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Thread: Enough is enough, I'm emotionally trapped

  1. #1

    Enough is enough, I'm emotionally trapped

    Hey there folks.

    I have had an enduring problem with an abusive sister for years.

    Unfortunately, this is another episode that is affecting my MH, namely anxiety and depression. Have you ever experienced anxiety about something specific, and the same cyclical ruminating thoughts are there as soon as you wake? That's what I had today,

    So the background is we were getting on reasonably well for a few weeks. Went to London started drinking when the football tournament started. She asked me to put a bet on for her, on my phone for Italy to win. She said she saw confirmation and we were both drunk. I swear it was Italy, she even quoted the odds that were correct on the betting slip in the betting history.

    Anyway the bet was on Portugal for some reason. Needless to say Italy won and the winnings were £96. Now she's launched a campaign of bullying with demands via email. It's really stressing me. I keep my word on personal agreements but this was a silly drunken honest mistake. I know for a fact if the roles were reversed I'd be irritated for a day max and if she offered to say go for s meal or something would forgive and accept it was a mistake. Not with this person, oh no. She instantly blocked me on WhatsApp and laughed abuse. I thought she was joking at first and said just accept the error, as I would have. This was 10 days ago and she still hasn't changed her position. I've returned the stake already.

    It's difficult to get an objective independent view but I don't know what to do. She's always she doesn't care about money, hence why I thought she'd just forgive and learn a lesson. Ultimately though, she asked someone else to bet for them, when both drunk, and said she saw confirmation and was happy. I think she bears partial responsibility.

    I am minded to meet her half way and reimbursed half, as I know if I do exactly what she wants she'll use it as an emotional victory which she also wants. The threat is the end of our relationship if I don't cough up everything. She's engaged in demanding money with menaces I believe. Two of her messages;

    "I asked you to put it on as I don’t have an online account, if I’d known you’re so incompetent I’d have found a bookies. I asked you the Italy odds, you said 9.6 and I asked you to stick a tenner on Italy. Quite simple. And you said you’d done it. And you made sure I transferred the tenner to you that night. Come Sunday night, I want my money in my account, either way, or we’re gonna fall out big time. Blocking you on here now as I’m too pissed off with you."

    "Well it’s non-negotiable for me, to make this right you need to 1. Apologise for your unwarranted nasty arrogant attitude last week and 2. Pay over my winnings & stake.
    It’s not up for debate, I’ve made my position crystal clear, ball’s in your court now. I’ll leave it with you."

    Incidentally she never apologises for any of the abuse she subjects me to, ever.

    I must add that, I'm socially isolated have no male friends to chat to and feel vulnerable to stressors. I think I rely on her as a proxy mate so am a little dependent.

    Don't know how to deal with it, give in or stick to a middle way. Really causing low mood.

    Thank you for reading.

  2. #2
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Oh love it sounds like a horrible situation. If she saw it and was happy with it then so be it...

    I wouldn't be able to pay the winning amount to her so it would just be tough luck!
    Hunni, she really is a huge trigger for you. Have you ever thought about having specific counselling to help with your relationship?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    Oh love it sounds like a horrible situation. If she saw it and was happy with it then so be it...

    I wouldn't be able to pay the winning amount to her so it would just be tough luck!
    Hunni, she really is a huge trigger for you. Have you ever thought about having specific counselling to help with your relationship?
    Hey Suzi my lovely, thanks for the reply.

    She would never engage in counselling. She's needed therapy for decades for her anger, mistrust, cynicism and other things, but she's in denial and thinks there's nothing wrong with her. Pretty sure she's a diagnosable narcissist. She thinks she's superior, never takes responsibility for anything and never apologises.

    She used to have our mum in tears, when she was alive, shouting at her and abusing her. She used to bully me physically until I was stronger than her, no it's emotional. Undermining self esteem etc. There's no bone of forgiveness in her. Hard as nails but deeply unhappy and projecting.

    She's even going to miss our sisters birthday over this spat, she's 50 yrs old!

    Xx

  4. #4
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    You can have relationship counselling on your own to help you to unravel some of what's been happening and how things are for you and what's in your head. Relate can do this, as I'm sure others can too. It's definitely worth thinking about.

    Hunni, is this pain worth it? Could things be easier if you cut her out completely? Is that an option?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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    Mattypompy (29-07-21)

  6. #5
    Guardian of the North and kipper holder Angie's Avatar
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    Sweetheart the thing is the only money that she is without is the £10 for the bet isn't she? as the team bet on did not win, but saying that her behaviour to you is appalling.

    Are there any hobbies that you like that are sociable? pool or darts etc where you can meet people and are therefore not dependant on her?
    I do agree with Suzi is this pain worth it, you have to put yourself and your health first.
    If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means keep moving.
    Quote by Martin Luther King JR

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    Mattypompy (29-07-21)

  8. #6
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    You can definitely have relationship counselling on your own - I went to Relate after my marriage broke up and it helped me immensely
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  9. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Angie View Post
    Sweetheart the thing is the only money that she is without is the £10 for the bet isn't she? as the team bet on did not win, but saying that her behaviour to you is appalling.

    Are there any hobbies that you like that are sociable? pool or darts etc where you can meet people and are therefore not dependant on her?
    I do agree with Suzi is this pain worth it, you have to put yourself and your health first.


    Thank you Angie and you other marvellous ladies. Apologies most earnestly for the tardiness. I've been pretty low, unproductive and withdrawn. Having said that I do feel a bit better mood wise. When I first dropped this thread I didn't want to wake in the morning. No I'm trying to push through 5he days doing at least one positive task a day.

    On reflection and thinking about my sisters reaction to this ludicrous bet and the emotional consequences for me, I need to probably give her a wide birth. She won't change and it's not my job to do facilitate that. I'm considering therapy, for reactive depression, I can get some via a health insurer I have. I was also considering an increase in ADS but will hold fire for now.

    In the end I paid her half the bet winnings sent an email explaining my reasoning and she said she read one line and deleted it.



    Your contribution helped a lot. I hope the Samaritans office, face to face is open now as I think that may be the next port of call.

    Cheers,

    Xx��

  10. #8
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Definitely go for the therapy. I think it'll really help. Also, do talk to your Dr about how you are feeling - a general meds review isn't a bad idea anyway....
    I wouldn't have paid her anything, so she got more from you than from me. I really, really hope you get to find peace without her.

    You know we're always here to listen and help you through things too hunni x
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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    Strugglingmum (29-07-21)

  12. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    Definitely go for the therapy. I think it'll really help. Also, do talk to your Dr about how you are feeling - a general meds review isn't a bad idea anyway....
    I wouldn't have paid her anything, so she got more from you than from me. I really, really hope you get to find peace without her.

    You know we're always here to listen and help you through things too hunni x


    Thanks gunning and sorry for the rude tardiness. I'm with you on your assertion about not coughing up, but honestly I went halfway as I believe treat acrimony with kindness up to the point of abuse. The money was never important to me, it was the circumstances and being anti money as a source of conflict.

    Xx

  13. #10
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I totally understand that. No need to apologise, we're here all the time
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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