Hi

Im new to the forum; I been really struggling with the whole lockdown and my mental health has gone downhill.

Ever since I have been 16, all I have wanted is to settle down and have a baby but it never happens for me. I have never even had a relationship at 29 and all my friends have long term partners. married and kids. I am the only one left and it aboustley kills me. I know its not a race, but its what i want more than anything, always has been.

People always say to me 'it wont come if your looking' or 'you need to love yourself first' which isn't true - I have had friends who I've given my all to lift them up who have been at rock bottom, friends with really bad self esteem, even friends who have treated me and others bad to get what they want etc and somehow they are blessed with meeting someone and they grow together and have lovely relationship so why is it only me who has to be this perfect version of myself before it happens? Ive spent over 10 years working on myself, im done. I cant do it anymore.

It has always made me feel upset but i have lived my life to the full- ive been travelling , have university degress, got friends etc. However, over past couple of years its got to the point I ended up in hospital with self harm a few years back and lately with the lockdown I just feel hopeless (How the hell am i going to meet someone anytime soon) Its all I want, I cry everyday and I cant even get out of bed anymore. Nothing else compares to wanting this, I used to find enjoyment in hobbies and hanging out with friends but all I truly want in my heart is to have a partner to have a home together, yano do the weekly shop at asda, watch films in the evening, , take my kids to school and tuck them into bed and go on family holidays etc. People patronise me and say ' relationships aren't all good' I know a relationship isn't a bed of roses 24/7 but its my turn to experience those simple things, to share my life with someone special? Im just at a point where I don't want to live anymore if its without my desire ive prayed and cried for for over 10 years. I cant seen the point if ive got nobody to share my life with, ive been on my own for too long that its just boring now and too painful to notice its absence

I live at home in my childhood bedroom as cant afford a flat with lockdown, I don't drive, or have a job I enjoy (near impossible to get out because ive used my college and university funding entitlement when I was younger); I work in care and obv all I do allday is give give give and its draining every bit of energy I have left. How can I keep giving, its my turn now to receive some love? Ive tried every self help book, every therapy, church, working on my looks, hobbies, career etc. Nothing makes me feell truly happy, its very superficial happiness to ease the pain of being alone - its like im just treading water in whatever I do waiting for my dream to come true.

quite frankly im at a point where theres nothing left to give, Im not the bubbly funny person i was a few years ago, I feel empty, lonely angry and bitter (Bitter esp after the situation after supporting that friend through rough time and they treat people like dirt but God blesses them with falling in love), yet im left to rot after selflessly giving my all to cheer someone up despite how I feel myself deep down. Im nearly 30 and I still look the same as did when I was 16, I still feel the same, I feel like I haven't matured or come into the 30 year old woman im meant to be. Im sick of picking myself back up and trying to better myself , its just exhausting and it never works . Nothing is ever going to fill that hole apart from finding love and I don't know what to do anymore

xx