Sunshine after the rain

[Strugglingmum]

Wish that worked for me lol

I've a feeling it was a one-off

[Suzi]

Keep up the grumpy in the morning and report back

[Flo]

Hmmm..might give grumpy a go myself, but knowing my luck I'll just get a smack!

[Suzi]

Morning gorgeous, how are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

Busy morning. Up and away to do the food shop, then appointment with my CPN, quick wool shop and home to put it all away. Waiting on lunch cooking.

I'm feeling anxious now. My CPN started the 'when we discharge you' conversation and it has set off a whole stream of emotions and thoughts.
I know I'm doing so much better and dont need their support as much so I have no idea why its inducing so much anxiety in me. I actually just feel like crying yet I know its illogical to feel that way. I have the tools in place to cope and I know I cant stay with them forever so why am I so fearful?
Of course, being me, I put up a huge front that I was fine, even though she was saying, this is in the future, not now, not even in the next couple of months.
I'm going to be fine, I'm going to be fine. I can do this. I'm so much better than I was. Change is ok.

[Stella180]

I hear you. When I was in counselling 12 sessions turned into 50 and they had to let me go, with the option to sign up again after 6 months, but it felt kinda weird cos that Thursday morning session each week was a part of my life and for it to be gone was terrifying. It’s a bit like driving alone for the first time after you pass your driving test, you don’t know how you can get by without someone offering instruction.

[Suzi]

I can sympathise too. Sweetheart it's OK to be concerned about it - maybe you could change things from 1ce a week to 1ce every 2 weeks and then 1ce a month to try to do it gently so it's not a sudden shock?

[Strugglingmum]

I only see her every 4 weeks. I guess its knowing there is someone at the end of the phone. I think its also a fear of the future and what happens next. Anyway it's not happening right now so I need to let it settle a bit. Feeling emotional. Sparks are flying from the crochet hook tonight.

[Suzi]

You've got this you know... Should you ever need them again you'll be able to get in contact with them. But you've got so many tools!

[Flo]

Morning sweetie.....how are you feeling today? Been reading your thread and pondering on your fears about your CPN discharging you in the future. I had those fears a few years ago. This is my take on it so I'll share my thoughts with you and you see if any of it makes sense. I had two appointments to go and was scared of what would happen when I was 'let go' so to speak. After a discussion with someone very clever but not connected at all with the medical profession the following was pointed out to me and I've held on to this ever since.

I was cocooned in a warm blanket of safety knowing that every 3 weeks or so I would see my counsellor who would sit there pen and file to hand and tell her/him what had happened since the last appointment. The suggestions and pointers made by the C put to good use. We'd chat and towards the end of the session I was given some more pointers and suggestions, and it was suggested that I use the new tools and put them into action and we'd talk about how I got on at the next session. The day came when after months of these sessions I was now more confident, unafraid, my self worth and self esteem rose considerably and I was able to function like a half decent human being/woman. I had been given the tools to take control of my life. I was in control of my life..life wasn't in control of me!

As soon as it was decided that maybe I could go forward without sessions, that I had done really well and that she was really pleased with me, I went home and the panic set in. I'll just say here that she stressed that she would always be at the end of the phone if she was needed.

The stabilisers had been taken off my bike and I was to cycle alone. How was I going to cope? what if this happened? what if that happened? I had it fixed in my mind that I was going to fall into the abyss and there was no one to save me. The world was going to end and me with it.

Back to the clever friend.....it was pointed out that it was ME that got to where I wanted to be..it was ME that had regained my self worth and self esteem....it was ME that gave me my confidence to go forward..and it was ME who finally had control of me and my life!
AA has taught me that "There is nothing to fear except fear itself". The counsellor/CPN has been trained to help us accept the past and to move on....we empty our guts to them and over a period of time their expertise, pointers and suggestions help us to rebuild our lives
but it is US that rebuilds it! It's YOU SM that has made all of the changes, it is YOU that has turned your life around and it is YOU that has the confidence to take control of life. Personally...I can only speak for myself here...I think that I was and sometimes still am so used to having crap in my life that when good things happen and I'm on a roll I get suspicious and I'm convinced that crap is around the corner to ruin everything, because that is/was what I'm used to. And the old Flo creeps in uninvited!

Don't be afraid to wake up every day with optimism. You've worked hard to get where you are today. Like nearly all of us with the illness of anxiety and depression we are strong people, we are survivors whether we realise it or not. Nothing bad is going to happen... and if we do have the odd blip we'll instinctively know how to deal with it. You are a lovely person, mum and wife. I often wonder how it is that we can sort other people's lives but we find it hard to sort our own...odd isn't it?...Anyway....have a lovely day. Live in the day with your kids, dog and hubby. Try and do nice things. Remember that you are a strong woman and you've made yourself that way. I shall waffle on no more and make a coffee and have a fag! Hubby is looking over my shoulder and probably thinks I'm having an affair! Luvya lots!
Oh! and one more thing....you aren't a 'Struggling mum' because our higher power won't let us struggle.