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Thread: I feel lost *AB TRIGGER WARNING*

  1. #1
    liv21098
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    I feel lost *AB TRIGGER WARNING*

    I grew up with an abusive mother who was severely bipolar and depressed. My father didn't want to know me so I only lived with my mum. She'd hoard rubbish like empty cans, crisp wrappers, etc. and this gradually got worse to when the rubbish would be pilled up to the ceiling and my bedroom would be filled with rubbish bags that she'd never throw away. I was never allowed to sleep in my own bedroom or get dressed in another room, I always had to sleep in hers, even when I was 13 and when I told her that I wanted my own room I would be verbally abused. At first, when she was having an episode, she'd drive me somewhere and then chuck me out of the car and lock it and threaten to drive away. She'd lock me upstairs when she had her friends over and scream at me if I ever wanted to come down. Things just got worse. She would hit me, throw knives at me, pull my hair and say things like "I wish you were never born" and would even tell me that she was giving me to my father, even though he doesn't want me. She would never cook me food, I'd only have crisps or chocolate while she had takeaways. I used to be so hungry so sometimes I would take food upstairs to eat it without her knowing. Once I took a small Easter egg because I didn't eat the whole day and when she found out she started shouting, if I didn't answer her she'd have another go at me, and when I did reply she told me to shut up and put her hands over my mouth and dug her nails into my face. When she noticed she had taken away a chunk of my skin she said I deserved it, 10 seconds later she pulled over and phoned my grandmother saying I done it with a hairbrush.

    My grandmother knew the truth and she knew what my mother was doing to me (and herself) but she never did anything, she'd often take sides with her. I took a picture of our house and showed her. My mother disowned me and threw me out of the house. I tried everything I could to get her help but she denied that there was anything wrong. She went to the doctors and things started to get better and I moved back in. I did everything I could to look after her but she stopped taking her anti-depressants and things spiraled. I was too scared to say anything. One night she tried to lock me in our living room, I tried to get out by stepping over her but accidentally kicked her eye, she chucked me out of the house at night. She then found me and took me home where she tried to strangle me. Within minutes she had forgotten what she had done. I told her I couldn't cope with this anymore. She kicked me out again and said she never wanted me back. I never saw her again. I had it all planned out in my head how I was going to come home from school a few days later and give her a big hug but instead, I come home to the news that she's dead. The tests came back inconclusive and 5 years later I don't know how she died. It's assumed that it was an undiagnosed heart rhythm problem meaning there's a 50% chance I can have it.

    My mother always used to make comments about my weight, saying I looked 6 months pregnant and then sometimes she'd phone my grandmother talking about how much weight I had lost. When I was younger, I started making myself sick after eating. It just made me feel better. When she found out she told me to stop but then said how the only good thing is that it would help me to lose weight and now I just can't stop doing it. It seems to have just gotten worse - I steal food all of the time and binge and I've put on quite a bit of weight over the 5 years.

    Most days I don't think about it at all. However, sometimes something small can happen that will bother me and it will trigger all of these feelings. I can't remember much before the age of 13 (how old I was when she died). I can't remember what she looks like or sounds like. I know what happened but I don't remember anything in detail and that which I do remember feels like it never happened to me - like it's someone else's story. Sometimes it feels like its happening all of again (even though I can't remember much). I feel numb and as if the world around me isn't real. This may last a few days and then I'll be so much happier. However, the bad times are getting are coming more often and lasting longer. Smaller things are beginning to trigger it all and I'm starting to feel a bit last. Because I can't remember a lot of it it's difficult to speak about it and show emotion. Often I speak about it as if it's nothing (often coming across as if I'm sharing the story for attention). This means that people often don't take me seriously. A lot of friends also knew my mother and have always known her as a nice person and can't seem to put it into perspective. I feel as though people who have known me for a while know me to be happy and very rarely sad, so if I bring anything up about my mother it's because she's dead and not because of all of the other things.

  2. #2
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi, Liv, and welcome. I’ve added a trigger warning to your post - it’s nothing to worry about, it just means that other members can avoid your thread if there’s something there that might be a trigger.

    I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much. What happened after your mother died? Where did you live? How long ago was that? Have you had any support dealing with all this? Have you talked to your doctor? (Sorry for all the questions....)
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  3. #3
    liv21098
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    After she died I lived with my grandparents. Two days before she died I went to stay with them as she had a major blip with her bipolar and tried to strangle (as I spoke about). I'm unsure if I would have been living with them whether she had died or not as she said she didn't want me back and I was scared to live with her again. This was just over 5 years ago which feels weird to say as it feels like this never happened. I have never seen or spoken to a doctor about this. My family doctor (who my mother went to about her bipolar) asked me grandmother about 3/4 years ago if I wanted bereavement counseling. I went to it for a little while but it wasn't really useful. They tried to do creative things like decorating photo frames and drawing pictures which I felt was too childish at my age, although I'm sure they do help some people! It didn't really help because it was focusing on the wrong thing. Of course, the fact she died is very sad but that's not the part that really affects me. We obviously spoke about how she treated me but she was qualified to focus on the bereavement side of it and nothing else.

