New start

[Suzi]

You have your family.... That's your place. You were meant to be there..... You are meant to be there to take care of J, but more importantly those little people and show them what love is and by the way you talk about them you really do love them.... and they love you...

[Paula]

That post made my heart happy I am so, so, so happy for you

[Jaquaia]

I love them like they were my own already. I've even told T that I would be proud to have a son like him. It just hurts that I will never be called mum.

I think I'm lucky with J too. My methods work was difficult today. I had to watch a video of a psychologist talking about how he uses qualitative methods in his research. There was just no warning that his research was on infertility... J has checked if I'm ok several times since I told him and has promised hugs when he gets home.

[Stella180]

I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel but I promise you, carrying a foetus in your womb for 9 months doesn’t make you a mother. What you have with those children is everything and they may not be biologically yours but it’s obvious that in a short space of time they have come to love you unconditional and that is because you are everything a mother needs to be. Never sell yourself short mate.

[Suzi]

Stella is totally spot on. I've seen women who've given birth and treat their children like crap. I've seen women who use their children like bargaining chips or just for child benefit etc and then I've seen women who have stepped in and have been the most amazing Mum's I've ever known - I'm including you and a good friend of mine who is a foster carer and who has provided a safe home for so many and permanent homes too. Honestly, giving birth does not make you a Mum... Love, respect and understanding make you a Mum.... If they don't call you Mum, why not choose another name they - and just they - can call you? Everyone calls you Jaq or your name, why not see if they wanted to find another name for you? Not "Mum" but one that shows your bond?

[Suzi]

I wanted to say something, but I don't want to upset you.....

On your fab 5's you said spending time with "J's little people" - I can't possibly understand that they aren't "our little people"... No one does what you do for those little people unless you love and adore them. They may not be biologically yours, but in every other (and most important) ways they are yours too... You read with them, you craft, you bake cakes, you listen, you make them feel loved and valued, you've changed their rooms, you've created a wonderful space in the playhouse and they've got so much from you....

[Jaquaia]

Still doesn't make them mine

[Paula]

Of course they’re yours. In the same way Katie is Si’s. that doesn’t take away from her relationship with her dad - it’s just she’s got 2 dad’s who adore her (lucky girl!)

[Suzi]

I disagree with you Jaq - I think that it definitely does make them yours if you want them to be. You love them right? You miss them when they aren't there? Love spending time with them? Are interested in what they do/think/feel?
You may not be "Mum" but you can have another very special word that only they get to call you. You are amazing.

[Jaquaia]

I'm not discussing this here as you don't understand how it feels for me. Last time this topic came up you all managed to make me feel completely inadequate that I can't just shrug off this desire to have a child of my own. Just because I'm like a mum to J's children doesn't make it hurt any less and you all made me feel like it was wrong to still feel so much pain over this, that how I felt was wrong. This is why I haven't posted. So I'm going to say very clearly that this subject is off limits.