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Thread: Truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

  1. #1
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

    Let's try this again shall we?

    Ok, so the truth is when I'm struggling with something I shut down and shut people out. If I say "I'm ok" then the chances are I'm not. If something upsets me, even when I know causing upset was the very last intention, I shut down and shut people out and go back to "I'm ok" when I'm not. I refuse to talk, I refuse to explain what's wrong. Partly because of fear and partly learned behaviour. I'm scared of upsetting people by telling them they upset me as I've had years of being guilt-tripped, so my learned behaviour is keep quiet, deal with the hurt in my own way and then go back and carry on as normal as then it means people don't leave me. I'm used to people abandoning me and that learned behaviour doesn't always override the logic that the people in my life now are decent.

    I hate people seeing how vulnerable I can be at times as it's been used against me in the past. Dickhead used that against me all the time. Made me feel like I was nothing because I struggled. Repeatedly told me that I was attention-seeking, it was a made-up illness, it wasn't fatigue, I was just too fat and lazy to do stuff... you get the idea. So my instinct is to shut down and shut people out as then my vulnerability can't be used against me, it's self-preservation, and knowing that the people in my life now won't do that isn't enough to override that instinct.

    I worry about being told that how I feel isn't valid, that I have no right to feel like I do or that I can't feel like I do if something has upset me. I've had that happen a lot and even if how I end up feeling wasn't the intention, it was the result. So my instinct is to keep quiet, avoid talking and go back to "I'm ok". Has anyone spotted a pattern yet?

    I will freely admit that I can be difficult and bloody hard work at times. When I'm feeling hurt and misunderstood I can overreact and misconstrue things. I'm working on it but a lifetime of learned behaviour is difficult to change in a few years. Trust me, it drives J crazy too. So I'm going to try to be more honest about how I'm doing from now on. I may fail at times but I am trying.
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  2. #2
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I am SO f*ing proud of you! Well done love, I know how hard it can be laying yourself out there. I couldn't be prouder of you than I am right now!
    Just call me Goose....


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  4. #3
    Queen of Crafting magie06's Avatar
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    It's wonderful that you've opened a new thread.
    I have noticed what you said about you before. I think we all do that as a method of self preservation, I'm okay is a lot easier to say than I'm struggling.
    Sending the biggest hugs your way.

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    Jaquaia (15-12-20)

  6. #4
    Sports Reporter + Resident DJ
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    There she is! That’s the girl we all know and love. I know I don’t always help situations and I’m sorry if I contribute to the problem sometimes. Really glad you have a new thread open.
    If you wanna make the world a better place take a look and yourself and make that change - MJ

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    Flo (16-12-20),Jaquaia (15-12-20)

  8. #5
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Love that post! So proud of you
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

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    Jaquaia (15-12-20)

  10. #6
    Senior Member
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    What a brave thing to do to post - I am incredibly proud of you!

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    Jaquaia (15-12-20)

  12. #7
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Honestly, how are you feeling after posting that?
    Just call me Goose....


  13. #8
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    I don't know if I'm honest
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  14. #9
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I always find it really hard to show my vulnerability....
    Just call me Goose....


  15. #10
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    I generally hate showing my vulnerability but I thought it might help explain why I can be difficult
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

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