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Thread: Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**

  1. #1

    Seeing no way out **SH Trigger**

    I hope this is the correct forum to post this, if not then I apologise.
    I don't know what to do anymore. Since around the beginning of this year, maybe even earlier, I'm feeling absolutely awful. I don't see any point in living anymore. Whatever I do, it's only connected with worry. I worry about decisions to make, about my future and about what career path to take. Right now I'm working part-time and going to school as well, I'm a trainee. The job I am learning is something I never wanted to do... I want to do something completely different but it's only connected with worry, so my mind tells me it's better to stay unhappy.
    I'm so jealous of people who are worrying less and are able to do what they want. I can't even enjoy my favourite artists anymore because I start to build up such a hate and envy towards them. I want to be like them and do what they do/did and I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be happy because other people ARE better, DID better and HAVE it better than me, especially those I am close to or those I look up to.
    That's nonsense, obviously. Everyone's got struggles and not everything's all smiles. But I envy these people so much, I'm longing for happiness even if it would be the tiniest things.
    Roughly 1 year ago I'd be like 80% okay. There were some unhappy days that mostly cluld be saved with writing, watching videos or listening to music of my fave artists. Or meeting with friends but that can't happen right now for obvious reasons aka covid.
    But nowadays the things I used to LOVE are the things that bring me the most unhappiness. Listening to my favourite music? No, makes me sad. Watching videos of my faves? No, makes me envious and sad - I want to be like them and instead I'm just a pathetic person being.
    Writing doesn't work out either because I can't concentrate... same in school and work as well. It's difficult to follow or keep up with conversations, my thoughts are constantly circling around other things.

    I've been to therapists before and haven't made good experiences. I've also been to forums to ask for advice. No matter what I do, all the worries, anxiety, envy etc. always come back at me. I feel guilty no matter what I do. I could do the best things and still feel guilhy/unhappy because others did different and better in my opinion.


    I'm really run out of ideas what to do. I can't keep going anymore, this life is such a big fight. Sorry if this is offensive to anyone, I don't mean to. xx

  2. #2
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm going to add a trigger warning to your thread, not because you've done anything wrong, but you have mentioned that you don't want to live anymore and we like to give people a choice as to whether they can deal with that kind of thing which could trigger them.

    You mention school, can I ask how old you are? Where are you from? Have you spoken to those around you? What about your Dr?
    Just call me Goose....


  3. #3
    Mira
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    Welcome to the forum. there are a lot of us that are struggling. And sadly we do not have the fast solutions here. But we will listen and talk to you here. And you will be greeted with understanding and compassion.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to Mira For This Useful Post:

    Suzi (27-12-20)

  5. #4
    Thank you xx
    I'm 21 years old. The school I go to is for trainees so no "real" school. I'm from Germany. I've spoken to my parents before and they're showing a lot of help but obviously they're a bit helpless as well. My doctor said I should go and see a therapist, which I've done and plan to do again hopefully soon.

    Thank you for welcoming me to the forum and sorry I forgot to add SH trigger warning xx

  6. #5
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Please don't worry about the trigger warning, the team and I will always add them if we think it's needed.
    What are you training to do?
    How many times have you seen a therapist? From my experience it takes a proper course of sessions to work through and be helpful.
    Just call me Goose....


  7. #6
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi hunni, and welcome. What are you training for and what is it you really want to do? Why is it associated with worry?

    Has Covid had an impact on your mood? Are you able to connect with your friend regularly, even if you canít see them face to face? Has your doctor talked to you about other treatment? Medication?
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  8. #7
    I'm training to be a legal assistant (hope that's the correct English word) but I'd much rather go into the creative side. Acting, singing, dancing, writing, etc. It IS hard to get there, I know. It's associated with worry because I fear it's too financially unstable and that I'll end up with no money, no partner, no one by my side.

    Covid had a slight impact on my mood though I'm gladly able to connect with my friends via videochat or messaging them. My doctor has yet only talked about talking therapy. I thought that hypnosis might be an option as well but am not sure whether that'll work out.

    Something else that constantly has me upset and thinking is the fear of being judges. Judged for everything. I suffer (though suffer is a big word, seeing that it has no impact on my life) from a condition called neurofibromatosis. It doesn't impact my decision to have kids in the future, and nothing speaks against it medically or something, but I still fear to get judged. Society is cruel and judges people for anything. I fear that people close to me and those who mean a lot to me will judge me for anything I do because of only seeing tze disease. As mentioned, it never had nor will have any impact on my life. I have some "freckles" on my skin but that's about it. It can be passed onto my kids but 1) doesn't have to happen 2) is so mild that they probably will never have an impact on their lives either.
    I feel bad for worrying so much about the future. I just want to live a happy and good life like others, without worrying about anything I do. I just want to do what I want and what makes me happy.

  9. #8
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Has anyone judged you in the past? Iíve found that most of society tries to be kind. Youíll certainly find kindness here and absolutely no judgement.

    Hunni, have you thought about doing some amateur dramatics?
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  10. #9
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Neurofibromatosis doesn't sound easy to live with. What about anti-depresants? Have those been mentioned?
    Just call me Goose....


  11. #10
    Hi Butterfly,
    Well done for reaching out. Give therapy another go and do see your GP. What you have written about strikes a chord with me, crippling anxiety is just awful Trying to live when you feel so wretched is incredibly hard. You can pull through this, being honest about your feelings is the first step. You won’t be judged here.
    One day at a time ....😃

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