Stella's right.....please don't punish yourself. You're such a good and kind person. When I was at my lowest I used to watercolour...art that is. I'm no da Vinci but it took my head to lovely places and steered my mind away from destruction to distraction. You don't have to be an artist to paint..it's all about you. Why not give it a go? A brush or two and a cheap box of paints and a pad of artists paper. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised at what you can do. Start with a simple christmas card scene or something. When I was in rehab we had 3 classes a week and at the end of it everyone was really pleased with what they turned out..some of them were amazing! Don't beat yourself up by being who you think you are and be what we know you are. Give it a go!