How is it even a year already since we were about to go into lockdown and I was told not to come into work but to stay at home and work from home. I went into shock mode. My anxiety increased and my appetite decreased. I actually lost a few pounds due to not eating at that point. I was shaking and worried about everything. My mental health declined and I had a relapse. I could see it coming a few months before lockdown. My mood had gone down and I couldn't cope. Work had helped me with my recovery from my last mental health breakdown where work from my old job had been a trigger. Working pt in a fantastic organisation with amazing people had helped me recover. I gained respect from my colleagues and I was happy. Going into lockdown was a nightmare for me as it has been for millions of people. I am lucky that work has been amazing to me and I have a compassionate boss who has supported me throughout. Since the summer we started to return on a rota basis. Now Im only in two or three mornings a week and the rest from home. The days I am at home are a struggle. I struggle massively to get out of bed. I feel sedated and drowsy from the medication I am on. I'm having vivid dreams and sleep is often disturbed. Once I'm up and trying to do work I struggle to stay away often falling back to sleep which does make me feel worse. I've put on 3 st since I regained my appetite and it's mainly due to the amount of junk I have been binging and lack of exercise. Pre pandemic I attended about 3 exercise classes a week and sometimes the gym. I used to be the main food shopper for our house. Now I rarely go shopping as it makes me too anxious. My DH does it. I'm embarrassed for people to see me. My clothes are too tight and I don't feel good in myself. I'd rather stay in than go out. I have a lot of physical pain from my neck, my jaw, face and head. There is rarely a day that I don't have symptoms. Sometimes I question if this pain is in my head. I have permanent tinnitus which drives me crazy. I often want to scream or bang my head against the wall but I don't. My kids notice that I am not right. They see me getting snappy and annoyed at the minor things. Like not getting of the TV or phone late at night on a school night. They keep me going and it's only because of them that I push myself to get up and care for them. Without them and dh my life would be meaningless. I am so fed up. Why am I like this. Why can't I just be happy with who I am and what I have. I'm turning 40 in a few months and I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways. I've let myself go and I have no motivation to improve myself. I can't talk to my friends about how I feel because I don't want them to hear me moaning when I know everyone has so many troubles at the moment. I put on a happy face when I'm in public at work because I don't feel people need to know how I'm feeling. I don't even know where I am going with all this. I just know that I don't feel right. I don't feel right in my head. I feel miserable and fed up.