. Sorry if this turns out to be a long post
Im feeling quilty for having these feelings when there is sooooo much suffering in the world now. However I am going to see if there is a local collection point for the refugees as I can't help thinking how awful life is for them now and I want to do something to help even if little.

I'm not doing too well at the moment. I am almost at the end of my CBT. Already had 12 sessions and have 3 left. We have been exploring self esteem which is really low for me. I've written down some thoughts to hopefully share at my next session. Although it is helping me find the positive qualities in my life, I just don't feel that it is helping me to feel any better about myself. I know that I an a kind a caring person. I know that I will go out of my way to help people and make people feel better if I can. I know this because I have been volunteering for over 10 years with people with learning and physical disabilities and I have gained so much from this. I will always try to make sure my family are happy and cared for etc. However I am forgetting about myself. I am not making myself happy. I feel miserable. CBT has not yet helped me to like myself which is what I want to bring up at the session. Physically I feel repulsed by myself. I know that sounds harsh but it's how I feel. I'm in daily pain suffering from chronic migraines, headaches, TMJD, neck and shoulder pain and currently investigating if I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia. Over the years I've tried so many different medications and at the moment every time I take them I ask myself what is the point because they are not making myself feel any better. I'm currently on duloxetine 90mg, nortriptyline 60mg, metoprolol 100mg and carbamazine 200mg, symbicort 400mg and salbutamol when needed. I take strongest cocodamol twice a week as I'm not allowed to have more. Ive had one session of medical Botox and next one in next month and I've had 3 sessions so far of accupunture. I'm trying to help myself but nothing is helping. I've put on 3 stone in the past 18 months and gone up at least 2 dress sizes. I don't feel good about myself and feel upset when looking in the mirror. I feel physically unfit and get out of breath easily. I feel I only have myself to blame for the way I am. I've been binge eating alot mainly for comfort. I've now got to the point that I don't want to socialise or see people because I know what they are thinking. I couldn't bring myself to go with DH to visit his family last week as they would probably get a shock to see me as havent seen me in two years. Im avoiding making arrangements with friends and I don't even go supermarket shopping anymore. I don't want to see anyone. Work I have no choice but even there I'm feeling paranoid of what everyone thinks. I'm going to work because I have to and hopefully to help people out.
I feel I am just existing for others but not myself. This is not me. If it wasn't for these others then Im not sure I would still be here. I feel desperately unhappy but feel so guilty for these feelings like I said at the beginning. I don't want to exist like this anymore. But I feel stuck and don't know how to pull myself out of it. I'm sorry again for the long post.