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Thread: Hey There!

  1. #1

    Hey There!

    After sort of aimlessly browsing the internet I found this forum. Since the community seems to be very nice and welcoming, I thought, why not give it a try and see if I might get some of the needed help here?
    Anyway, some about me, I'm Tom, recently turned 27 and going through some hard times (but i guess everyone here does or did so).
    I often feel quite lonely and left out, with nobody I can really turn to. It's not really linked to the situation with Corona and all that, as it has been going on for much longer (sometimes better, sometimes worse, you probably all know how it's like).
    Usually, I'm not very good at opening up because I always think that nobody really cares. Also I tend to overthink a lot (writing this post probably took me an hour or so...), which doesn't help either.
    In consequence, it's really difficult for me to get together with new people and even if so, I always feel that I'm left out or not being their first choice.
    Additionally, I also have troubles with finding a partner and getting into a relationship, or at least not one where the feelings are mutual. It seems that nobody really approaches me and I always have to initiate the contact or the conversation.
    I feel like I missed out so much due to that in the past and that's probably one of my biggest problems. There's more to tell about all that but I'll probably open up another thread, as it doesn't really fit into an intoduction post.

    Best
    Tom


    PS: if you care to know more about me, just ask or send me a PM. I think it's easier for me to open up when i don't have to be the active one.

  2. #2
    Walker extraordinaire!
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    Hi Tom and welcome. You're right there are alot of people here who can identify with how you feel about things and lots of overthinking.

    There are lots of different threads on the forum, if you see something you enjoy feel free to jump in. We are a friendly bunch and willing to share our experiences.
    Check out my Calandoniacrochet Facebook page.

  3. #3
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi Tom and welcome to DWD. Are you eating properly? Drinking properly? Getting any exercise? Have you seen a Dr about how you are feeling? Sorry for the load of questions, but sometimes that's easier than seeing a blank reply box staring at you!
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  4. #4
    Mira
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    Hi Tom, nice to meet you.

    Your post sounds like me when I was 27. That is a few years ago though

    I would like to ask you a question. What you wrote sounds like the inside voice is telling you that (sorry no idea how to discribe it otherwise). But what if you try to look at it rational? Logical?

    I will try and give a good example. This is what I do.

    I get to work and I say good morning to my coworker and have a conversation. He seems cross. And talks to me while irritated.

    In comes Mira. I get chills. I start to sweat even. What did I do? Was it something I did yesterday? Did I forget to do something?
    He must think bad about me. He hates me.
    And on and on.

    But when I am home later I try to think Logical.

    We parted the day before on good terms so to speak. So maybe he had a fight at home. A flat Tire. Bills. Etc etc.

    What I am trying to say is I think way to much and direct it all towards myself. And thats not bad. But I do need to look at it the right way.

    I hope this makes sense.

  5. #5
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome! I understand
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

  6. #6
    Welcome to the crazy gang

  7. #7
    Hi @all and thanks for the warm welcome, very much appreciated! :D

    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    Hi Tom and welcome to DWD. Are you eating properly? Drinking properly? Getting any exercise? Have you seen a Dr about how you are feeling? Sorry for the load of questions, but sometimes that's easier than seeing a blank reply box staring at you!
    No worries, I'd rather have too many than too few questions!
    As for the eating, drinking part and exercising part, I can definitely confirm that. I'm trying to finish my studies right now and the current semester isn't really overloaded and i've got a good amount of free time to spend. I usually do a good amount of cooking for myself. I'm also doing a lot of climbing and bouldering, one might say too much, but it keeps me busy and on tracks (and I have no problems with injuries and such, so I guess it's fine).
    As for the part with medical help, I don't really think that I can benefit from that. I feel more like I just need to talk about certain things with people who genuinely want to listen to me.
    After all, I'm not at immediate danger and do not intend to harm myself (or at least not anymore), if that is your concern.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mira View Post
    Hi Tom, nice to meet you.

    Your post sounds like me when I was 27. That is a few years ago though

    I would like to ask you a question. What you wrote sounds like the inside voice is telling you that (sorry no idea how to discribe it otherwise). But what if you try to look at it rational? Logical?

    I will try and give a good example. This is what I do.

    I get to work and I say good morning to my coworker and have a conversation. He seems cross. And talks to me while irritated.

    In comes Mira. I get chills. I start to sweat even. What did I do? Was it something I did yesterday? Did I forget to do something?
    He must think bad about me. He hates me.
    And on and on.

    But when I am home later I try to think Logical.

    We parted the day before on good terms so to speak. So maybe he had a fight at home. A flat Tire. Bills. Etc etc.

    What I am trying to say is I think way to much and direct it all towards myself. And thats not bad. But I do need to look at it the right way.

    I hope this makes sense.
    I think I understand what you describe. But I'd say it's a little different with me, as I'm much more on the logical and rational thinking side. I don't really think that others think bad of me. It's more that it's mostly me who's reaching out, like for making plans or just to check how they're doing. But I often get little feedback and that's where I start thinking and doing the math.
    For example, if I write 10 people, what are the odds that nobody really cares to write back or just brushes me off? Then I sometimes start thinking (not always, but sometimes though). And that's probably also why I sometimes have difficulties opening up to new people when they don't really show too much interst at first.

  8. #8
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Tom, I'm glad you're not in any immediate danger - I wasn't specifically meaning that though. If you see your GP you can access talking therapies, medication (if appropriate) etc
    Do you have a support network around you of people who you can talk to?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  9. #9
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. Is is possible that you’d benefit from help in changing how you react to situations? Because, at its basic level, CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) does exactly that - it ‘is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave.’ And can be very effective.

    But, I agree with you, having somewhere like DWD where you can talk to people who understand where you’re coming from, with no bias or judgement, is hugely beneficial. I’m so grateful for the day I found this forum.

    https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognit...l-therapy-cbt/
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  10. #10
    I have some good friends and people around me, like my two flatmates who I know for quite some years by now.
    There also is a close female friend to who I actually opened up and talked with about a lot of stuff. We actually were together earlier this year but unfortunately she ended our relationship after a few months, as she didn't share my feelings. I managed to accept that and I'm moving on though. So we're still at very good terms and often have a good time when going climbing together, for example. That's probably why I trust her enough and reached out to her. She seems to understand and tries to help and do her best. Unfortunately, I feel like she starts to get a little distant sometimes, maybe because it's getting a little too much for her.
    I haven't really spoken with other friends though, as I think they will react the same. I suppose most people don't really know how to handle this and are scared of saying or doing something "wrong". So they end up doing nothing and thus distancing themselves and I'd like to avoid that.

    And I also think that I can't really benefit from professional help at this point anymore. Not because it's that bad but rather the other way around. I really feel like I've picked myself up and can keep going, with things slowly getting better. But along that way I would just like to have some people to listen and motivate me, so I don't feel too lonely.
    That's also why I don't think that therapy would really help me. I feel like I already know what I need to know and have the tools, but rather just sometimes need someone to talk to, maybe vent, or just to give me some positive assurance when things don't go as good as I'd like them to. And it feels the best to do this with people who are, or were, in the same situation, because I don't really have to explain too much and you intuitively understand a lot of my concerns.

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