Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**

[Suzi]

Sorry you've been struggling lovely... Do you want to talk about the thoughts you've been having?
Are you keeping a note of how you are each day to take with you to your therapist's appointment?

[Butterfly]

I've been going for a lot of walks the past few days, thanks to the good weather. It's hard to distract my mind because it's hanging onto several subjects that make me go mad because I feel as if I'm not even remembering certain things anymore...
I'm writing down my feelings so I can take that list along (the mood diary).. that definitely seems a good plan.
It's just... unnecessary thoughts. Mainly comparing myself to others on several aspects and feeling unable to keep going when I can't be like them. So nonsense but my mind forces me to do it

[Arty]

Distraction is good but pacing/resting is also important. Over time, you will be able to listen to your body more.
Would you say it is anxiety or depression or both that you are suffering with? X

[Suzi]

Sweetheart what things are you comparing? Who to?

[Butterfly]

@Arty: I'd say it's more depression but there can be some signs of anxiety as well. It's not something like social anxiety though, more like the anxiety of not being good enough or like others xx There also have been some signs of OCD but I've never officially been diagnosed with anything so far xx

@Suzi: It's like comparing myself to idols I have.. I know social media and the celeb world isn't always what it seems and that I've mentioned it before. It's just like.. that I know how much they've archived and what they've done etc. and I want that too, even with knowing that their life had some ups and downs too and isn't perfect either, especially not as "perfect" as ut seems portrayed online.
It's just like.. I feel like they've done so many great, brave, cool things and there's me who'll never even come close to that, who'll never do things as good/brsve/etc. as they've done and therefore I'll never reach their happiness.

[Suzi]

Who are the celebrities you idolise love? I don't think we've talked about who they are and what aspects of their lives you are lusting after?

[Butterfly]

They're in a band called Steps.
At the beginning I just really liked their music etc. but then I found myself getting hugely jealous of the way They're living and the things They're doing, like being on tour, doing music videos etc.
I know that's not everything and that their lives aren't perfect either and that not all of this celeb life is fun and freedom. It's just.. I so desperately want to be like them, have a life like they do and archive what they've done whether that's career-wise or personal archivements etc.
I always feel like, if I don't manage to archive certain things that they've managed, I'd be unhappy forever because I wasn't equally strong or brave.

[Paula]

If they’re the Steps I know, I love them! But, what they achieved over the years apparently took its toll on the mental health for at least two of them.

[Butterfly]

I guess we're talking about the same - band from UK, just published their new album, etc. I know that some of them have had past issues and definitely know that just because of being rich, famous etc. it doesn't automatically mean they're happy and don't suffer either. It's like... I'd switch with them in a heartbeart (no pun here), even if I know that they've had struggles too. I guess because of my own past issues, I just started comparing myself to others and wanting to be like others so desperately because of the deep rooted dislike I've formed towards myself. And seeing what others have done - whether career-wise or personal stuff - just makes me wanting to do and have all the same, otherwise my mind tortures me even more..

[Arty]

Hi Butterfly, I have reread your introductory comments. So you are working part time and studying too? It sounds like you don't want to be doing your current job. Why are you doing it/could you change path? It is so sad to hear that someone with all their life ahead of them is stuck doing something they loathe. Sometimes, we try to please others which means we are not being authentic to ourselves. This can make you ill. I speak from experience.x