Is this a relapse

[Suzi]

Are you able to get some more counselling any sooner?
Are you talking to your DH about how bad things really are?

[shine]

I found a local mental health charity advertising that they have some councelling available. I've messaged them today and someone will call me tomorrow.
DH knows how I am. He's been saying for some time now that I really need to get this sorted. My kids must know. They can see me complaining about headaches all the time etc. I was going through a phase of having a drink almost every night to calm myself down. I was drinking wine or beer or spirits. I would say this went on for a good few months. Not excessive drinking but enough to take the edge off my feelings and calm me down. I would think it could take my headaches away. But I was kidding myself because I know it made them worse. Anyway my ds discovered that on my tablets box it says do not drink alcohol. He knew I was having the odd drink. He's hidden every bit of alcohol I had left in the house. There isn't that much left but sometimes when I feel I really need it I can't find it. I even ordered myself another bottle of whisky on Amazon a couple of months ago but he discovered it and hid it. It's awful because I felt I was becoming reliant on it. I did mention it to the gp a few times before lockdown but they didn't seem too concerned. It was only in the evenings and not too much because I had to drive the next day. However during lockdown at the beginning I was drinking more because I wasn't driving anywhere. I think ds did save me before this habit got worse. But I have found it hard not being able to have a drink to calm myself down. I feel so selfish complaining. I feel wrong to feel this way. Almost ashamed of myself. Even my closest friends don't really know how I am feeling. I'm scared to open up for fear of judgement and people thinking I'm being silly. It's easier not to. It's easier to pretend everything is ok. Sorry for going on. I'm just writing how I am feeling

[scilover]

I'm sorry to hear that's happening to you. I'm glad your DH is helping you through this, remember that you don't have to face this alone. Also, you dont have to say sorry for expressing how you feel. We are all ears here.

[Paula]

Please don’t feel ashamed - you’re poorly, love, not selfish. I’m glad DS has hidden the alcohol, apart from anything else, it does reduce the effectiveness of your meds. There are other ways of calming yourself down - my go to’s are drinking chamomile tea and doing some mindfulness practice.

[Suzi]

Have you explained to the kids that you aren't well and what's going on with you?

[shine]

Dr wants me to continue on same meds untill I get MRI scan results.
I haven't explained to kids. I think they just know. I will find some time to talk to them. I just find it hard to.

[Suzi]

I know it's hard, but I promise you it's better for them if they are told and that they feel that they can talk to you about things too. They will know there is something wrong, and children are exposed to so much, that they may be thinking it's something very different....

What about taking some sick leave? What does DH say about things atm?

[shine]

Got my scan results today. The good news is my brain is clear. However it did show up two things which explains my constant pain. I have severe sinusitis which I suspected. I just thought I was being a hypochondriac and maybe all the pain was in my head but now I know I haven't been making this pain up and it's real. I have a two weeks course of antibiotics so I'm hoping that will clear if otherwise will have to see what else will. I also have a different nose spray to try. The scan didn't look at my jaw but I know I have TMJ as I get jaw pain and clicking and popping. All this has made my mood really low and I'm so fed up and struggling at the moment. I'm in work tomorrow. First time in work for two weeks and I'm feeling a little nervous. I feel like I'm suffocating with a mask so I'll talk to my manager as I'm sure I will be exempt. Especially as I can't breath through my nose. I'm also in work on Friday.
The scan also showed I need a blood test to check hormone levels as the pituitary gland was relatively more prominent.
I do feel reassured that I know that I haven't been making this pain up. I told my Dr that I had a panick attack last week. First major one in ages. My heart was beating very fast and I felt week.
I'm nervous to go on sick leave. It's been bringing back so many bad memories from when I was last on sick leave. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it but it is on the back of my mind. In fact there is so much I just can't get off my mind. I'm extremely irritable at the moment. The one thing keeping me going at the moment is that I'm teaching myself to play the keyboard that we bought at beginning of lockdown. It's my escape. It helps me to forget everything and just focus on the music. Apart from that I can't concentrate on that much and I know I have a big list to get through at work tomorrow and Friday.

[shine]

Rubbish night sleep again. I woke 2.30 but I was able to get back to sleep. Then I woke at 5 in pain and can't get back to sleep. Really going to have to push myself through work this morning. At least I only work the morning. But I'm already stressing and panicking about how I am going to do it.

[Paula]

Hunni, why didn’t they scan your jaw?

I’m a bit puzzled, you’ve said you’re back at work then talk about being nervous to go on sick leave......