Sissies united

[Sissy]

I worry he hurts himself at work. I worry he'll choose the bottle over this family again. I worry I have to once again pick up my self and try to learn how to live my life alone. I have made him a priority in my life, right after my Kids. And I feel I am just an option, when it comes to drinking. It hurts. And even if he sees me and boys as a priority, he still seems to choose the bottle over us. Not often, and definitely not like I have heard it happening in many other relationships. But when it happens, it feels like the ultimate betrayal. And worst thing in this is, your enemies and People that wish you harm can not betray you. Betrayal always comes from the ones we love and trust. And it is one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. And look at me, once again whining about something like this. Over thinking and over analyzing. I am breaking my own heart by thinking too much.

[Suzi]

You aren't whining at all. Living with and loving someone who is an addict is so impossibly hard. I hope and pray that he is able to stick to not drinking.

[Flo]

hi Sissy.. you aren't whining at all love. I'm the queen of over analysing and over thinking..but it's something a lot of us do. What you mustn't think is that Le Dude is betraying you or the children. He loves you all dearly. The disease (and it IS a disease) of alcoholism is incredibly powerful. The compulsion to drink is incredibly powerful. Drinking escalates to the point that whether he likes it or not - and the same goes for you and the boys! - the illness will overpower the drinker to the point that all efforts to control it is gone. The mental power of alcoholism, or drug addiction is immense! Now I have no doubt that he wants to stop...at the moment he is 'dry' not sober. But now, alcoholism is screaming at his head and his body to take another drink..it's the disease, not him. It's horrible for him and for your family. I agree that you must consider the mental health of yourself and the boys and if things get bad then you must do what you have to do to save your own sanity. The way I see it is that it can go one of two ways. Left to his own devices because the rest of you (quite rightly) leave because you've had enough might either make him drink again because he's lost everything OR it will shock him into action to do everything he can to stay dry with the possibility of becoming sober for good! You mustn't be his nurse maid and do everything for him, or be around to catch him when he falls. He's a big boy who knows what the problem is and must go all out to get as much AA influence as he can..by phone, Zoom meetings, being with others who are at the same stage and encourage each other. It's an awful illness and I feel so sorry for him and for you and the boys. I can only imagine what you're going through. Believe me I've seen entire families ruined because of this bloody disease. The promises that are broken time after time. And when children are involved it's even worse. You're doing what you can, and I'm pleased you have a job and are making new friends ....you must have a life outside the home. I have an idea that might help if Le Dude is serious about stopping. I expect you have a local newspaper. You can put in a small advert saying: "I would love to hear from anyone who is a friend of Dr. Bob and Bill W".......then add a phone number. No one but an AA member would know what that means and if he's lucky, a few people might jump in and 'phone him to help! Give it a go. It's worth a try.xx

[Sissy]

Does that work internationally? I have never seen anything like that, but I am going to try to take this up with him. Maybe he takes a catch and gives it a go. It just is so very Hard for me to talk about this with him. He gets irritated, and I feel powerless.

[Flo]

Yes Sissy, the men concerned were the people that started AA in Akron Ohio in 1934. If you just translate the Dr. part into your own language then the names remain the same. It is a message that people use and put on the message board if they are on holiday on a cruise ship, or in a hotel etc., solely to get in touch with another AA member. And the irritability LD feels is as a result of coming off the bottle...very common. His mind will probably be constantly telling him to have a drink. This illness is sly, insidious and cunning. It will try every trick in the book to urge him to drink. I don't know how long he's been dry, but this feeling should subside in time and his body and mind will get better, but ironically this is just the time when he will need the support of some fellow sober alcoholics to offer advice so that LD can turn his life around. It's not easy, but it can work if he wants it to. And yes Sissy, you are powerless to do anything. This situation has to be changed by him and only him. If he becomes sober then your encouragement will help and you can tell him how proud you are of him. Don't let him blame you for anything....we tend to want to blame everyone else and anything else for our drinking. There are going to be times that you feel as if you can't do anything right!! In this case remove yourself from the situation. You are not to blame for any of this. This is his problem not yours. You mentioned that his workmates drink and you worry that this might influence his drinking. Men can be funny creatures when it comes to their mates and the pub! There seems to be something macho about the amount of beer a guy can pour down his throat! But there's nothing macho about throwing up on the pavement, driving a car and hitting someone and going home and abusing your partners! Three men will have beer then a newly sober member of the group will ask for a Coke and quite rightly, but people can be unkind and make them feel 'girly' for not having a pint!! If this is the case then he has to stop getting into this situation until he feels confident that he can handle it. But his real friends will be proud of him and support his non drinking decision. It's important that he stays away from wet places for the time being.

[Suzi]

Hunni this is what I've found for AA in Finland - hope it helps... https://alcoholics-anonymous.eu/meet...region=finland

[Sissy]

Everything around my area is off the schedule due covid-19. Not a big surprise. Le Dude works long days, yesterday it was a 12 hours shift. He is too rired to drink, but who knles how the pressure of co workers will affect him. I know he has been able to break addictions on his own before, so I hope he will manage again. But this illness is string, and I know I can't understand it even if I tried.

[Suzi]

I'm quite grateful that I don't understand it. I will never understand that when I was pregnant with our youngest, my FIL was told if he didn't stop drinking he wouldn't see them born. He didn't stop. He continued and only passed away in the last few years, but the damage he did to both his children and to all 3 of ours will be there for years and years to come. My middle one explained it really well when she was about 8, she said that it was like having a scab but you just have to keep picking it... She, however, was the first who said that they didn't want anything to do with him as she didn't understand why she wasn't enough for him to stop drinking....

Keep talking love.

[Sissy]

I know it is not about me being not good enough. It just feels horrible to be let down over and over because of alcohol. He said he was ashamed and disapointed in himself, and yet he could not stop. I have No ide what to do to help him. I am tired. Exhausted. I am letting this farm go, and move out. I need to get rid of my chickens. I can't bring them to sub urbs. But we can not stay in here. We need a new start. We move in my moms house, and she will leave this whole town. She found a man in her life, and wants to go and stay with him. So. Changes. Big ones. We move as fast as we can arrange it.

[Suzi]