Struggling

[Suzi]

Does she actually see what she is doing is causing you pain/hurt/harm?

[Paula]

Honestly? Love, why would you want to go with her anyway?

[Mattypompy]

Does she actually see what she is doing is causing you pain/hurt/harm?

Yep, she does. I believe she enjoys in a schadenfreude way. I also belive she tries to use me as a co-dependant emotional sounding board to share her internal angst. I'm the only idiot in the world who keeps going back for more!

Obviously I'm no Psychiatrist, but from afar and knowledge I've garnered I believe she may have Borderline Personality syndrome and Narcissistic Personality disorder. It's all about control.

I simply suggested some boundaries of common civility and it was rejected. Im standing my ground. I believe she cannot control herself. She used to beat me up until I was 13/14 then I was stronger than her, so it's just been emotional abuse since then.

Sorry for the long previous ramble, and thank you for reading I really appreciate anothers view😁

X

Honestly? Love, why would you want to go with her anyway?

I know, I agree. But I'm pretty socially isolated and single and she takes advantage of that assuming I'd like to be with her instead of alone.

Thanks for the comment.

"I
" was going to reply tonight anyway.

It seems you're completely unaware of the damage you've caused.

Watching tennis, and doing other stuff, like London, travelling, going to Aunts, which I was going to suggest etc would be fun but I just cannot predict which version of Kate will be present. How do I know which one will appear on any given day. One I don't want to be with.

I honestly am at a loss at what to do with our relationship, it's toxic has been for years.

The version of you in April I cannot deal with. You really upset and hurt me when I was most vulnerable with the nasty, incredibly mean, controlling and horrible things you did and said at The George and on Good Friday. I do want to know if they're true, perhaps tell me in person, straight and honestly. Then I'll know what to do.

I came to see you, in a good mood, to have a few beers and laughs. I left depressed and highly anxious. You often become very abusive when you drink, it's not worth my sanity. I'm not certain what I've done to you to deserve that. I've been a loyal and helpful brother when ever you've needed anything. My health has to comes first.

Treating me like crap, why would anyone want to be subjected to emotional abuse, that's what it is, emotional abuse. The constant criticisms of jobs, money, have you ever thought what hearing that for years does to someone's self esteem?

As opposed to March when we got on well, had good conversations, played scrabble watched docus etc Can you see how difficult it is to deal with the difference. Don't you prefer that type of interaction.

I am far from perfect, but I know for a fact I do not emotionally abuse you. Maybe you're unaware in the moment, I don't know.

We need some healthy boundaries if we're to have a healthy, workable relationship or it will never work, and will return to type. There has to be a basic fundamental level of mutual decency or it won't ever work.

Please just respect what I've written, and not just automatically, get angry, dismiss or deflect it. So going to tennis and stuff, which I'm up for with the March version, is totally up to you to decide.


It's a shame, as we could have interesting experiences and trips abroad if there was just a less angry more mellow predictable you, that you'd enjoy and probably do you good. Life's too short for a corrosive relationship, don't you think?

Have a think, where you want to go from here. If there's anything you'd like me to change towards you, just tell me. We have to communicate clearly.


See yer......."

That's what I emailed as an overture for a reset. The stuff she said in the pub was ,"family means nothing to her and she wished I wasn't her brother" due to her anger and intoxication. I'd done nothing except travel down on the train to support her for her covid jab. Some people.....

[Mattypompy]

Oops!��

My error. I clearly need to swot up on not merging posts!

I have this tiny screen on a phone with miniscule function buttons, I thought I'd already posted the first part.

M x

[Suzi]

That's OK..

I think you are right in trying to work out what's best for you in the long run - but hunni, maybe you should be taking complete control of this, rather than giving her the control to stay in your life so you still will not know what's going to happen or how she's going to be?
Abuse is most often about power and control. Take it back.

[Mattypompy]

That's OK..

I think you are right in trying to work out what's best for you in the long run - but hunni, maybe you should be taking complete control of this, rather than giving her the control to stay in your life so you still will not know what's going to happen or how she's going to be?
Abuse is most often about power and control. Take it back.

Absolutely wise words Suzi. It is about power and control and I'm inadvertently facilitating it. Very insidious behavior and quite subtle over time. You know what, you guys here, and a Samaritan, a few years back gave me an epiphany. I didn't see it at the time, as probably so many don't due to gaslighting, that the origin of this abuse and repeatedly toxic pattern of behaviour lies within her not me. It's interesting to hypothesise on the need it fulfilling the abuser and it's psychological origin, I suspect it's unacknowledged low self esteem and insecurity in part.

That was such a gift to me that, although abuse from a family member still hurts, I know the cause is not a defect with me, but a pathology in her. Can't tell you how much that revelation was a relief. Thank you.

On another note I'm changing from Escitalopram to Venlafaxine by tapering. A view brain zaps but so far so good. Hope it helps like it did for your hubby. I may look into some therapy, I've had loads, I'll cogitate on it.

Keep well everyone.

Xx

[Suzi]

Hunni you are still giving her the power by giving her headspace... You need some specific therapy. Can you talk to your Dr and get some sorted or maybe try relate or similar?

Changing from one to another is not great, and it could be a bit rough for a while.. Venlafaxine made Marc sleep for a little while, but it's changed so much for him and for us!