When is it gonna be my turn?

[Stella180]

Alcohol may have loosened my tongue slightly and yeah I guess you're right Paula, the thought of someone else suffering in silence would upset me but you also know that in your own head those same rules don't apply to yourself.

Had a fun night with the music battles last night with a bunch of new players from Aspie. I think they enjoyed it too. Got some random tunes playing in the background now to keep the vibe flowing. Music fixes everything right?

[Suzi]

Do I ask how much you'd had to drink? What did you say to them?

[Stella180]

I had a fair bit but I was alright. I opened up about why I hate myself and I deserve to hurt cos I’m a horrible person. All the stuff you’ve heard a million times before but it’s not something I’ve shared with my new group of friends until now. Others think I’ve actually pretty much got my together, I’m the one they turn to for advice and stuff and I guess it makes me feel really vulnerable admitting that I’m just a mess with a pretty good mask in place.

I kinda hoped that getting the answers I was seeking at the end of last year would put an end to the speculation and lead to me accepting myself for who I am but instead it has only led to more questions. Yes I have an autism spectrum condition, it’s been a part of me my whole life and although it doesn’t define me it does lead to certain limitations and I have realised that some of the aims I had were unrealistic and I’ve had to reassess so many goals making them more realistic. I’ve not always liked it and in true Stella style I’ve pushed things around trying to make them fit before finally and reluctantly letting them go. That was the easy part. Now I need to know who I am. Learning about “masking” and the fact that throughout my life it became an integral part of life in order to help me to try and fit in. I literally have different personalities for different groups of people but I don’t know which one is the real me?

[Paula]

Can you try to accept that you’re human - which means you’re going to screw up but you’re also going to get things right? I mean, even I screw up sometimes ( occasionally).

[Suzi]

What kind of things is it giving you limitations on?

[Stella180]

I'm not sure I worded that right Suzi but what I mean is that I got really upset about not being able to do the simple things that other people do without thinking and sometimes these things are a real struggle for me. An example, doing the washing up. It might take someone else 10 mins to get it done but for me it would take 30 mins because of how I prefer to do it and my inner perfectionist means I have to check and check again that every item is spotless That the items are washed in the correct order and placed on the drying rack accordingly. When I was doing my construction skills course I had the best scores of the group because I was obcessed with accuracy but it was stated on the feed back that it took me a lot longer than it should (only because they had to give some kind of feedback that wasn't excellent or 100%)Things that to me are perfectly logical and get the job done right first time but the detail I go into isn't the same maybe as everyone else so judging myself against what others can do isn't fair on me because I'm not like everyone else. I struggle massively with executive functioning at times as you've all been aware for a long while and I need to learn not to beat myself up over that because it is just another symptom and not being able to cope with a situation in that moment is not just me being lazy or procrastinating.

So yeah, I can't compete with NTs despite thinking I was "one of them" my whole life and now I know why I didn't fit in and couldn't do stuff the way I was expected to. I wasn't a failure I was autistic.

[Suzi]

I live in a house with 3 people with Aspies, I get it....

[Stella180]

With it being Autism awareness month next month I've decided to write something which will hopefully make those who have known me a long time and think that it's impossible for me to be on the spectrum something to think about. To recognise that it's always been there but they just never put the clues together. Thats if anybody actually bothers to read it. I'm probably wasting my time but I just want people who supposedly care about me to accept that this is real and just because I don't have serious learning difficulties, a low IQ or non verbal doesn't mean I don't have it. It's mad that you am expected to prove that I have the condition despite an official diagnosis. I'm too clever, or too sociable, or too normal.

I know you probably find it amusing that I was so adament that I couldn't possibly be on the spectrum and now I'm trying to convince people that I am. I guess I'm trying to educate others who are as ignorant as I once was. It's not a bad word, it's not scary, it just explains why I am the way I am and I guess I want people to think about all the times I've said or done something wrong, and they thought I was just being difficult for the sake of it, that I wasn't. I just see things in a different way and express myself honestly. I say what I think rather than think what I say and often it's not until others react to it that I even realise it could be taken the wrong way. Oh what am I telling you guys for? You already know this and I genuinely appreciate the way you handle me. I step out of line and you call me out on it. Paula is especially good at telling me off and I love you for it

I need to find entertainment before I die of boredom. Sorry for boring you lot with my drivel.

[Suzi]

For what it's worth I don't think you have anything to "prove" about having or not having Aspies or anything else. I certainly don't find it amusing about you being adamant that you couldn't be on the spectrum as I remember quite how upset you got with me about it.....
I know that you see things differently and you say what you think, I know how things can be taken on either side... but that's not necessarily due to your ASD alone..

You are you, no matter what the diagnosis...
It wasn't boring at all...

[Jaquaia]

You are Stella, one of my closest friends, who just happens to have an ASD diagnosis. You are not Stella, my autistic friend. I love you no matter what, even when you're being a twat.