Pattern Changing

[Noodle]

Hi

Has anyone else been involved in a Pattern Changing course? I am 9 weeks into mine and it does help, but sometimes it feels like everyone else in the group (who are all wonderful amazing women) are doing so much better than me and its almost like I won't allow myself to move forward.

I've started suffering from anxiety attacks too, and normally, they're about fear of rejection and getting hurt again, not through the emotional and physical sense that my ex-husband did, but in other ways (mostly to do with the fear of being on my own with 4 kids, depression, 3 dogs, no self confidence, no self esteem etc).

I'm told often how wonderful I am, how stunning I am etc, but I just cannot accept these compliments, mostly due to everything I've been through which has included "programming" me to feel differently (that I'm ugly, horrible, etc) and I think this is also stopping me.

Has anyone got any tips on me gaining this self confidence? I was going to start another group session focussing on this, but because I'm already doing a very emotionally draining course, I have to wait to start another, which I completely understand, but I also feel that until I gain some of this, I'm not really going to be able to move forward.

E xx

[Suzi]

Hey hun...

The only way I've ever found which works with things like this is practise.

Every time you have a negative thought about yourself then you have to counteract it with a positive one..
So..

"I'm ugly" becomes "I love my eyes, they are beautiful" and so on.. It's really hard, but it works..

[Noodle]

Thanks Suzi - I do try. I have post it notes all over my house with phrases like "you are amazing" on them, so not only to try and install some positives into myself but into the others in the home too. I've had quite a few people say to me how fab I am and how they wish that I could see in me what they see in me, but I just can't. I feel very much too skinny (I'm down to 7st 4) and whilst this isn't down to me not eating (I'm having around 3,000 cals per day to try and increase my weight) and so I feel very self conscious like everyone is looking at me for the wrong reasons, instead of for the right ones, if you see what I mean. I think this is mostly due to what happened with the ex and I know it will take time and hard work on my part to regain, basically, my self respect, but I seem to find it easier to cope with disparaging remarks.

I've stuck my Bill of Rights on my fridge door to remind myself of these things, that I'm not responsible for other peoples actions etc, which is helping, but I know I have a long way to go

[Suzi]

Thing is babe, once you have been conditioned to believe what you are told which is all negative and damaging it takes a very long time to change that...

Think of a carboard box which is broken down bit by bit... Takes a hell of a lot of duct tape to stick it back together strongly again... You just need some more duct tape You WILL get there.. and you know I think you're amazing!

[Aspasia]

You just need some more duct tape

Duct tape is like the Force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the Universe together.



Sorry couldn't resist!



@Noodle - you will get there, and it sounds to me like you're doing really well already by doing the things that you are doing - you've begun to value yourself as worth fighting for, and to believe that it's worth putting effort in to repair yourself. That's massive

[Suzi]

That's Ben's favourite joke ever! Involving duct tape AND star wars!!!

[Aspasia]

I have it on a fridge magnet

[Suzi]

Soooo cool!

[Sarah76]

Noodle I could have wrote that I get told how good I am, strong but to me it's just being a mum my job , ex was very controlling never went out much, he didn't like certain clothes name called ect, I had no friends as he pushed them away basically all I had was him and kids, now all have is kids and they are my life I give them 110% each day I've given up on myself as don't feel worth it if people compliment me I feel like there being funny or making fun, I won't go out as scared feel everybody is out to get me paranoid being watched , if do go out and people walk to close I think the worst like they are going to attack me or something and feel panicky when there just walking past
Got no real words of wisdom as I'm in same boat
Hugs x

[Noodle]

@Suzi - You are right, it is going to take an awful lot of duct tape to repair me, but I've just got to keep working at it and give it time.

@Sarah - Its "nice" to know I'm not the only one that feels like this. Feeling this way, is almost damaging my relationship as I can't accept that he loves me for me, that he finds me attractive and isn't going to find someone else closer to his own age (he's 10 yrs my junior and we've been together for 17 months now) and I end up having panic attacks over things that haven't happened. I try and say to myself that I've just got to take each day as it comes and not to try and predict what may or may not happen, to believe that my bf does love me, does want to be with me etc (he lives with me, yet his mum lives 5 mins up the road, so he has no real reason to live with me, bar the fact that he does love me!).

Hugs to you too x