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Thread: ****Triggers**** where am I going?

  1. #1
    Mira
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    ****Triggers**** where am I going?

    A place for me to post my thoughts and struggles. Might be real dark at times.

  2. #2
    Mira
    Guest

    Triggers SH, suïcide

    This is a rough weekend for me. We are in a lockdown at the moment but for me it changes almost nothing. The only thing I notice is people around me saying how lonely life is and how they struggle with it. But for me this has been my life since I broke up with my girlfriend over 3 years ago now?

    I promised my therapists that I would not self harm. I do think about it all the time. Destroying my body so it looks the way I feel it already does. All the while I do overeat and purge more then 2 times a day. Because of the ad's my mouth is already dry and this way its sure to leave damage.

    Taking care of my then girlfriend was the thing that tipped me over. I think she is doing way better and thats good. But I feel I am on a cliff with no where to go. All the while only learning how messed up I am and whos fault it is. But me only wanting to take it out on myself.

    Right now with pain in my hand because of the teeth marks.

    I dont think I ever felt so sad for myself.

  3. #3
    Walker extraordinaire!
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    Oh Mira. I am so sorry you are so sad.
    I wish I could wave a wand and take the pain away.
    I wish you could see all the positives I see in you.
    I know that drive to SH and I know how overwhelming and compelling it can be. Then we give in and the guilt becomes another negative to beat ourselves up with.
    Breaking the cycle is so hard and at times seems impossible, but please hang in there, keep engaging in therapy, keep taking the meds but most of all know that you are cared for.
    There are people.... I am one..... whose lives are made better because of your presence. I wish i could hug you better but i cant, please be kind to you, please dont hurt my friend, please learn to think kind thoughts of him.
    Check out my Calandoniacrochet Facebook page.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to Strugglingmum For This Useful Post:

    Flo (19-10-20)

  5. #4
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    I so wish I could take this away from you. I will say I’m extremely grateful that you’re talking to us
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  6. #5
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I'm so glad you're talking.

    You know the purging is self harm right? Promising someone you aren't going to harm isn't always the right way of doing things. You need to stop self harm for you, not because you've promised someone else.
    There are some apps we recommend on shout. I don't know if they work where you are, but you could try? They are Calm Harm, Chill Panda (rubbish name, but it's a really helpful one) and Headspace.
    Please, please, please do this for you...
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  7. #6
    Mira
    Guest
    Someone gave me a suggestion to post. And I found this thread and thought why not dust it off.

    I thought I was doing a bit better. But I went to therapy today and went with public transport. And my stress went way up. I have been that way since I got home now.

    I wanted to play my game. But I have noticed the same thing that happens everytime when I start to develop feelings for someone in a game. I feel it belong to them and not me. So I started playing but felt bad about playing her game so I stopped.
    I even tried playing another game I stopped playing 3 years ago for the same reason but same result.

    I keep going through this cycle. Untill I am stripped from everything. Games I like. Bands I like (because of the same reasons I never play the Doors anymore or the Cure).

    I think I am on a path where I destroy everything in my life till the last thing to destroy is myself

  8. #7
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Oh hunni I’m so sorry today was so difficult. Do you want to talk about what happened in therapy? Is there an easier way for you to travel to your appointments so you don’t have the stress of public transports?

    Ftr, we’re a lot harder to shake off and I, for one, do not intend to let you destroy our friendship
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  9. #8
    Mira
    Guest
    Therapy went ok. We talked about my plan for when I get in different states. It was way more all the other people. I am getting worse with those interactions and just being around people.

    I just am so worried for my safe place being home. What if there is nothing left to distract?

  10. #9
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    There will always be something to distract - we are here. Have you tried going through the distractions threads we have here? What about making yourself a crisis box with something to touch, something to taste, something to look at, something to listen to and something to smell?

    How are you today?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  11. The Following User Says Thank You to Suzi For This Useful Post:

    Flo (24-11-20)

  12. #10
    I know all the things you are feeling because I have similar issues but you know all of this is just in your head right? You would never treat me or anyone else so badly, constantly punishing them for simply existing, so why is it ok to treat yourself this way?

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to Stella180 For This Useful Post:

    Flo (24-11-20)

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