Building a new life

[Jaquaia]

She heard us talking with T as he says he's seen her partner on Tinder and I commented that she wouldn't be able to afford the house on her own. A panicked saying that she didn't want mummy back here. We think it's because she's trying to make everyone happy. She knows Cruella doesn't like me so she thinks telling lies about how mean I am will make mummy happy and she knows J isn't keen on her bf so she thinks lying about him will make daddy happy.

His parents are starting to annoy us though, me more so. They seem to be so focused on T, making excuses for his behaviour as "he's been through a lot" that they seem to disregard the fact that A has witnessed a lot too and that J has been through an awful lot. They had T after school for a couple of hours the other week to run trains and A was disappointed so we said we'd talk to granny and grandpa about her having time there too. Yesterday his parents said about T going across again so J said no and that they need to do something with A. "She can watch" so J said no, she needs time on her own, to which T piped up that he'd have a friend over then. T also got told no. He needs to sort out his room as it's a mess, and he got warned about his attitude too. He shows off when people were around and instead of supporting us with trying to deal with that behaviour, they excuse it.

[Stella180]

That makes sense about A trying to be a people pleaser but being nasty about other people is the wrong was to go about it. Im sure the grandparents don’t mean to leave A out and it’s hard when you have more is common with one child than the other. Age differences Don’t help either. There is almost 4 yrs between my two and although that’s not a huge gap when is comes to trying to entertain both it can be difficult. I’m not at all saying it’s ok to favour one child or spend more time with them but I know it’s not always easy to do right by everyone.

[Suzi]

We have had that issue with ours and Marc's Mum all the time. It's so hard and it breaks my heart when F says that she knows that Nanny doesn't love her as much....

All you can do is keep talking to her.. I'm really glad you're sticking up to his parents too and with T about his behaviour!

[Jaquaia]

J feels like he has no support from them and to be honest, I can see why he feels like that. They focus much more on the children, everything seems to be about them and J seems to come so far down their priority list. He tells them if things they do triggers him and it has no effect. He feels dismissed everytime he tells them he's struggling. Even yesterday, it was J's birthday yet they brought a bag of treats for the children! They don't eat even half of what they bring across, they don't wear half the clothes they buy them and they have so many packs of pencil crayons it's ridiculous. I have binned sweets etc that have been months out of date because they buy that much and it doesn't matter how much we tell them to stop they carry on.

And the bit I hate the most is J feels he can't talk about how unsupported he feels as he's always either had his parents shrug it off or Cruella would call him a poor little posh boy.

[Stella180]

Rather be a poor little posh boy than an abusive common slut.

Just saying.

[Suzi]

Stella...

That's really tough, but I can totally see it as we've always been in the same situation with Marc's Mum... I can't offer advice, just understanding.

[Mira]

I remember when I was growing up I did not lie a lot. But there where times when I did. One thing comes to mind. My mum was angry at the three of us. Me and brother and sister. Since there was a T Shirt that was cut with some scissors. I knew that my brother did that. But he did not say anything. And my mum got real angry so I said I did it. I did that to make everything go back to normal. And to a high level I still do that. I am lossing my thoughts sorry. I think I wanted to share this since different things that happen to kids can have totaly different outcomes.i think its good that you have a good idea of why she does it. Its better to work with that then to just punish her or get angry. That might make it worse. But I am sure you know all of this. Sorry for bringing it up

[Jaquaia]

No need to be sorry, you're right. It is better to understand why. We told her that her lies could cost her mums boyfriend his job and almost ended with her mum refusing to let them come here, just to impress on her how serious it could be. We think we've got through to her and J told Cruella when she picked them up that she's admitted she's been lying both ways so we just have to see how it goes now.

[Suzi]

Well done love..

[Paula]

Sounds to me that you’ve handled it really well. As for parents, my mil has always had her favourites - the kids just let her get on with it now and accept that’s who she is. But as for J, part of a parents role is to support their child and ‘hold them up’ when they need it, no matter how old they are. That’s what I believe, anyway, and it makes me sad they don’t feel able to do that