    Also a lot of stuff like not remembering a lot of things that happened when she was alive, the emotional flashbacks and triggers have only come about over the last year or so ago. When I had bereavement counselling I didn't struggle with these things.
    Last edited by Paula; 01-03-20 at 12:08 AM. Reason: Merging posts - please do not double post

  4. #4
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    So, you’re 18 then? Are you still living with your grandparents?

    Hunni, I think it’s really important that you go and talk to your doctor about all this. If it’s tough to say how you feel, you can print out your posts here to show them. I also think you should ask about specialist support eg counselling. You deserve to get help, you deserve to feel better

    Just a note, I’ve merged your two most recent posts as they were posted very close together. Please try not to double post
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  5. #5
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to the group. I'm so sorry that you have been through so much and been so let down by the people who should have been there for you and protected you...

    I completely agree with Paula - you deserve help, support and to feel brighter than you do now.
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  6. #6
    liv21098
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    I went to the doctor earlier today. After not being able to remember a lot of my life when I lived with her things started to come back - not about her in particular but the living conditions and the way the house was. Normally there is no emotion by the memories, but all of a sudden these memories did. I began to be able to see them and all of a sudden everything would go blurry, my heart would start beating fast and I would have to hold onto something. Each day has been getting worse. I went in and he asked me how I was and I began to cry. I started to explain and his first question was, 'Do you still live with your mother?'. When I said no he remembered and just seemed confused. He thought I was just concerned that I could no longer remember much about her, particularly when I said the fact I can't remember much doesn't bother me, it's more when I am able to remember things. He asked me so many times if she was violent towards me, each time I said yes but he was still confused. He said I had already had bereavement counseling so he doesn't know what more I can do. When I said her death isn't really the problem he just raised his eyebrows. Why can't people understand that that is just a very small part of a very long story? It wasn't my punishment but my way out. He just kept looking through a book with lots of different instructions and numbers to call and just kept saying - 'I don't know what to do'. He particularly emphasised that the fact that the abuse is not going on anymore meant that there were lots of things he couldn't do for me. He stared at this number for ages and then said - 'well...there is this number here but it is for domestic abuse which I guess yours would fit under but I'll just phone them to check'. He has referred me to someone specialising in domestic abuse but I feel utterly embarrassed. I'm afraid something will be said to my grandmother as he sees her often. It took a lot for me to go today and I thought I'd come out feeling better but I've actually just come out worse and feel that again it is much easier to pretend it never happened. It seems as if no one can look beyond the fact that she's dead and that that must be the cause of all of my problems yet regardless of whether that happened or not I'd still feel this way.

  7. #7
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Don’t be embarrassed, lovely, be very proud that you’ve done what is often the hardest bit by admitting that there’s something wrong and asking for help. However, I am appalled at what your doctor has said. Trauma like you’ve suffered causes all sorts of issues and is rarely gone just because the person has gone. As a doctor, he should know that. And telling you he didn’t know how to help you is just a cop out, and unacceptable although I’m glad he finally decided to refer you to someone dealing with domestic abuse......

    As for feeling worse, unfortunately it’s often the case that opening up to someone can initially make you feel a lot worse. Reliving the trauma as you have is exhausting and draining. So please, hunni, try to be kind to you and rest.
    Last edited by Paula; 04-03-20 at 06:31 PM. Reason: Typo
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  8. #8
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    That is totally unacceptable by him! Trauma and abuse effects last for so much longer than the actual events. I'm appalled that was his answer to you. Is there a different doctor you could see on another time?
    He shouldn't mention anything to your Grandmother due to patient confidentiality..

    Paula's right, be kind to you and rest lovely. What you've done today is really hard.
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  9. #9
    liv21098
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    Hi again, sorry for coming back after so long. I only seem to ever want to talk about this when I'm really down. It's been nearly 8 and a half months since I went to my GP and he referred me for counselling. He said that all correspondence would now be with them and not the practice. I know I went at a really awkward time with the whole pandemic but I would've thought that I'd at least have had some sort of acknowledgement from them. Just don't really know what to do to be honest

  10. #10
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    No need to apologise lovely. It is really difficult. Can you contact your GP and ask them to chase it up as you've heard nothing? And keep talking here, it will help
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

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