Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**

[Butterfly]

I hope this is the correct forum to post this, if not then I apologise.
I don't know what to do anymore. Since around the beginning of this year, maybe even earlier, I'm feeling absolutely awful. I don't see any point in living anymore. Whatever I do, it's only connected with worry. I worry about decisions to make, about my future and about what career path to take. Right now I'm working part-time and going to school as well, I'm a trainee. The job I am learning is something I never wanted to do... I want to do something completely different but it's only connected with worry, so my mind tells me it's better to stay unhappy.
I'm so jealous of people who are worrying less and are able to do what they want. I can't even enjoy my favourite artists anymore because I start to build up such a hate and envy towards them. I want to be like them and do what they do/did and I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be happy because other people ARE better, DID better and HAVE it better than me, especially those I am close to or those I look up to.
That's nonsense, obviously. Everyone's got struggles and not everything's all smiles. But I envy these people so much, I'm longing for happiness even if it would be the tiniest things.
Roughly 1 year ago I'd be like 80% okay. There were some unhappy days that mostly cluld be saved with writing, watching videos or listening to music of my fave artists. Or meeting with friends but that can't happen right now for obvious reasons aka covid.
But nowadays the things I used to LOVE are the things that bring me the most unhappiness. Listening to my favourite music? No, makes me sad. Watching videos of my faves? No, makes me envious and sad - I want to be like them and instead I'm just a pathetic person being.
Writing doesn't work out either because I can't concentrate... same in school and work as well. It's difficult to follow or keep up with conversations, my thoughts are constantly circling around other things.

I've been to therapists before and haven't made good experiences. I've also been to forums to ask for advice. No matter what I do, all the worries, anxiety, envy etc. always come back at me. I feel guilty no matter what I do. I could do the best things and still feel guilhy/unhappy because others did different and better in my opinion.


I'm really run out of ideas what to do. I can't keep going anymore, this life is such a big fight. Sorry if this is offensive to anyone, I don't mean to. xx

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm going to add a trigger warning to your thread, not because you've done anything wrong, but you have mentioned that you don't want to live anymore and we like to give people a choice as to whether they can deal with that kind of thing which could trigger them.

You mention school, can I ask how old you are? Where are you from? Have you spoken to those around you? What about your Dr?

[Mira]

Welcome to the forum. there are a lot of us that are struggling. And sadly we do not have the fast solutions here. But we will listen and talk to you here. And you will be greeted with understanding and compassion.

[Butterfly]

Thank you xx
I'm 21 years old. The school I go to is for trainees so no "real" school. I'm from Germany. I've spoken to my parents before and they're showing a lot of help but obviously they're a bit helpless as well. My doctor said I should go and see a therapist, which I've done and plan to do again hopefully soon.

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum and sorry I forgot to add SH trigger warning xx

[Suzi]

Please don't worry about the trigger warning, the team and I will always add them if we think it's needed.
What are you training to do?
How many times have you seen a therapist? From my experience it takes a proper course of sessions to work through and be helpful.

[Paula]

Hi hunni, and welcome. What are you training for and what is it you really want to do? Why is it associated with worry?

Has Covid had an impact on your mood? Are you able to connect with your friend regularly, even if you can’t see them face to face? Has your doctor talked to you about other treatment? Medication?

[Butterfly]

I'm training to be a legal assistant (hope that's the correct English word) but I'd much rather go into the creative side. Acting, singing, dancing, writing, etc. It IS hard to get there, I know. It's associated with worry because I fear it's too financially unstable and that I'll end up with no money, no partner, no one by my side.

Covid had a slight impact on my mood though I'm gladly able to connect with my friends via videochat or messaging them. My doctor has yet only talked about talking therapy. I thought that hypnosis might be an option as well but am not sure whether that'll work out.

Something else that constantly has me upset and thinking is the fear of being judges. Judged for everything. I suffer (though suffer is a big word, seeing that it has no impact on my life) from a condition called neurofibromatosis. It doesn't impact my decision to have kids in the future, and nothing speaks against it medically or something, but I still fear to get judged. Society is cruel and judges people for anything. I fear that people close to me and those who mean a lot to me will judge me for anything I do because of only seeing tze disease. As mentioned, it never had nor will have any impact on my life. I have some "freckles" on my skin but that's about it. It can be passed onto my kids but 1) doesn't have to happen 2) is so mild that they probably will never have an impact on their lives either.
I feel bad for worrying so much about the future. I just want to live a happy and good life like others, without worrying about anything I do. I just want to do what I want and what makes me happy.

[Paula]

Has anyone judged you in the past? I’ve found that most of society tries to be kind. You’ll certainly find kindness here and absolutely no judgement.

Hunni, have you thought about doing some amateur dramatics?

[Butterfly]

I've sadly been judged for several things before, no matter how small. It's good to hear that this place offers kindness and a good place to speak about things xx
What's amateur dramatics may I ask? xx

Thank you so much for all the compliments as well. It's a cood feeling to hear compliments when getting them so rarely. I definitely have dreams and goals and am sad that my fears are holding me back because it's not been like this last year or so. I have no idea about where it comes from... I think due to bullying in the past I'm afraid of getting judged, especially by people I like or look up to. When I see my idols I'm like "I want to be like them" and think if I never get to be like them (beautiful like them or brave/strong, doing many brave things) I'll forever end up unhappy. And I fear to be hated by people. It's definitely a good idea to speak to my doctor again... surely this can't go on like tjis forever. Thank you all so much for your help and welcoming me so warmly into the forum.
Appreciating all the help so much! Anxiety and overthinking really is hard to live with and I'm longing for a more carefree and happier life. Thanks to all of you xx

[Paula]

It’s good to have people to look up to, that inspire us, but I believe we should always strive to be the best we can be, and not a copy of someone else

“Amateur dramatics is theatre performed by amateur actors and singers. Amateur theatre groups may stage plays, revues, musicals, light opera, pantomime or variety shows, and do so for the social activity as well as the artistic side. Productions may take place in venues ranging from the open air, community centres or schools to independent or major professional theatres and can be simple light entertainment or demanding drama.”

We have amateur dramatic societies in every town, village, city in the UK. Are there organisations like that near you?