Hello All,

This is my first time seeking help anywhere out of our family unit. I don't believe our situation is anywhere as bad as others - in fact we've come a hugely long way. I just can't seem to get us past the next (hopefully last) bit.

Background:
Been together 18 odd years, married since 2013. She has a daughter from a previous marriage. We have bought her up together, she is 19 and great. Has a job, drives my car, lovely BF. No worries there.

We have a lovely house and garden, new cars, can afford nice food - money is no issue. Both have jobs, mine full time. Hers is part time 3 days per week doing work she generally enjoys. We have a nice old dog.

The source of the depression:
Fortunately for "us" this is easy... my wife has Cerebral Palsy, it only affects her legs so if she's sitting down and you walked into a room you wouldn't have a clue until she stood up and attempted to walk.

The walking part she used to be able to do no problem. However one of her hips gave out and she needed it replaced. She also has arthritis in the ankle. This has reduced her mobility and left her in varying levels of physical pain. This loss of independence couple with the pain drove her down a dark hole in 2014. There are some only contributing factors to her depression which I will elaborate on. (deafness, recurring sinus pain, occasional bad PMT)

She's in a lot better place than she used to be and I have had to learn how to help her mental health. These days, she suffers from bouts of depression, constant anxiety about certain things with potential to have full blown panic attacks (I really tried to avoid these though as they are so draining on the whole family).

She has normal interaction with people outside of the family, but sometimes won't accept visitors.

These days she’s a glass half full, cynic (she didn't use to be). She’ll sometimes assume things are going to go wrong even to the point of fully irrational views. (this is when she’s having a bout of depression).

During these moments she’ll let the smallest thing hold her back or let it prevent her from doing something. Although this is because of the anxiety, she’ll just invent reasons she can’t do something.

Another facet to her depression is her “regression on progress”. I don’t know how else to describe this except with some examples. Take her deafness, which causes problems as she can’t hear what me and my daughter are saying and struggles in group conversations. We went and got hearing aids from the NHS. She tried them out and was amazed at how much she could hear, wore them on the way home and for a few days afterwards. Now she won’t wear them, says she hates them. (But wears them if she has to go into the office). She won’t try different ones or get her current ones adjusted. Another example is: she used to be able to swim 50 lengths (this is since her 2014 op). Now says she’d drown if she got in a 25m pool and can only swim in a 12m pool. If I said shall we go swimming she'd say no. She would use Covid-19 as the reason at the moment.

She thinks everyone cares that she uses a wheelchair or mobility scooter. Therefore she doesn’t want to do stuff. No one cares, it’s in her head and I don’t seem to be able help her move away from this mode of thinking.

When she doesn't want to do something she puts false barriers / reasons in the way. For example she can go and get in her car and drive somewhere. She will tell me she can't, she's not driven for months now.

We’ll go away to hotels etc and walk round the local cities and do touristy things. Doesn't want to go to our local town. (we live in one of the Oxbridge cities) she will cite some reason, the latest is Covid-19.

I used to be scared to ask her certain things because of the screaming reactions I would get, the tears, the panic attacks. I've learnt to become less scared as she's got better.

I’ve noticed that unless she’s made the suggestion to do something, she generally won’t go along with an idea I’ve had. This is about 80% of the time, this is a more recent trait of the last 12 months. She's become really stubborn about some stuff.

She still loves going to the garden centre.

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